I Was 5!

Similar to my experience of riding a bike for the first time in 30 years, today I jumped rope! The last time I remember jumping rope was 25 years ago when I was 5! HA!


At the beginning of this year I decided to go back into martial arts. This was something I had started when my marriage was in trouble, but before my ex-husband left. I continued for a few months after he left, but found it was too difficult to focus.


Although my current life is very hectic, and I am often late for class, I find attending classes one of the most positive activities in my life right now. Each class is all about me! It's how hard I am willing to push myself and challenge myself. Even if I am having a day from hell I find myself laughing and trying my best - whatever that may be at that time.


The thing about continually trying your best is that eventually you manage to reach certain goals you have set for yourself. This happened to me the other day. For 2 years now I have been trying to place my head on the floor (between my legs). The other day I managed to do it.


The fact that I managed to accomplish this in and of itself was amazing, but even more amazing was how I felt when I did it. I was so excited and proud of myself that I wanted to tell my Sensei - but I quickly reminded myself that I was not 5 and refrained from yelling "Sensei, Sensei look at what I can do!" 


On many occasions it has been extremely difficult for me to attend classes - on a physical and mental level. Between work and the kids I often feel that I don't have enough time or energy to brush my teeth, never mind go to class, but I am quickly learning the POSITIVE benefits of making myself go when I really don't want to.


Why would anyone want to make themselves do something they don't want to do? In this particular case, I am learning that when I am over stressed martial arts is the BEST medicine for me! When I am practicing my kata I am so focused on what I am doing (and not falling over) that I don't have any time to "worry", "stress" or have "self-pity". When class is over and I head home I feel like I can accomplish ANYTHING!


For me martial arts has shown me that if I dare to dream it and I try real hard I can achieve it.


Peace

Mean Girl

Raise your hand if you have ever told a close friend that they are too fat or too ugly or deserved to be alone because no one in their right mind would ever want to be with them. I'm not seeing any hands...Okay, so has anyone ever thought this about a close friend but never vocalized it? Once again I am thinking "no".


Me personally, I have never said this OR thought this about a friend or a frenemy for that matter. So why do I continue to say things like this to myself? Why is it that I treat others far better than I treat myself?


Don Miguel Ruiz said something that rang true for me ~ "In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. The limit of your self abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly."


I am repeating this paragraph because it was a HUGE eye opener for me. It was truly one of those "a-ha" light bulb moments. It is clear to me that I NEED to start talking to myself the way I would talk to a friend, or better yet the way I would speak to a stranger.


We tend to be kinder and more accepting of strangers that we do of family and friends. Perhaps since I am just 'learning' about me it would be a good idea to treat myself as an "unknown person" or a "stranger" and forgive myself for my shortcomings. Accept me for who I am and focus on all the positive aspects rather than looking for the slightest flaw and magnifying it 1000 times.


During my many exercises of removing negativity from my environment I never stopped and looked inside of myself. I can't kick myself out of my own life, but I can remove negative thoughts from my mind. Negative thoughts are unproductive, unhelpful and not useful at all.


I shall replace these thoughts and attitudes with useful, helpful and productive thoughts and actions.


Peace

The Middle of the Road

While things have improved greatly for me I still have much ground to cover before I reach the top of the mountain. Some days I wonder if I will remain "broken" forever and other days I know I am "Queen of the World". I am starting to see patterns in my changed of moods. I was already aware of the "common" triggers - lack of sleep, stress, PMS, etc. I am now noticing a different trend - the weekend.


At first I thought I was upset on the weekends because my children were gone and I was feeling all the loneliness full force. I have now started to notice that the lack of children is not the issue. Even on weekends when I have the kids I find myself sad. The simplest tasks can bring me to tears and even the most enjoyable activities will upset me.


My mission - should I choose to accept it - is to figure out "why" weekends upset me so much. The first thing that jumps to mind is that when we were all a "family unit" things were always good on the weekends. When I was married the ex and I did things with the kids on the weekends and we always had a great time.


My immediate response would be that I am reminiscent of these times and miss them. Do I really believe this is the issue? No. It has been over 2 years since we have done any "family activities". It makes no sense that I would all of a sudden start missing these things.

So my agitation and weepy eyes remain a mystery. The root cause continues to allude me. Perhaps it is similar to a watched pot that never boils. At first I thought that if I stopped looking for the reason and just allowed the sadness to flow it would pass. But I have discovered that allowing the sadness in is having the opposite effect. I have become a prisoner in my own home - afraid to leave the safety of my nest.


So for a while I took the opposite approach and ensured that I was beyond busy each weekend - which was a total disaster - as I returned to work fully exhausted and an emotional mess.


The last few weekends I have been trying a 'happy medium'. A little bit of adventure, some kid time, lots of personal down time and early to bed. So far I have noticed that the tears are still there, but only well up in my eyes rather than flowing steadily. The true outcome of these changes are yet to be determined.


Peace 

Take Me to Your Leader

They say that to err is human. Well I finally have proof that I am 100% human!

I like to consider myself to be open minded, non-judgmental and not materialistic. Yes, I know, there are exceptions to every rule, but on a whole I believe that I treat everyone equally and fairly.

Some recent experiences made me give thought to a judgement I made some time ago. I had met this gentleman a few times. I remember him telling me about his 1 bedroom apartment in the east end of the city and how he slept on the couch when his kids visited.

