Another One Bites the Dust

Yet another year has come and gone. Time to take stock of our accomplishments and failures. Did you know that New Year's Resolutions are not a part of a belief system?

My kids asked me what my New Year's Resolution was, and I said 'I don't believe in making resolutions'. I then got a lecture on how resolutions are not like Santa - you don't believe in them or not. What I probably should have said was 'I don't believe that resolutions should only be made on New Year's Day'.

I believe that self improvement is an ongoing process that should not be defined by the first day of a new year only to be forgotten by the 14th day. The beautiful thing about life is that we are given EVERY day as a 'do over'. That gives each person the opportunity to resolve to do something different each and every day that they wake up breathing.

My kids understood what I was saying, adults, not so much. They have a hard time understanding why I constantly 'believe' that I have to change who I am. They want to know 'why' I can't be happy with who I am the way I am. Interesting question. Difficult to answer because I am happy with who I am.

Here's the thing though, a really BIG part of me is an internal drive to continuously learn. I can be learning anything, facts, figures, science, or math; to me it makes no difference as long as I find it interesting. Right now I am very interested in learning about me. I want to learn more coping skills - yoga, meditation. I want to learn why I do what I do - personality types. I want to learn how to face my fears - cognitive behaviour therapy.

Why do people play team sports? Fish? Knit? Partake in any hobby? Is it because they don't like who they are? I enjoy my hobbies because they are fun, occupy my time and allow me to get out of the 'day to day' rut we call life - if it wasn't all these things it would be a chore and not a hobby. As strange as it sounds - personal growth is my newest hobby. I shall enjoy my new hobby until another one draws my focus and attention.

Peace

Wishing everyone a healthy and prosperous 2014!

Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

Christmas - it has always been my favourite holiday. Whether you are young or old, snow or no snow, there is something magical about the Christmas season. People laugh when I say I believe in Santa Claus. To me, he is everywhere - the kind gestures strangers display during the holiday season.

You see, I believe in Christmas spirit, otherwise labelled as Santa. I try to continue this 'spirit' year round, which is not always easy. It's hard to remember that sometimes a smile, friendly gesture, or simple conversation can make another person's day. We often get so wrapped up in our day to day things that we take others around us for granted.

I have often fallen into the 'trap' of the mundane daily rut - which feels like everything you do is a 'chore' or a 'man I have to do xyz'. The thing is, while these activities may be a non-negotiable tasks, the way in which they are perceived is 100% my choice. I have gotten very good at seeing the 'bright side' of these tasks and viewing them in a positive light.

The piece of the puzzle that I am starting to realize I have neglected is 'sharing' my positive energy. Not by 'converting people' to my way of thinking but rather opening my heart and giving freely. I have been so hurt and misunderstood by people around me (old and new) that I have built up so many barriers to protect myself.

Walls, they do such an excellent job preventing the bad from coming in. The thing is they also prevent the good from coming out. If I'm all about two-way communication with friends it is only logical that I become two-way about sharing my positive thoughts.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions - but I do believe in Christmas spirit - so what better time than Christmas Day to resolve to live every day of the year as if it were Christmas!

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” 
~ Charles Dickens

Peace

Master & Servant

I have been spending a great deal of time in waiting rooms over the last few months. Many different magazines are common place in most waiting rooms. The other day an article title on the cover of Men's Health caught my eye. The article was about an intense 10 minute muscle building work out that I really want to try, but I digress...the smaller, less noticeable title beside it was Will She Sleep with You? Find Out!

I know, curiosity killed the cat, but who could resist the temptation. I quickly thumbed to page 52 and was slightly disappointed. There was no article per se, rather a simple flow chart. The flow chart began with meeting the woman for a FIRST date. There were 4 simple yes/ no questions and paths to follow that left me giggling out loud in a waiting room full of people. The flow chart was written by a woman. The contributing expert was a male PhD in Non-Verbal Studies.

Four simple signs to easily and quickly tell if your date will sleep with you on the FIRST DATE. Hold on to your seats ladies and gentlemen for I am going to reveal the great secret.

1. If she doesn't chat with you while eating her dinner - you ain't gettin' any.
2. If she doesn't go to the wash room while on the date - sorry about your luck.
3. If she goes to the wash room and does not apply lipstick - best pay the bill and head out.
4. Upon 'wrapping' up the evening if she doesn't grab your leg or stroke your hair - WTF???

