The "F" Word

I have started back on my journey up the mountain. I have now exited the woods and my path is clear; however, I am unclear as to 'how' to proceed. In front of me stands a vertical cliff wall with no trail, just one word etched in its face, "Forgiveness".

For the past couple of days now my horoscope has eluded to the fact that I need to let go of the betrayal and resentment in my life and move on. I am struggling with this. Every time I tell myself to just 'let it go' I have a flash of anger and I quickly become enraged by the unfairness of it all.

The reason I have such a hard time 'just letting it go' is that each and every betrayal feels like sledge hammer shattering my soul. I liken my soul to a crystal - after it has been shattered all that remains are the broken shards lodged in my heart.

I have done an 'okay' job of welding the pieces of crystal back together, but now my soul is not a whole crystal anymore. Similar to a stained glass window, it still shines, but the pieces of my soul lay between ribbons of lead which are holding it together. My fear is that eventually the lead will replace all the crystal and my soul will no longer shine.

When I try to let go of the resentment and forgive the shards of crystal wedged in my heart hurt. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I need to stop for fear that my heart will break. I am now wondering if perhaps I need to endure the pain so that the crystal shards can work their way out of my heart - allowing it to heal - and one day love again.

So, here I sit, wondering how to begin climbing the cliff face. This is something that I am still working through as I write these words, so I have no 'positive attitude' or 'silver lining' for you my friends. All I see is graffiti written on the base of the cliff wall saying things like 'trust no one', 'each man for himself' and 'watch your back'.

I have no doubt that I will muddle my way through this next hurdle, but I am not naive, I believe that this will be one of the most difficult stages I will have to conquer. One day, when I have scaled this cliff wall, I know that I will end up being a better person for it - I just hope that I am able to keep the bitterness at bay until I reach the top.

Peace