I don't want to play games any more. I don't want to hear empty promises. I don't want to try to fulfil people's crazy expectations. I am me! Nothing more than me. I cannot bear to hear one more person tell me that ME is not good enough! Oddly enough out of all the men I have met this year the only one who did not give me "false hope" or "empty promises" was the vampire; however, I have since realized that Vampire Boy was making me feel lonelier than I already was. I have learned that being alone does not make you lonely - being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest place in the world - so I have returned to the land of the "living".
Although I have learned so much I find myself back at square one. I feel exactly as I did the day my ex-husband left - only this time I am not grieving the loss of one person, but rather grieving the hurt and pain of many. Not only have I felt pain but I have caused my share of hurt and pain to others - and this too wears on my soul.
I have been trying really hard not to care. I have been trying to not take things personally. I have been trying to enjoy meeting multiple people all at once. The thing is - none of this is me and I can no longer do what is 'expected' of me.
So what have I learned from all of this? I tried something different and I didn't like it. So now it's time for me to go back to doing what I want! Doing what makes me happy. Doing things that I enjoy. Before I begin this next phase of my journey I must again start over - grieving, healing and forgiving. This time however I will be focusing on my behaviours. I will learn from my mistakes and I will rely on my friends to guide me when I fear I will repeat my bad behaviours.
Everything happens for a reason and I believe that right now the message the universe is sending me is to stop helping others and to start helping myself.
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