The best part was the last BONUS step. If all the above answers were NO - ask her to sleep with you anyway! Apparently 50% of women will forgive a man who is too forward. Hmmm, I guess 50% is better than ZERO! As I sat there shaking my head and feeling bad for every man who read this flow chart and took it as gospel I noticed a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the page. The font was so small I had to take my glasses off to read it.

The disclaimer stated that 90% of women need at least 3 dates to decide if they want to sleep with a man. NOW I KNOW WHERE THE 3rd DATE RULE CAME FROM!!!! I knew there had to be some reason practically EVERY man I have met expected me to spread em' on the 3rd date! Now correct me if I am wrong but deciding to sleep with a man and sleeping with a man are 2 very different things!

While nothing I read in this article came as a great surprise to me I was slightly disappointed to see that a woman wrote the article. It was a bit disheartening to realize that there are women who perpetuate such garbage. No wonder men have a hard time understanding women - women don't even understand other women.

"I got your back Jack. Bitches be crazy" ~ Sheldon Cooper

Peace

All the Strange Strange Creatures

Anger is an emotion I have worked very hard at keeping out of my life. I have a hard time seeing the value in getting angry about things. Perhaps anger is not the right word, holding a grudge may be a 'better fit'. Most of the time I feel that there is nothing that can change the outcome of events, so you might as well get on board. Better to be on the bus than under it.

Many people ask me why I find Doctor Who so entertaining. Aside from the awesome story lines, fabulous actors and the overall concept, I would have to say that Doctor Who has taught me one of the most important lessons of life.

"Sometimes you fail, sometimes you screw up, and sometimes you try your very hardest, do your very best and it still isn't enough." Depending on which Doctor you are it is at this time you pick yourself up, dust off your jacket/ tie your shoelace/ straighten your bow tie, and move on!

I have known my behaviours for a long time; however, I often try to change them rather than accept them. My recent withdrawal from civilization is common for my personality type, which has "been known to cut off a relationship or friendship and not look back". Once I acted on my 'gut' behaviours I quickly realized my anger had stemmed from trusting someone who offered me hope and then took it away. Now that's enough to make anyone dangerous - never mind me.

I have learned that what I focus on is what becomes 'real' for me. So instead of focusing on what I perceive to be my 'bad' behaviours I am focusing on accepting my behaviours as 'what is right for me'. As I started feeling my emotions rather than focusing on 'why I had these emotions' I was able to move on.

The more I started to accept my behaviours as 'right for me' the more my anger started to dissipate. As my anger started to fade, I started to forgive myself. As I forgave myself I started to accept who I am. While this is somewhat of a process, the more I accept myself the happier I realize I am. Recently my level of happiness has moved to a higher level. For almost a month now I have been ecstatic. My heart has been swelling so much I feel as if it might burst.

I love everything in my life, about my life and who I am. I am proud of the fabulous job I have done in regards to my self development. I am aware that I have done wonders with my self esteem and now it is time to pause and simply enjoy my victories. I am at peace.

Peace
Warning: Prolonged exposure to Doctor Who music may cause multiple side effects. These may include growing a spine, standing up for yourself, developing a strong sense of justice, loving liberty & freedom, becoming easily angered with righteous fury when facing down tyrants and criminals, and forming strong bonds with family and friends.

Slept So Long

"The way I see it every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." ~ Doctor Who

I have always tried to add to everyone's pile of good things. I felt this was my "purpose" in life. I now feel that nothing I do is good enough for anyone. Everyone either wants more or is disappointed by what I bring to the table.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with my life. I have a great new job that I am truly enjoying. I am closer now to my kids than I have ever been. And I am gradually accepting that the only person I can count on is me. But now I question - if it's only me - what is my purpose in life?

Perhaps I am facing a mid-life crisis? Perhaps I have just spent too much time alone - who knows? All I know is everyone has dreams but very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend.

I'm tired of always having to be the one to "reach out" for help. I'm tired of always being the one to initiate and continue communication. Friends are people you stay in touch with, but it has to be 2-way communication.

Doing what I do best I have now pushed everyone in my life away. I have retreated once again. Why? Because I am tired of all the pain. Everyone leaves and I am left with an empty heart and no hope.

