Hair of the Dog

In the past I have written 2 angry posts - and I published neither of them. Well things are about to change! I am angry and I don't care who knows! You know what - I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should behave, how I should feel and what I am afraid of!

News flash! I AM NOT AFRAID OF BEING ALONE!!!! I have been alone for 3 years now, thank you very much. If I were REALLY so AFRAID of being alone don't you think I would have 'latched on' to any 'Tom, Dick or Harry' who had crossed my path by now? Seriously! If I was so afraid of being alone would I not have 'jumped' right into a relationship long before I was divorced? There has been no shortage of men I could have 'settled' for if I was SO AFRAID of being alone.

I am angry, frustrated and sick and tired of everyone telling me what I should and should not do! The thing is I am the one who has to live my life. I am the one who has to live with the consequences of the decisions made, so shouldn't I get to make the decisions? I am tired of everyone knowing what is "best" for me!

I am the one who has to go out and do things. Shouldn't I get to decide what I want to do? Shouldn't I get to decide if I want to go? I am the one who has to be in different relationships day in and day out. Shouldn't I get to choose if I feel comfortable in the relationship? If I don't feel comfortable shouldn't I get to choose if I wish to leave?

Why the fuck am I letting doctors, psychiatrist and therapists tell me what I should and should not be doing to make my life better? In all honesty I think I have handled everything that has happened to me EXCEPTIONALLY WELL! I did NOT take up drinking, smoking, drugs or gambling. I did NOT jump immediately into another relationship, have sex with random strangers or go on major shopping sprees. I did NOT lock myself in my room for months at a time, over eat or curl up into a ball and die!

What I did do was I started living a healthier lifestyle. I started getting active. I took up some personal interests. I went back to school. I started martial arts. I started volunteering in the community. I started going out and meeting total strangers. I started dating. Basically I started living a single life!

You know what - for someone who supposedly has a social anxiety disorder I most certainly do one hell of a lot of social things! I would even go as far to say that I probably do FAR MORE social activities than people I know who don't have social anxiety!

Ultimately I am the ONLY person who knows what is BEST for me! I need to TRUST my instincts and believe that I am competent enough to distinguish between situations that are "wrong" for me vs. "anxiety". I may be alone, but being alone is far better than being lonely in a relationship. I am HAPPY and NO ONE can tell me otherwise!

Peace