Let Yourself Go!

Letting go is not as easy as it sounds. It is extremely difficult to remove someone from your heart. It is a painful and lengthy process. Back when I was actively dating I was always very careful not to talk about any men around my children. I justified it in many ways - I deserve a personal life; they don't understand 2 coffees do not constitute a boyfriend; but the real reason was I was afraid that they would 'blurt' out the man's name in front of their father.

Oddly enough any time I was regularly meeting a gentleman my ex-husband would mysteriously start texting me more often; be nicer to me; or drop by to see the kids sporadically  On more than one occasion I had to 'remind' him that he made a choice to leave me and he needed to let me go and live my life.

The funny thing was it was not HIM who had to let me go - it was ME who had not let him go. When I was not involved with someone I was always "worried" about my ex. Not outright worried, but in the background still doing things for him - taking care of him without directly taking care of him.

For example - when the children would ask to take up an activity that I could afford - I would say "I don't think your father can afford it". I was still submitting insurance claims for the children for him because I knew he wouldn't. I would even make arrangements for the kids on weekends that he had them if they had special events like birthday parties.

The man was living his own life - doing whatever he wanted - without having any responsibilities - all because of me! Now how does this all tie into dating? Glad you asked. When I was dating I was always so careful to avoid my ex that I stopped taking care of him all together.

Earlier this year a very good friend of mine helped me to over come my NEED to care for my ex-husband. She supported me and gave me contacts when my ex and I hit a rough patch. Because of this support I am getting much stronger and have on more than one occasion refused to help him out with things.

This has been a huge challenge for me because I love to help people; however, my efforts have not gone unrewarded. By removing myself from my ex-husband's life and allowing him to make his own mistakes I have created a better relationship for my children. In the beginning these changes caused several problems for the kids and their father, but refusing to 'step in' and help him has forced him to 'step up' to the plate and parent his children. The end result is that he is now building a stronger relationship with his kids. For which I am grateful.

Removing the children from the equation, I was surprised to see how much time and energy I was focusing on my ex-husband - which is time and energy I can now focus on myself and my children. Sometimes you just need to let it all go!

Peace