Throw Mamma From the Train

I have been slipping down the mountain. I noticed at first it was gradual, but over the last week I have lost all traction and plummeted into the pits of despair.


During this descent I began to realize that I am the only person I can count on. I am the only cheerleader. I am the only backbone. I am the only light at the end of the tunnel. No one can be these things for me - it is all up to me.


This is a scary realization which has only added to my despair. Not only do I feel all alone in this world, the realization that I am the only person I can count on has amplified my feelings of loneliness. Hope is a horrible thing because it allows me to live in denial of reality. Hope lifts your spirits and feigns the illusion of happiness until reality comes crashing in on you.

For me, as I am painfully learning, I have the power to accept or not accept things the way that they are. Most things I cannot change, but I can change how they affect me. This is where I struggle, this is my personal battle. It is so hard! I try really hard to see the good things in life, but when I am in the pits, good things are so hard to find.


I have been in the pit of despair more times than I care to admit. I know I will climb out, its just a matter of surviving and finding the strength to continue.


As I was driving my children to school they pointed out that Owen was riding his bike. I yelled out "OOOOO-WEN!" a la Throw Mamma from the Train. I started laughing so hard I was crying. Of course my kids thought their mum had just 'snapped', but truth be told I had just jumped out of the pit of despair. Just like that - all was right in my life again.


Peace