Armed with my garlic (structure) and cross (logical thinking) I have been playing 'nice' with the vampire, knowing full well I may get bitten. Very few people around me understand why I would 'waste' my time with such a creature. There are many reasons but the primary ones for me are simple - I have a lot to learn about relationships and I am lonely.
I know my friends are only concerned for me but I have already learned too many things about myself to not continue to explore my behaviours. I am far too committed - as with most things in my life I have 2 speeds - stop and fast forward. I used to believe I was just passionate but now I am able to see how my behaviours can be taken as needy or desperate.
I need structure and I can see how this can come across as cold and frigid. As such I am learning that I need to learn to let go a little. Yes, it's nice to be able to plan things but some spontaneity is nice as well. Similar to my anxiety issues I need to learn to "just be" without "knowing" everything. This is perhaps one of my greatest challenges - but I am working diligently to find a comfort zone.
I have had many friends ask me "if you don't see yourself with him the rest of your life why would you waste your time?" My answer to this is simple - why must there be such high expectations? Why can't I just take things one day at a time? Why can't I have someone in my life for 'right now'? As adults why can't we just mutually agree to keep each other company?
The thing is I thought my marriage was "forever" and look how that ended. Getting to know someone is just that - getting to know someone. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes communication. It's something I need to learn to try.
I know my friends "believe" I am settling - but I have not closed any doors. I have not made any commitments to anyone. I have not given my soul to the "dark side". I am going through life one day at a time and I am learning to accept what each day brings. No expectations. No promises. No hopes.
I know the difference between love and loneliness and I also know when I am being used. My friends will just have to trust that I am doing what I need to do for ME right now.
"Until you get comfortable with being alone you'll never know if you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness" ~ Mandy Hale
Peace
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