I have been finding solace in rereading some of my old posts. I'm both surprised and disappointed to see that my current need to please and self-doubt are recurring themes. As is sit here laughing at myself I wonder why it is so difficult for us to see our own road blocks. Had I not written about my struggles this would be all new to me. It feels all new to me. Like something I have never experienced before...apparently I am very good at fooling myself.
Perhaps this is the way that the mind protects us. I doubt that I am the only one who repeats their behaviours like this and doesn't see them for what they are. Perhaps this is why behavioural changes are the hardest thing to accomplish. Changes in behaviour are great until there is stress - then most often the old behaviours return.
I wonder if it is possible to remove all of the old behaviours forever, or if they are part of our genetic makeup. The whole nature vs. nurture scenario. Were we born this way or did our environments make us this way? Or is it a combination of both?
Why do I always doubt myself when I go through major change? I can hear a familiar voice in my head 'You do this every time. You can do this. You have done this. Why are you fighting it?'. Why am I fighting it? Why do I question myself? Why can't I just be me? Why am I afraid to succeed? Why do I have such a hard time believing I know what I am doing?
As strange as it sounds I am glad to have these posts to reference. They allow me to see my repetitive behaviour easily. On the flip side, while the pattern is easy to see, the reason behind it is not as easy to understand. This will be my focus for a while...Why do I continue to have these core behaviours? Why are they manifesting in such extreme ways this time? What can I do to expedite the process?
Peace
"Mental wounds not healing. Life's a bitter shame. I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train." ~ Ozzy Osbourne
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