What Is and What Should Never Be

When I made the decision to live life - rather than sit on the sidelines - I knew that it was not going to be easy. It's difficult to give your all in a physical activity and never get hurt. If you really want to fully participate in the game you must commit to giving 100% or you might as well go back to the sidelines. Life is the same way, only the injuries are emotional.

The definition of grief is deep sorrow caused by a loss. I find myself grieving again. Fortunately I have learned how important this activity is for me and I am allowing myself the time to grieve, heal and forgive.

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know" ~ Pema Chadron

I think that this quote can also pertain to people. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Many people enter our lives on a daily basis, but the ones who stay are there until we have learned what we need to know, then they move on. I also believe that I choose who gets to stay in my life, although I know that I can't keep anyone who doesn't wish to be there.

When I make a choice to allow someone to stay in my life I do not do so lightly. There is often a good reason for the decision - I still work diligently to keep negativity out of my life. The main reason I choose to let someone stay is that I have learned that happiness does not come from getting what I want; happiness comes from recognizing what I have.

What I have right now makes me happy. Do I want more? Yes. Do I need more? No! So why the grieving? Well if I have learned anything from the breakdown of my marriage it is to take the time to accept the fact that things are not as I had hoped. To grieve the loss, to heal my ego and to forgive myself and move on. In the end I will only be a better person.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" ~ Dr. Seuss

Peace

I Want You

The down side to writing a blog is when you tell people you write a blog they want to read it. That in itself is not a problem; the problem lies in my fear that I might upset someone. I am not sure why I would upset someone because I generally write only about how things affect ME or how I am dealing with things - but I still worry.

I have recently been asked, through various channels, to write blogs on specific topics. I am not sure if this is something I am capable of doing. I usually write about what is going on in my life and the lessons I have learned or need to learn. I do not claim that any of my activities will work for others - they are specific to me. In addition, the majority of the blogging requests have been for me to write about my dating experiences. Problem is - I'm not dating.

So, reading TOO MUCH into things - as I tend to do - I decided to Google the definition of dating. The most common definition is ~ "Dating is essentially getting to know someone over an extended period of time". Well now, that sounds a lot like friendship to me - so to clarify for the purpose of this blog - in MY WORLD "dating" is the same as the definition above WITH the prospect or potential of sex. Friendship on the other hand means NO SEX EVER! (Yes I am aware of the onslaught of messages I am about to receive - bring it).

When I made the decision to stop online dating and go out into the world and make 'real' friends you know what happened? I quickly made many friends - male and female. This has been nice for many reasons. At this stage in my journey friendship is a great starting point. Even though I do believe I am ready to date, I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship - but I am also a person who endorses commitment - so I am in a bit of a tough spot.

I am fully aware that my issue is in part due to my analyzing trait. I have a problem "dating" multiple people at the same time. I understand the concept of dating multiple people, but I still have a hard time having the 'intention' of a physical relationship with multiple people.

So, once again I will be relying on the advice and direction of my friends to help me face my fears. How will I do this? Well, first I am going to stop worrying about the 'physical' aspects until the need should arise (no pun intended). With the physical intentions out of the way I am hoping I can start "getting to know" multiple people. 

Perhaps I need a "Dating for Dummies" book or a "Socializing with the Male Gender" class. My friends tell me that I will know when things are right and to stop ANALYZING! You know what? I know JACK! If I knew anything do you really think I would be writing about this? Well, yes that was the fear talking - but I am learning - which is all I can hope for. I know I will somehow manage to "muddle" my way through this new territory. I also know that I will attract someone who is willing to be patient with me and be understanding of my issues. Those that I meet who are not as understanding will not be worth keeping in my life. I CHOOSE!

Peace

I Am the Doctor

It is very doubtful that many of my readers are Doctor Who fans. I am a bit of a Doctor Who fanatic! Throughout the last 7 seasons the Doctor has had different travelling companions. Although the Doctor's companions have changed throughout the years one thing remains constant - the Doctor should never travel alone!

When the Doctor travels without a companion he starts to lose his compassion, charm, hope, positive attitude and overall trust in mankind. I sometimes feel like the Doctor. When I don't have a travelling companion (a friend) to share my stress, frustrations and fears with, I have a tendency to overreact, internalize things, accept blame for things I had nothing to do with and  I doubt myself. The end result, I start to push people away. Not surprisingly I push away the people that I actually WANT in my life - my travelling companions - or friends.

