Boulevard of Broken Dreams

You would think that by now I would be used to rejection. Out of every man I have met, only 5% of the time I ended our dating. Yes, you know darn well I have done the math. The thing is - I'm still not used to it. I am so tired of being told that rejection only makes me stronger. I think I am already strong enough. If I was not upset in some way that I was rejected I would be very concerned that I was starting to lack empathy.

I know I am not perfect. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. One of my weaknesses is being able to show affection to what I consider to be complete strangers. Yes the men I meet are complete strangers and remain as such until I have spent enough time with them. How much time differs but I don't start to feel even the slightest bit of affection for anyone right away.

Logically I know that the men who do not have the patience to wait for me are not worth my efforts, nonetheless the rejection (or lack of patience) still wears on me. I thought coming off of online dating sites would make things easier, where in fact they have made things more difficult.

One of my best friends told me the other day that they could not believe that they had know me for 15 years already. What they found interesting was that they were JUST starting to get to know me - after 15 years! So if someone I have felt very close to for the last 15 years is just feeling affection from me I COMPLETELY understand why men don't know how to "read me". Here is the catch 22 - I am not easy to get to know - and I don't know how to be anyone but me.

Perhaps I have too simple a view of things? Everyone says dating is complicated. To me its simple - you want to get to know me or you don't - black or white - simple. I understand that getting to know someone presents a fair amount of risk - so you are either prepared to take the risk or you are not. For the most part, regardless of my inner fears, I have been prepared to take the risk with most men I meet and find it frustrating that I can't find anyone else prepared to take the same risk on me.

I know one day I will find a man who will be willing to take the risk and get to know me. Until that day comes I will just have to continue to have hope. "Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. Til then, I walk alone" ~ Green Day

Peace