No Hero

Three days! I have slept for 3 days. I have cried for 3 days. I have been immobilized by fear for 3 days. Heeding my own advice I stopped running from my problems and owned up to them. The result was 3 days of self pity, confusion, pain, anger, heart break and difficult decisions. 

I decided to deal with my fears head on, face to face. No more telling myself 'everything will work out'. No more "hoping" for the best. No more "accepting" what has been given to me. I decided it was time to roll up my sleeves, get off the bench and get into the game.

Having said that "getting into the game" means giving up many things that bring joy to my life. My decisions were not easy to make. My choices were not simple. I am terrified of doing the wrong thing - but doing nothing is not the right thing either. Doing a bit is not working. So I have reached a point where I need to consider some drastic measures.

My time has run out, my faith has run out and my patience has run out. My avoidance of perhaps my biggest fear has now started to impact my family. And worse, my avoidance has been slowly eroding away at all the progress I have made in regards to my self esteem. I won't go back! I can't go back! I have to keep moving forward.

My only option is change. Not changing who I am, but changing my behaviours. Changing my lifestyle. Changing my outlook on life. This is a situation that is out of my control - I have 3 choices - I can accept things, I can complain about things or I can change how I react to things. I have been trying to accept things but since I cannot accept things the way they are I have to change. It is the only way I know how to cope.

Now that the decision has been made I have to tread carefully. I know I am guilty of having 2 speeds - stop and fast forward - and I need to find a middle ground. I don't want to struggle to exist in this life. I want to live my life, not sit on the side lines watching it pass me by, but I also don't want to wait until things go too far and it's too late and the damage is irreparable.

So I am going with my instincts, not my brain. My instincts are telling me it's time to deal with this 'present situation' anyway I can - even if that means personal sacrifices.

Peace

"I ain't no fucking hero I'm just trying to survive myself" ~ The Offspring