Humpty Dumpty

In keeping with my true nature I have whole heartedly thrown all my energy and effort into dealing head on with my deepest darkest fears. The end result was inevitable. I now find myself knee deep in many different emotions and all of them painful beyond belief. I am broken! A complete write-off - it's no wonder my ex decided to get a new model - but I digress, this is about me.

As I approach the end of my VERY AGGRESSIVE anxiety workshops I have drilled even further into my fear of rejection. Well past my fear of relationships and people in general and I have finally reached my core fears. Having had low self esteem my entire life I was not really surprised to learn my core fears are that I am unlovable, I am unworthy, and I am incompetent. 

What did surprise me is how these fears trigger intense physical reactions in me when others do something to reinforce my fears. I have been calling these reactions "intuition" or "red flags". Seems on some level I already had a clue - but knowing DOES NOT make this any easier to deal with.

Sadly I am realizing that my entire adult life I have been surrounded by people at home and work who reinforced my deepest fears either with their words or their behaviours. Lack of affection confirmed I was unlovable. Lack of communication and openness confirmed I was unworthy to be trusted. Derogatory comments and references to being unstable confirmed I was incompetent to handle emotions.

I realize I can't change the past. All I can do is learn from it. I have worked very hard at building my self esteem over the last few years and now I understand "why" I have such anxiety in social situations. My anxiety is far bigger than not being good enough - I am afraid that all my core fears will be confirmed by the people in my life.

The more uncertain a situation is for me the more I begin to "believe" my core fears are true. I realize I have said many times that I don't deal well with ambiguity - now I understand why! Now this is where my thinking comes into play. Rather than "feel" unloved, unworthy and incompetent I use my thoughts as a means of protection. I think about all the possible outcomes of a situation - good or bad - this way I will be prepared for whatever happens and perhaps it won't HURT as much. 

I now see that this behaviour only allows the fears to become more real - to become larger than life. This is why I NEED to keep moving forward and face my fears. I have to HURT, I have to FEEL the emotions and I have to LEARN that they are NOT TRUE! I have to learn not to take things personally - I am loveable, I am worthy and I am competent.

I KNOW I will get through this no matter how broken I may feel right now! I am tenacious and I will put myself back together again - piece by piece if I have to! 

Peace