Turning Into You

"I've been drowning in the sea. I've tried to please you. It's all I'll ever be. It's all I ever knew. I try to be me, but I'm turning into you."

So, I took the leap of faith, confided my fears, shared my darkest secret and although I didn't self-destruct, there has been no improvement in my mood. In fact it is the opposite - I feel I have made a grave mistake and that I have failed in a universal way. My self-esteem is at an all time low.

I do recognize that this is not a 'pity party'. I am not seeking some form of universal 'atta girl' message. This is deeper. It is like everything I have know to be true is gone - changed - moved on - is missing. None of my coping techniques, support systems or reference points on change are working for me. 

I have been told that other people care about me. I find that extremely hard to process. I am the one who cares about other people. Rarely do they care about me. Or is it because I rarely give them a reason to worry about me? This all goes back to the 'who do I trust' statement. 

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Honestly it all hurts my head. I would really like to stop all my analyzing. Trouble is, as soon as I stop thinking I start feeling and then the pain in my heart starts. Once the feelings begin they are overwhelming. So I feel safer thinking right now than feeling. 

In my You Can't Judge a Book By It's Cover post I was so excited to finally have someone who believed in me and accepted me. Now I have gone to an extreme where I am so afraid of failing that I am immobilized. Fear is a horrible thing.

My bigger question is why am I like this all of a sudden. I am used to failure. In fact I often set myself up to fail. Is it because I have finally found a path that I want to be successful on? Is it because I feel I have expectations to live up to? Is it because I feel that I talked the talk and now I need to walk it? 

Perhaps it is because now I am in the spotlight. I have never liked being in the spotlight. I have always preferred to be in the background just doing my thing. A friend mentioned that I just need to keep being me. Simple words which put so many things in perspective - I have lost sight of 'me'. I have forgotten who I am, what I stand for, and how to be me. Everything is new for me right now and I struggle to apply my 'me-ness'.

How does one reconnect with who they are?

Peace

"I'm not how I used to be, I'm changing cause of you. I'm screaming just to breathe. It's all that I can do. I try to be me, but I'm turning into you." ~ The Offspring