My closest friends try to reach out to me and 'ground' me when they notice that I have a lot of 'crap' going on in my life. My old friends eventually hear about my issues and remind me to call the next time I need anything. So why don't I just reach out to anyone when I know I am having issues? I am not really sure.

Part of the reason I don't reach out is that I don't want to be a bother. Another reason is a lot of the time I don't know what is wrong - I am just miserable. But perhaps the biggest reason I don't reach out is that I don't trust myself. When I go long periods of time without confiding in a friend I begin to doubt EVERYTHING. I doubt my abilities, I doubt my interpretation of things, I doubt my self worth. It's like I am lost in time and space. Since I no longer TRUST myself, I start to listen to and believe what others tell me - and this never ends well for me.

Is all this pain, suffering and confusion self inflicted? Yes. I choose how I let things affect me - and when I travel alone I often chose poorly. Since I cannot always travel with a companion it is my responsibility to learn to make better choices. It is a tough road ahead, but it is a journey that I must make alone.

Peace

Carpe Diem

"If we wait until we are ready, we will be waiting for the rest of our lives" ~ Lemmony Snickets

I have stopped "waiting until" and started "acting now". I have started to realize that "waiting until" is just an excuse for me to avoid my fears.

I have a huge list of "waiting untils". When I stop and look at my list each item that is "waiting" is not being actioned because a part of me is afraid of the outcome when I action the item. Mostly I am afraid of rejection, being hurt - as there is only so much rejection a person can take on any given day - but some of the items I am afraid to action because if I succeed that will mean more CHANGES.

So what have I done about this? Well, slowly - one by one - I have started to "action" the items on my list. Rather than "wait until" I have jumped right in and "tried". Some items have met with disastrous outcomes and some have been great. Really, regardless of the end result, each time I stopped "waiting until" and "tried" I have been successful because I have had the opportunity to learn and grow.

I always learn so much from my mistakes but now I am starting to learn from my successes as well. With the new year around the corner I take stock of all the things I have accomplished this year. I recently found a list of "action" items I wanted to accomplish. This list was similar to a bucket list but on a simpler and more manageable level. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that throughout the past year I have accomplished everything on my list - without ever having looked at it!

So as the year comes to a close I will comprise another list of things that I would like to accomplish over the coming year. I will work on taking "action" instead of "waiting until" and I will try to focus on the now while doing all of this.

I believe I have traveled far enough on my journey to handle the outcome of events. There will be some failures and there will be some successes, but regardless of the outcome I will take pride in each and everything I TRY. 

Peace

Snow

I always seem to make myself laugh when I liken myself to movie characters. I don't equate myself to Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston but more along the lines of the Grinch or Grumpy from Snow White. Right now the character I relate the most to is Stitch from Disney's Lilo & Stitch!

Stitch, AKA experiment 626 is created for the sole purpose of mass destruction. He is 99% bad! He is not happy unless there is mayhem and chaos! He is an abomination! Now, I am not relating to this part of Stitch (although I have been told by many that I am a very scary person) but I can relate to Stitch when he meets Lilo. After meeting Lilo, Stitch learns to love and all he really wants is to belong - basically to be part of an Ohana (a family).

I think I can relate to Stitch so much because he really does try to change and fit in with the people of Hawaii, but as he tries to change himself he only makes things worse. Lately I too have been trying to change myself to "fit in" and as a result I have only made things worse. I have been listening to the random opinion of others rather than my inner voice. Like Stitch, I just want to "belong" and be "accepted" and although I thought I did everything I was "supposed to" I only ended up making things worse. Like Stitch I was left feeling LOST AND ALONE!

It took me some time, but I did find my way. I know who I am! I am not perfect, but I am a fabulous person in so many ways. Those who don't want to take the time to get to know me or understand me honestly don't deserve a place in my life - not even a "bit part"!

The thing I am realizing is that life is too short to worry about "how" other people may or may not see me. What matters is how I treat others and how I treat myself.

I can only change so much of myself. There are core pieces of myself that cannot ever be changed. These are the traits that make me who I am. These are the qualities that make me the unique, lovable, enjoyable to be around and insane all rolled into one cute package! If I change my "core" traits I am not longer me!

I can't change who I am. I am what I am. You either want to spend time with me or you don't. I am choosing not to spend any more time or energy trying to be accepted by those who cannot accept me the way I am.

