Dirty Rotten Bastards

It’s easy for me to write out my thoughts and values. It’s true that I mean what I say, but saying something and doing something are two very different things. It is not always easy to practice what I KNOW I should be doing.

Every thought is of “retreating”. Every situation causes my eyes to well up with tears. Every task is exhausting. It’s easy for those not in my shoes to give me advice – heck, I even know what I need to do – but doing it is SO HARD.

When you have lived all your life being passive and trying to please everyone it is very over whelming to stand your ground and stand up for yourself. I am learning to be a “bitch” – not in a nasty way – in a respectful and assertive manner. I’m done making excuses for the way other people treat me. I’m done giving everyone the ‘benefit’ of the doubt 3, 4, 25 times! I’m done believing the words people utter. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

My battle at the moment is to make my actions speak louder than my words. My words tell me to stand up for myself and to walk away, but my actions are quite another. A couple of months ago a stranger likened my actions to a golden retriever – no matter how badly you treat them they keep coming back for more. Now if a complete stranger observed this behaviour in a single brief situation...well enough said.

So yet another emotion I am “sitting” with – although I have no idea what ‘emotion’ this is. All I know is that my “flight” instinct has kicked in. I just want to hibernate so I don’t need to deal with ANYONE. Since hibernation is not an option perhaps a change of scenery is in order, or better yet – relocation. Logically I know that these behaviours will change NOTHING, despite what certain people have told me, but I see no value in these actions other than avoidance.

As good as I feel after I stand up for myself it is a behaviour that I have not been exposed to frequently and as such I have not become accustomed to the feeling. I often question if my actions were assertive or aggressive. If my words are factual or personal. If my actions are clear or ambiguous. So I know that “running” is not the answer, as the saying goes – practice makes perfect.

I will always be a hopeful, caring and forgiving person that is part of me that I cannot change, but I am learning to not immediately offer these traits to others. If you are offered an invitation, my door will always be open. You can choose to come into my life or you can choose to leave my life – just don’t stand in the doorway, you are blocking the way for others.

Peace