Epic

If I could change just one thing about myself it wouldn't be my looks or my body type. I would choose to stop thinking. I have a mind that ANALYZES all the time. This trait allows me to do my job very well; however, this trait is not so helpful in my personal life.

A large portion of my job requires me to plan for "every possible" outcome and there must be a "solution" in place for each and every issue that may or may not happen. When you are trying to live your life in the "now" and enjoy the moment analysis is not a welcome friend. I really try not to read into things - but it is so hard to shut my brain off!

I know I have come so very far in my travels. Not so long ago when my brain would "run-off" on its own it was usually playing a negative tape - over and over again about how I was not good enough. Thankfully that tape has been destroyed but my brain still keeps on working. When I am 'unconsciously' analyzing things I am working out all the possible outcomes - both positive and negative. Oddly enough it is still the positive outcomes I fear the most.

Again, what is with me and the 'positive/ good' stuff? My fear in this case is what if the outcome is only 'perceived'? What if - because I over analyze things - I have interpreted the situation to be something it is not. What if I am reading into things or for lack of a better word - I am delusional?

I haven't cried in several months - except for tears of joy. I never did have my "planned" cry, so perhaps the tears I shed now are somehow related. All I know is that no matter how hard I try to not analyze things I can't stop.

I wish I could learn how to not 'read into' things. I wish someone could show me 'how' to turn off my brain. I wish I could find a safe, quiet place to hide from myself. I used to admire my ability to analyze, but now I see clearly all the problems it has caused me throughout my life.

I know that I have the ability to change, but there are limits to what each person is capable of changing. I am not certain that anyone can change their core genetic makeup - and I believe that "analyzing" is part of my genetic makeup!

So where does that leave me? I have gone full circle and accomplished nothing! NOT TRUE!!! When I started writing I felt horrible for my "analyzing" trait and now I have come to realized that I am what I am. A tiger cannot change its stripes - nor should he. So why should I?

No one can make you feel bad. You allow people to make you feel bad. Just because the opinion "out there" is that I analyze too much doesn't mean that I am "flawed" - it is just an opinion - nothing more.

Peace