I remember thinking to myself as he was telling me about his run down apartment in this seedy area - 'oh man, I am not really sure I want a relationship with someone who doesn't make at least close to what I make'. Some of you make think "shame on me" and others may think "if you are going to marry again make sure it's for money". My error in judgement was focusing on where he was living and not WHY he was living there.

Photo taken by my eldest child

This man was recently separated. He was not only supporting his children, but also his wife. Rather then investing his money in a house he chose to rent an inexpensive apartment so he could ensure that his family was taken care of and was saving to move after the divorce and marital home had been sold. Did I feel like an ass. 

Family is the most important thing to me. This experience has made it clear to me that I need to associate with more of these types of men and not the ones who flash the cash, own the big houses and fancy cars - you know the ones who are putting "their" needs before those of their family.

In a society where so many items are "expected" and having the "latest and greatest" has become the "norm" I think that we all need to stop and think about what is most important to us - is it the nice house in a fancy neighbourhood or is it your children?

Peace

The Cat Ate My Homework

I have been well aware since day one that my journey would be cyclical. I take one step forward, 4 steps back, 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, 4 steps forward, 1 step back.


My tears have returned. This time not because of my past relationship, nor is it because of my lack of relationship. The tears are falling because it has just dawned on me that all I really need is to be loved. Not in the biblical sense, just appreciated for who I am. For what I bring to the world each day. I know that this all starts with loving myself - which I must admit has improved greatly - but sometimes I just need a 'thank you'.


I just feel like I have reached a point where everyone is taking and no one is giving anything back. I feel so drained and alone. I somehow need to find the strength within me to recharge my batteries, but I am not sure how to do this.


Perhaps it is just a bad day or lack of sleep talking, but on days like this I feel that I am the only person in the world that I can count on. So what do you do when the only person you can count on is yourself and you are having a bad day? Well, the way I see it, there is only one thing that I can do, dry my eyes, make my coffee and head off to work. I just have to make it through the day.


The nice thing is that tomorrow is another day and I get a "do over". This means that a bad day is just that - one day - and tomorrow I get another chance to have a better day.


Peace


P.S. My cat literally ate my journal book. Not only did he chew the pages but he pulled out all the spiral wiring holding the pages together. The bugger.

The Fifth Agreement

I have been reading a lot of "self help/new age" books. It is nice to start reading books like The Secret, The Power of Now and others to find that I have already figured out most of the story on my own!

My most recent endeavor has been The Four Agreements. The gist of the book is that humans are not afraid of death, they are afraid of life. They spend all their time thinking instead of doing - see it is sounding familiar isn't it?

One of the main reasons we are not living our lives is that we are worried about what others think of us. We spend all our time pleasing others. I recently fell into this trap. My views of my blog decreased substantially and I started to question if I should continue to publish my journaling. I did get some reassurance that I should continue writing, but to be honest it did not make me feel any better. I didn't know why it didn't make me feel better. Doesn't praise always make people feel better? Apparently not!

As I continued into the book and reached the 4th agreement I once again found myself on the pages of the book. The 4th agreement is about always doing your best. Sounds simple doesn't it? Try your hardest and you will be happy. Unfortunately it is not that simple. According to the 4 Agreements you can never do your best if you don't forgive.

Like a wound, every time someone touches your wound it hurts. The person who touches your wound may not be the person who caused it, but they receive all your anger because they touched your sore spot. Forgiveness is not complete until you have no emotional reaction to the person who caused the wound.

Interesting! Something I can now strive to achieve. Something tangible, concrete, and clearly defined. I have to believe that one day I will achieve this goal. Until that day I will continue to write.

Peace

You Haven't Got A Friend in Me

On my journey I have wandered aimlessly through the woods. Found myself disoriented in a mire. Passed through several clearings and partially scaled a cliff wall. Somewhere unbeknownst to me I crossed a bridge.

I am now learning that this bridge was not a normal bridge. Apparently once you cross this bridge you can never go back! I'm not sure when I crossed the bridge. There were no warning signs posted, no alerts, bells or whistles. The only reason I am even aware of the bridge is because I tried to go back.

A few times I have written about friends. Old friends, new friends, my friends, his friends, our friends and friends of friends. As I change and grow happier with each day I meet new friends. You would think that I would have oodles of friends, but strangely enough my 'circle of friends' is shrinking.

Why am I losing friends? My conclusion, we no longer have anything in common. These are very nice people who are great individuals but for various reasons we have grown apart. Some of these friends are "insert relation here" to my ex-husband. Others are just too negative for me to be around. And some I am sorely finding are trying to sabotage my progress. Many "old friends" struggle with what to say to me because they see me as a victim. But I am not a victim, I am a survivor!

My divorce has changed me. There is no way of denying this. I tend to be more sensitive to disrespectful "just kidding" sarcastic comments. I have a low to zero tolerance for comedies that demean women and promote adultery. I also try to steer clear of negativity, gossip and continuous "bitchers".

These changes are starting a chain reaction of something wonderful! Many people are beginning to see how happy I really am. Those who have known me "forever" are starting to see the "old, independent, confident me" that they once knew. I am singing more, laughing more and smiling more.

I know I should not be upset that I am losing friends who are not supportive of my journey, yet being who I am I still mourn their loss. Things will never be the same for me but I cannot go back to who I was before. To quote Dr. Seuss ~ "Today you are YOU. That is TRUER than true. There is NO ONE alive who is YOUER than YOU!" And I am finally becoming the person I always wanted to be - or perhaps I was always there, just scared to show my face.

Peace