Lies, Greed and Misery

I have never been one who enjoyed soap operas, Dance Moms, or a reality tv - I don't enjoy the drama. All the lies, greed and deception leave me feeling empty and cold. I will never understand the need to deceive.

We all lie - most times it's to protect someone's feelings - but this is not what I am referring to. I am talking about omitting important pieces of information, 'flowering' things up, or just making things up to 'sway' my opinion or to 'win' me over. The satisfaction in 'pulling the wool' over someone's eyes alludes me - I just don't get it. For me honesty is the best I can hope for.

The truth hurts. I liken it to a paper cut. A paper cut can make even the toughest man scream in pain and agony. But like the truth, all paper cuts are small, hurt like hell and then are quickly forgotten. The good thing about a paper cut is you can learn from it. Should you choose, you can change your behaviour to prevent paper cuts in the future. Deception (lying, avoidance, etc.) on the other hand is like having an ulcer. You can't see anything from the outside, but you just don't feel right inside. Eventually your insides start to erode and you suffer from constant pain and if not dealt with can eventually die from internal bleeding.

I believe that everyone I meet has a reason or a purpose in my life. Some people simply confirm my ability to trust my instincts. Others teach me that I am capable of things I didn't know were possible any more. Some guide me through the dark points of my journey. This time I am at a loss. I have met someone who is my polar opposite - someone who represents everything I abhor - but my instincts didn't tell me to run. Now I struggle with the drama this person has introduced to my life.

I know I can walk away at any time - that is my choice; however I know how difficult it is to change. I know how frustrating it can be when those around you 'can't see' or 'don't believe' that you have changed. I get so upset and disheartened when I am "pigeon holed" based on my 'old' behaviours. Am I being naive? Am I being deceived? Or is my 'gut' on the right track?

I realize that being in a toxic situation does not make you a stronger person but perhaps this time it's not about me being a positive influence in someone's life. Perhaps the lesson is for me. Do I have trust issues? Are my expectations too high? Am I too demanding? Perhaps I have been given this opportunity to really explore who I am and what I can and cannot accept.

Peace