Fallout

Everyone has problems. Everyone has emotions. Everyone has fears. Everyone deals differently with things. Some people live in denial. Some people carry a lot of anger. Some people take all the blame for things. Some people avoid. Some people thrive on trouble and look for it.

Through all my recent work in confronting my anxiety I have learned more than a few things. First and foremost I need to listen to myself. It's alright to ask for a second opinion, but it must be just that - a second opinion. If I am unsure about something I need to figure out things first before getting someone else's opinion. Right now I am too easily influenced by the opinion of others and following someone else's advice has caused me to get into uncomfortable situations which in turn ended up causing me a lot of anxiety.

Secondly, regardless of what I continue to verbalize - you can never have too many friends. Building relationships needs to be my main priority right now. I need to learn to allow others to get to know me. I need to learn to stop putting up "walls" of protection.

I have to be mindful that in order to build successful friendships I will need to learn to listen to my inner voice. I will need to decide what works for me - what I am willing to accept and what I want. Most importantly I will need to figure out the difference between avoidance and loss of self. If I am avoiding - I will need to continue in the relationship. If I am giving up myself (my values) I will need to have the strength to walk away. Ultimately I need to always do what is best for me.

It's funny how the things I miss now are things I NEVER had in my marriage. I miss intellectual conversation. Not talk about stock markets or politics, just conversation that makes me think. I miss affection. I notice I hug my friends more frequently than I used to. There is something about human contact in a non-sexual way that I find I need now. I miss companionship. It's really nice to know that someone is there for you should you need a shoulder to cry on, or better yet being there for someone who needs a shoulder to cry on.

As I sit here in the smoke of the bridges I have burned I am making every attempt to rebuild the friendships I have sabotaged over the last couple of months. Some people have been very supportive and accepting of me and my actions and others, not so much.

I don't know what will happen and all I can do is try, but this decision to try to rebuild feels right to me - despite what many others have told me. I have said many times that I need to make friends but now I believe I have the knowledge to make this idea a reality.

Peace