The Lowest of the Low

I believe that there are 3 sides to every story - my side, your side and the truth. Because we are human our side of the story is always influenced by emotions. Sometimes the most altruistic actions can be interpreted as mean spirited or being honest can be downright hurtful or nasty.

I have hit rock bottom. Strangely enough I am glad! I was fighting my descent into the pits of despair for so long. I was taking a daily dose of pain instead of dealing with it all at once. Now that I am at the bottom, I have clarity.

It is really not so bad down here. I have been here before, which gives me an advantage - I know how to get out when I am ready. Not only do I know 'how' to get out - but I think that it is important for me to stay a while and just hurt. This is a necessary resting spot in my journey. I need to take some time to hurt, heal and forgive.

As I sit here trying to write as my cat eats my pencil I have a strange revelation. This time NONE of my pain, loss and guilt has a single thing to do with my ex and the breakdown of my marriage. I am now dealing with my OWN issues - this means I have no one to blame/ forgive but myself.

Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. We all have our flaws. Perhaps due to my incessant need to think and analyse I cause myself more than my fair share of grief but I need to cut myself some slack. 

How can anyone be expected to do something different when they have no idea what they are doing wrong. How can you know what you don't know? Wow - I am not even sure my sentences are making sense any more.

I don't have a crystal ball. I can't be expected to "go fish" for every answer or solution. Some days I even wonder if I want to know the answers. I just want to BE!

I am not longer wallowing in self pity. I don't feel all alone - the fact is I may be single but I am NOT alone. I am more than coping with my issues and fears and I have travelled a great distance in just 3 years. I am proud of all I have accomplished and I REFUSE to beat myself up any more about how "adjusted" I "should" be at this stage of the game.

I have met more than enough people at different stages of their journeys to know that I am FINE and will ALWAYS be fine regardless of where my life take me.

Peace