Restless Heart Syndrome

It's funny how in a few short weeks I have had more thoughts in my head than I have in a really long time. One thing that I quickly forgot is that there are only 2 good uses for my thoughts - to find a solution to a problem and to find the root cause of my emotions.

Forgetting this rule caused me to become overwhelmed with all the chattering in my brain. I felt trapped with no way to get out. I was fortunate enough to have someone who could see my panicked state behind my happy face and painted several big exit signs for me. This gave me the time to calm myself down and realize what was really happening in my head.

Now that I am aware of all that is going on with me emotionally and mentally I am able to look at the root cause and find solutions. With the concerned words of a good friend I had sudden clarity. It all goes back to my I'm Coming Undone post and my core personality trait of caring. Not only do I care, I am empathetic with those that I care about.

This means that I go into their deep dark hole with them and I share their emotions with them as if they are my own. I relive my own emotions to relate to their emotions. Talk about a light bulb moment. I have often referred to myself as an emotional sponge, soaking up all the emotions around me. What I never realized was how this was happening. It has always just been so natural to me, like breathing.

Even though I show empathy naturally I have always been aware of the dangers. I often feel drained and vulnerable. Sometimes I need to 'hibernate' for long periods of time - which I just attributed to being an introvert. I am starting to think that there may be more to my behaviours. Perhaps this has been the way my brain protects itself and helps keep me stable. 

My fear now is that I one of these days I will go into the deep dark hole with someone I care about and I will not have anyone on the other side to help pull me out. Should this occur, will I be strong enough to pull myself out? I don't know, nor to I want to find out. So I continue to find those that I can trust to have my back and pull me out when I ask for help. Even better are those select few who notice when I am too far gone to ask for help and reach out with a helping hand.

Peace

"I'm a victim of my symptom. I am my own worst enemy. You're a victim of your symptom. You are your own worst enemy. Know your enemy." ~ Green Day