Your Decision

I rarely change anything I have written. I generally have anywhere from 4 to 8 future dated posts which are scheduled to be published each Monday...which means what you read is often one to two months behind actual events. Kind of like how the BBC programming used to be - remember watching Coronation Street Christmas episodes in June?

I have pre-empted your scheduled programming to bring you this special post. In light of my recent overwhelming flood of loneliness I have been feeling more than a little "exposed" and "vulnerable". Loneliness is an emotion that most people consider to be a sign of weakness and even fewer people will ever willing admit to feeling and here I went an announced to the universe that I was immobilized by a tsunami of loneliness.

My recent feelings of vulnerability have brought to the surface some behaviours that I have actively CHOSEN to change. You see, I am a runner. No a physical runner, but rather an emotional runner. When I feel overwhelmed, by any emotion, I retreat from the universe. I withdraw from family and friends. I shut down mentally and emotionally - the walls go up and the hounds are released.

I am like an injured animal. I run off into the woods and tend to my wounds. Once my wounds are healed I gradually and cautiously make my way out of the woods. I know that I do this because when I am emotionally overwhelmed I believe that I cannot bear feeling one more thing - I'm SICK of feeling. I fear that one more negative comment, one more dramatic event, one more angry voice and I will shatter into a billion pieces.

I know I am not unique in this respect, if animals behave in this manner why shouldn't I? I know many people would understand my behaviours and would actual condone and support these behaviours, so why would I CHOOSE to change what works for me? This is when one of my favourite quotes comes to mind "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results" ~ Albert Einstein.

Yes, running has served a purpose for me, it provides me with a safe and sheltered environment where I can think, blame myself, feel guilty and 'dwell' on the past until I get so sick and tired of myself that I finally return to the world of the living. What I have learned, now that I am using my thinking for 'good', is that if you run from something it only stays with you longer. If you face something it makes you stronger.

So, I am CHOOSING to face my 'overwhelming' emotions. This has not been an easy decision for me to make but I believe the saying - life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Even before I made the final decision to stand up for myself and face my fears I had already started taking actions to do things that "made my soul feel good".

So to help with FEELING these emotions and FACING them every time they appear I have actively started utilizing some coping skills. I am CHOOSING to see the positive in every emotion. I am CHOOSING to send positive messages into the universe (and on FB). I am CHOOSING to laugh and smile everyday. I am CHOOSING to be thankful for all that I have in my life. I am CHOOSING to ACCEPT the fact that my emotions are what makes me who I am and I am normal and so are my emotions. I am CHOOSING to forgive and accept those who do not understand the path that I have CHOSEN.

We now return you to your program already in progress...

Peace