From the Inside

There are many things in life that I don't understand, nor do I care to understand. One thing that I do know is that I write a lot more when I am down or upset. As it turns out I did not have enough tickets for any rides at the amusement park and as result I have left the park.

It's okay. I am beginning to think that I don't belong at the park - or anywhere else for that matter. At least that is how I feel at the moment. You see the thing is I don't know what I don't know. I am not sure how I can be expected to 'know' how to act/behave/do things that I have never done as an adult. 

For the first time ever I didn't listen to anyone. I didn't think too much. I didn't ponder "what does this mean". Nor did I question anything. I just acted on my feelings and how I felt at the time - what a change for me! But the reality was - being me was still not good enough and ultimately I ended up getting hurt again.

I know, I have been told by many people, many times, that 'it is their loss'; 'they were just not the right one'; 'you have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince'. The thing is I am not looking for a prince and I LOVE frogs, but aside from all of that I do hear what you are all telling me. I am not "whining" because I did not get what I wanted, I am "griping" because it is so hard and emotionally draining to stay positive, trusting and hopeful. I don't know who to trust - even my gut has let me down. It is days like this that I understand why so many people choose to stay single.

I never thought of myself as someone who would choose to be single but I have to say that this is something I am certainly considering. What people don't know is that every man I meet takes away a small piece of me - part of my energy - and I honestly don't know if I can handle losing any more of my energy. I may sound callus and heartless in my posts - but I really am not. I remember EVERY man's name who I have met for coffee. I remember what he did for a living, how many children he had and his story. Why? Because I care, sometimes I care too much.

I have been trying not to care, but it's something that I can't change about myself. At first I allowed my 'caring' side to show and I was quickly taken advantage of or told I was 'too emotionally needy'. So I tried a different approach. I tried to continue about my business and not to 'care too much' and I now hear I am 'too busy', cold and distant. It would appear that I can't win for losing and the whole thing just takes so much out of me. 

Peace