You Build Up Hope But...

Fear of failure. This is something that many people dread. Many are immobilized and never 'try' for fear of failure. Not me. Failure is my friend, my companion and an expected outcome.

Me, I fear success. I have a hard time excepting the fact that I did something successfully. I am uncomfortable with receiving praise or even recognition for a job well done. Which I find perplexing because I am a perfectionist. Maybe that's why I am a perfectionist - because nothing will ever be perfect, ergo I will never be successful.

I now ponder my predicament. If I am afraid of being successful, am I also afraid of being happy? The two are often 'tied' together. While I understand that society has preconceived notions of what 'success' means, generally when one is happy they are also successful in their endeavors.

When I wrote about resolutions I am sure most people assumed that my resolve "to try" would be regardless of the outcome - good, bad or ugly - but I wasn't afraid of the bad and the ugly. Often the reason I don't try is because "what if it works out"? I seldom worry about the rejection.

So why do I fear success? I am not a therapist, but I believe that it has to do with self esteem, or my lack thereof. For whatever reason - to be determined - I feel that I don't deserve to be successful and/ or happy.

But this statement is also not true, as I do know deep down inside that I DO DESERVE to be successful and happy. I am a good person and work hard for everything I have achieved.

Perhaps my issue is that I don't know 'how' to be successful and happy. Perhaps I need to LEARN how to be comfortable with being successful. Maybe I need to accept the fact that being proud is not the same as bragging. I think I need to stop focusing so much on pleasing others and just "try". What is the worst thing that could happen? I could succeed...

Peace