Big In Japan

As I sit here listening to what I have been told is "the worst album ever" I can't even bring myself to crack a smile. I am wallowing in self pity. I have once again pushed away everyone in my life. Now I sit here facing my worst fears - ALONE!

I clearly see my behaviour patterns but I am at a loss at how to stop them. As soon as I get close to someone I begin to "think" and the process to protect myself starts. It is always the same story - if I let people see the "real me" it's only a matter of time before they are honest with me and tell me that I am unworthy of their companionship. Eventually the "real me" will disappoint them and my incompetence will show. Or worst of all I will make a mistake and do the wrong thing and then they will validate that I am unlovable.

When I started my workshop I was so hopeful and excited to finally learn skills to cope with my anxiety. Now I HATE it! I was told by the MANY doctors involved in the process that it would be a lot of hard work. "No problem" I thought. I was BEYOND wrong! The PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING! The realizations are debilitating! The physical reactions are frightening! Right now the worst of all of this is my own inner conflict!

The thing is I KNOW I am loveable! I KNOW I am worthy! I KNOW I am competent! So why do I do things to make people think I am unlovable, unworthy and incompetent when I KNOW DAMN WELL that I am probably one of the more sane, emotionally evolved and capable people around? Fear - it's easier to handle being hurt by myself over being hurt by someone else.

Okay so now I understand it - but how do I STOP it? I have tried pulling away from people - that just make me miserable. I have tried being honest with people - that just got me labelled "psychotic". I tried keeping it all to myself - that NEVER ends well for me.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. The thing is the habit I need to break involves other people. It is difficult to find people who are willing to support me no matter what. So here I sit, crying, my worst fears realized - I am all alone! I only have me right now. Unfortunately ME is very broken right now.

So, I will do what I do best, dry my eyes, pick up self up, do some research and LEARN how to rebuild myself. Ultimately I can only ever count on myself. I know that I would be there for ANYONE in my life at any time if they needed me - so I CHOOSE to do the same for myself.

In keeping with my love of music I draw solace in the lyrics from my favourite band ~ "I will never know myself until I do this on my own. And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed. I will never be anything till I break away from me. I will break away I'll find myself today".

Peace