Peace

Epic

If I could change just one thing about myself it wouldn't be my looks or my body type. I would choose to stop thinking. I have a mind that ANALYZES all the time. This trait allows me to do my job very well; however, this trait is not so helpful in my personal life.

A large portion of my job requires me to plan for "every possible" outcome and there must be a "solution" in place for each and every issue that may or may not happen. When you are trying to live your life in the "now" and enjoy the moment analysis is not a welcome friend. I really try not to read into things - but it is so hard to shut my brain off!

I know I have come so very far in my travels. Not so long ago when my brain would "run-off" on its own it was usually playing a negative tape - over and over again about how I was not good enough. Thankfully that tape has been destroyed but my brain still keeps on working. When I am 'unconsciously' analyzing things I am working out all the possible outcomes - both positive and negative. Oddly enough it is still the positive outcomes I fear the most.

Again, what is with me and the 'positive/ good' stuff? My fear in this case is what if the outcome is only 'perceived'? What if - because I over analyze things - I have interpreted the situation to be something it is not. What if I am reading into things or for lack of a better word - I am delusional?

I haven't cried in several months - except for tears of joy. I never did have my "planned" cry, so perhaps the tears I shed now are somehow related. All I know is that no matter how hard I try to not analyze things I can't stop.

I wish I could learn how to not 'read into' things. I wish someone could show me 'how' to turn off my brain. I wish I could find a safe, quiet place to hide from myself. I used to admire my ability to analyze, but now I see clearly all the problems it has caused me throughout my life.

I know that I have the ability to change, but there are limits to what each person is capable of changing. I am not certain that anyone can change their core genetic makeup - and I believe that "analyzing" is part of my genetic makeup!

So where does that leave me? I have gone full circle and accomplished nothing! NOT TRUE!!! When I started writing I felt horrible for my "analyzing" trait and now I have come to realized that I am what I am. A tiger cannot change its stripes - nor should he. So why should I?

No one can make you feel bad. You allow people to make you feel bad. Just because the opinion "out there" is that I analyze too much doesn't mean that I am "flawed" - it is just an opinion - nothing more.

Peace

Crying Over You

Crying. Not everyone cries. Me, I am a cryer. When my emotions run too high I find that a good cry always helps. If I don't have a "planned cry" when my emotions are reaching the critical point I find the tears just start flowing and usually at a most inappropriate time.

For me crying is a way to release the 'overload' of emotions - whether the emotions are sadness, happiness, fear or frustration the end result is the same - tears. I am more prone to crying when I am tired - either physically or emotionally.

Unfortunately lack of sleep goes hand in hand for me and emotional overload! When my emotions are running "high" I tend to have insomnia as well. Again my emotions are not always bad - sometimes I am like a kid before Christmas mornings - I am SO EXCITED about something that I can't sleep!

As I write this at 3:25 on a Thursday night (or more appropriately Friday morning) I start to question my ability to hold my "MIDDLE" ground My goal was to stay in drive - not fast forward and not parked - but drive. With my return to writing have I unintentionally shifted into high gear? Am I setting myself up to crash and burn?

I am quickly learning that there is a fine line between being passionate about something and being obsessed. Where do you draw the line? This is my challenge - since I KNOW I already have a tendency to be an "all" or "nothing" type of person - "half-assed" doesn't work for me. I tend to give everything my best shot and my all and if it doesn't work out only then will I move on.

But here's my issue. What happens when it works out? No one can be expected to continue FOREVER at 100%! You are only asking for bouts of insomnia and irrational behaviour. Minor "snags" will then become major catastrophes. Bumps in the road will become insurmountable road blocks.

So how does one slow things down enough to keep the momentum going and not stall out or get a speeding ticket? Perhaps I need to invent cruise control for emotions - oh, wait they have them - won't do that again! Okay - I need to learn to do this WITHOUT medication! This is something that I am still muddling my way through. It may entail some sleepless nights. It may result in me 'crashing and burning'. Or I may actually succeed at keeping my emotions at a nice leisurely pace. Whatever the outcome I KNOW I will be fine. The difference now for me is that I KNOW what is going on with me. I UNDERSTAND why this is happenings. And I am CERTAIN I will be stronger in the end regardless of what happens in between now and then.

I know that I am not alone in the land of insomnia. Thanks to Facebook I see several family and friends suffer from this as well. So when I have my "planned" cry I will ensure that I shed some tear for you all as well! Happy tears - not sad tears - or perhaps tears of frustration!

Peace