I find it amusing when people tell me that I am "cold and heartless". You see I am the exact opposite. My flaw - I care too much and get too emotionally attached to people. In addition I trust far too easily and can be too open. All of this makes it perplexing when I am told that I have "trust issues". To me having "trust issues" implies one has a lack of trust, not too much trust.

I am trying to choose my friends with greater care, but this is exactly what has gotten me in this mess. So here I sit wondering how to teach myself to become what others perceive me to be - cold, uncaring and unable to trust.

Peace

"Did you think it's cool to walk right up to take my life and fuck it up? Now did you?" ~ Static-X 

Shake the Disease

Why is it that we want/ enjoy things that we can't have or are no good for us? This is a universal issue - I'm hard pressed to find anyone who "craves" a big juicy apple topped with a crunchy celery stick and slab of lettuce. I also doubt many bartenders have heard these words uttered "bartender! Give me a tall glass of water. I need to get hydrated!"

I haven't had a hamburger in a restaurant in years. When I eat out I usually take the healthier option of chicken. Last night I caved and ordered a blue cheese and bacon burger. Unfortunately I was greatly disappointed. Not only was the bun dry but so was the burger.

I suspect that not all temptations are quite as disappointing as my burger was, but this got me thinking. I think part of my anger is because I am disappointed with myself. I thought I could handle something but I couldn't. I believed I was strong enough to keep my emotional distance but I was wrong and ended up too emotionally involved.

Almost a year later and I am still "craving" something that is far worse for my well being than a cheeseburger and alcohol. Similar to my burger experience I know that giving in to my "temptations" will only result in great disappointment so I have to be resilient in my resolve, but it is difficult.

It's funny how the mind can justify and rationalize everything. You say that you have things under control that no one will get hurt but it's all a great big lie. Turns out the one who is getting hurt the most is you, without even knowing it. Like an addiction you can't stop your behaviours even though you know they are detrimental to you. The really sad part is in the end regardless of what happens you are left with a great deal of sadness.

Walking away, although difficult, was nothing compared to staying away. It's so easy to forget all the frustration and disappointment and remember all the good and fun things. Funny how soon we forget the things we don't want to remember.

I think what is bothering me the most is not only do I have no one in my life I can trust but now I can't even trust myself. I can't trust anything I see, hear or feel. It's this realization that makes my heart hurt and because I don't know how to change any of this I start to get angry.

Peace

Not Meant for Me

Did you know that doing needle point with a cat on your lap is actually a warped form of extreme sport? If you are not accurate or fast enough, cross stitching quickly becomes a violent blood sport.

This post is perhaps one of my 'oldest' and most 'revisited' posts. For the most part I put pencil to paper and the words just flow out. This one has been in the "works" for months now (I have written about it in the past) and I am continuously reworking it. Why am I changing my behaviours with this 1 post? Simple - I don't want to sound like I am have some big "pity party" and no one was invited. I am not wallowing in self pity - I am angry.

I understand that anger is a secondary emotion. We all know I have done my due diligence to determine the true emotion behind my anger. That emotion is difficult for me to articulate. My gut would say betrayal, abandonment, or

disillusion but my "I see things from both sides of the fence" brain tells me that I should not be offended in any way - that these things just happen and life gets in the way.

Let's take a step back - for some time now I have needed a friend. There is nothing wrong, nothing is upsetting me, and there is nothing to work out. I just want to spend time with someone - IN PERSON - you know a real face-to-face conversation. I just need to connect with someone - not strangers - someone who already knows me. Someone I can be myself with. Someone I can relate to and hear about their life.

Unfortunately for months now no one has been available. This leaves me feeling trapped in this world, lonely and fading, heart broke and waiting for someone to be "free". These thoughts have only reinforced my feelings that I am trapped in a world that's not meant for me. I question if I belong anywhere. See this reads like a great big pity party - but it's not - in fact it's been a real eye opener for me. 

At first I reached out to those in my life only to have doors shut in my face. As the days and months passed anger set in. I started hating life and everyone in it. My anger has caused me to 'act out' in some bizarre ways - like removing myself from electronic communications. Once again I have been taught another lesson - one for some reason I have a hard time accepting - the only person I can count on is me.

Why is this lesson so hard for me to accept? I think it's because deep down inside all I really want is to have at least one person in my life that I KNOW will be there for me no matter what. Friendship is a 2-way street and not just about the bad times, its also about sharing the good times as well. Now I sit here angry and jaded questioning what exactly happened that caused me to feel this way.

Peace