I was doing quite well and then not only did I stumble but I tried to go back to my 'old' behaviours and make a run for it! I know, I know, I know. I knew it was a mistake - but old habits die hard. It didn't last very long and now I am 100% sure that I am on the right path.
So now here I sit - knowing that I have made the right decision - but it still does not make it any easier. Having said that though, after I started 'running' I did do some back tracking and took the extra time and effort to do my best to right some negative vibes I felt I had put out into the universe. These actions were to make my soul 'feel at peace' and not for any other reason.
I am hurting. I tell you not so you will feel sorry for me or to look for comfort. I tell you because this is how I feel. So many people hide their feelings, whether it be heartache, loneliness, etc., or they neutralize their feelings using negative distractions such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex. I don't want to fill the gaping hole in my heart with garbage - I want to heal the hole - or at least fill it with things that make me happy.
Again I come back to a familiar place. I KNOW I am not unique. I know I am not the only person out there that feels lonely or is hurting. I don't write these words looking for support, I write these words because I am STRONG! I KNOW I am strong because I CHOOSE to face the loneliness instead of running from it.
I don't have a 'plan of action' - remember I have CHOSEN to stop thinking, but I do know that I will be fine. In fact I will be more than fine and one day I will look back on this post and I will see how far I have travelled on this journey.
The key, I am learning, is to keep putting one foot in front of the other - no matter what life throws at you! It doesn't matter if you have to retrace your steps several times. If you are self aware you will eventually realize that you have been on that path before. Here's where the strength comes in...once you realize you are walking the same path you can CHOOSE to continue on the same path or you can CHOOSE a different path. And if you don't see any new paths, if you are courageous enough, you can CHOOSE to make your own path!
I have learned that I cannot change my core values, but I can change my behaviours. Right now I am standing up for myself and creating my OWN PATH one step at a time.
"When you've suffered enough and your spirit is breaking. You're growing desperate from the fight. Remember you're loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." ~ Linkin Park
Peace
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