I Am the Doctor

It is very doubtful that many of my readers are Doctor Who fans. I am a bit of a Doctor Who fanatic! Throughout the last 7 seasons the Doctor has had different travelling companions. Although the Doctor's companions have changed throughout the years one thing remains constant - the Doctor should never travel alone!

When the Doctor travels without a companion he starts to lose his compassion, charm, hope, positive attitude and overall trust in mankind. I sometimes feel like the Doctor. When I don't have a travelling companion (a friend) to share my stress, frustrations and fears with, I have a tendency to overreact, internalize things, accept blame for things I had nothing to do with and  I doubt myself. The end result, I start to push people away. Not surprisingly I push away the people that I actually WANT in my life - my travelling companions - or friends.

My closest friends try to reach out to me and 'ground' me when they notice that I have a lot of 'crap' going on in my life. My old friends eventually hear about my issues and remind me to call the next time I need anything. So why don't I just reach out to anyone when I know I am having issues? I am not really sure.

Part of the reason I don't reach out is that I don't want to be a bother. Another reason is a lot of the time I don't know what is wrong - I am just miserable. But perhaps the biggest reason I don't reach out is that I don't trust myself. When I go long periods of time without confiding in a friend I begin to doubt EVERYTHING. I doubt my abilities, I doubt my interpretation of things, I doubt my self worth. It's like I am lost in time and space. Since I no longer TRUST myself, I start to listen to and believe what others tell me - and this never ends well for me.

Is all this pain, suffering and confusion self inflicted? Yes. I choose how I let things affect me - and when I travel alone I often chose poorly. Since I cannot always travel with a companion it is my responsibility to learn to make better choices. It is a tough road ahead, but it is a journey that I must make alone.

Peace