Everything Counts

I know I am my own worst enemy. I am always hardest on myself. I expect so much from myself, I question my behaviours and I have a hard time forgiving my mistakes. All this has been slowly changing.

I have stopped "thinking". I have stopped questioning and analysing all my behaviours. I have also stopped "hoping" or setting expectations. I have been learning to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they happen. Of course all of these actions have been in moderation and I have had failures. Hey I was born to be awesome not perfect!

I will admit that I questioned my recent retreat. I was feeling overwhelmed by many emotions and wondering if my retreating was reverting back to my old behaviours of "running". Once again I was wrong. I sure am wrong a lot! Not so much with 'what' I do but what I 'think' I should do. Once again my 'gut' or instincts were right and my brain or 'thoughts' were wrong.

My retreat, while impromptu, served a dual purpose - it allowed me some space from one of my losses but forced me to confront face-to-face a second loss. Regardless of how emotional the week was for me I will NEVER regret my decision.

I know some close to me had concerns. Believe it or not there are a couple of people in my life who 'have my back' and don't want to see me get hurt or used. But I am beyond stubborn and I did what my heart told me to do. What I would HOPE my closest friends would do for me should I ever be in the same situation.

You see I am a strong, independent person but sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. If I could do this for another human being (be their hug) - without having them ask for it- then how could I say no? Regardless of how anyone viewed my actions I know my reasons and I felt AMAZING for being strong enough to put aside my personal feeling and help. To paraphrase the Grinch - my heart grew 3 sizes that week.

Being the proud individual that I am, I don't like asking for help. I don't like to "need" anyone - emotionally or otherwise. I don't like to feel vulnerable or weak. But there are times when I wish those around me would simply "offer" support instead of me always having to ask for it. This is WHY I do some of the stupid shit that I do - because I can "imagine" how the other person must feeling. I believe this is called empathy.

So once again I am dealing with loss - but I am different now than I was before - and I am choosing to focus on the good times and the positives and not the loss itself. All I will have soon are my memories and I KNOW I took the time and the effort to make them GOOD ones!

Peace