The Middle of the Road

While things have improved greatly for me I still have much ground to cover before I reach the top of the mountain. Some days I wonder if I will remain "broken" forever and other days I know I am "Queen of the World". I am starting to see patterns in my changed of moods. I was already aware of the "common" triggers - lack of sleep, stress, PMS, etc. I am now noticing a different trend - the weekend.


At first I thought I was upset on the weekends because my children were gone and I was feeling all the loneliness full force. I have now started to notice that the lack of children is not the issue. Even on weekends when I have the kids I find myself sad. The simplest tasks can bring me to tears and even the most enjoyable activities will upset me.


My mission - should I choose to accept it - is to figure out "why" weekends upset me so much. The first thing that jumps to mind is that when we were all a "family unit" things were always good on the weekends. When I was married the ex and I did things with the kids on the weekends and we always had a great time.


My immediate response would be that I am reminiscent of these times and miss them. Do I really believe this is the issue? No. It has been over 2 years since we have done any "family activities". It makes no sense that I would all of a sudden start missing these things.

So my agitation and weepy eyes remain a mystery. The root cause continues to allude me. Perhaps it is similar to a watched pot that never boils. At first I thought that if I stopped looking for the reason and just allowed the sadness to flow it would pass. But I have discovered that allowing the sadness in is having the opposite effect. I have become a prisoner in my own home - afraid to leave the safety of my nest.


So for a while I took the opposite approach and ensured that I was beyond busy each weekend - which was a total disaster - as I returned to work fully exhausted and an emotional mess.


The last few weekends I have been trying a 'happy medium'. A little bit of adventure, some kid time, lots of personal down time and early to bed. So far I have noticed that the tears are still there, but only well up in my eyes rather than flowing steadily. The true outcome of these changes are yet to be determined.


Peace