You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover

A book. All of this because of a book. I haven't even started reading the book and it brings tears to my eyes. I don't remember the last time I cried but this book...

I'm not a fan girl, although I love to read and "get into" the characters of a good book. I don't get angry if someone dies, lose sleep over plot twists or spam the author for the next book. If the book is well written I do tend to get wrapped up in the story and I enjoy the break from reality.

So why is a 172 page book I haven't even 'cracked open' making me cry? You know the saying "It's the thought that counts"? Well, it really is the thought that counts! I can't even begin to articulate what this book means to me. It's not the book, the content or even the fact that it was a gift. It's something so much more.

How did this all come about? I was having a casual conversation with the "right person" and suddenly I was holding a book. On the first page was written "The sky is the limit", something so simple. To anyone it seems like no big deal. The thing is no one, not even the person who gave me the book, understands how meaningful this is to me.

This book symbolizes acceptance. Plain and simple - I am good enough. All my life I have heard various versions of 'that's a great idea but...', 'You can't because...', 'You are talented; however,...;', 'You just don't fit into our...' I never seem to meet the cookie cutter stereotypes and in the end I am just not suitable for [fill in the blank].

For the first time ever not only am I appreciated, listened to and acknowledged but I have been accepted for who I am. I am not being told that I could be great if I change - I am being told that I am great the way I am! I finally have someone who believes in me. Someone who sees my potential and does not want to use me rather wants to mentor me and show me how to showcase my abilities.

Years of being put down, brushed off, and not taken seriously have played on my already low self-esteem causing me to keep my thoughts to myself, pull away from others and all of this has resulted in a general lack of trust. Lately there have been many people posting "gratitude" statuses on Facebook. We as a society should be grateful more often. It should not be a "challenge", rather a daily activity. 

This is my "grateful" post. I will always be grateful for that person who took the time to truly hear what I was saying and instead of dismissing my dreams, telling me why my dreams were nonsense or giving me an excuse said "let me help you get there", handed me a book and inscribed the book for me. 

Peace

Land Ho!

A couple of years ago I went on a date with a man who gave me a very strange reason for not wanting to see me again. He said that I was not truly over all the "changes" from my divorce. He went on to explain that I would not be completely "over it" until I returned to my "old" behaviours. What I took from this was people never change.

I listened to what he said but deep down inside I did not really believe him. Some 2+ years later and I now understand what he meant; although I still do not really believe his view point in regards to people not being able to change.

Over the last year I have slowly but surely returned to my "OLD" self. The one who puts EVERYONE ELSE's needs first. The me who says "don't worry about it", when her needs are ignored. The one who "stops talking" when interrupted or cut off in conversation. The one who "hides along the side of the room" instead of mingling in the centre. The one who "takes the path of least resistance". All of these behaviours have resulted in a person who buries her anger and frustrations - all because she is busy trying to please everyone but herself.

Everyone reacts to change differently. Some hide behind bad behaviours and others hide behind good behaviours. Yes, I believe that everyone "hides" during any type of change (good or bad). No one likes change, even the

people who see the "good" in the change have to adapt to the change if only for a few seconds. I know I adapted positive behaviours during my change and now I want them back!

It was so much easier to adapt the positive behaviours during my change because I welcomed the distraction. Changing my behaviours gave me "Focus" and "Direction", a purpose. Now that my change is complete I find it more difficult to maintain those positive behaviours. It's EASIER to be the "OLD" me - after all I have been doing it for 41 years! I have only been the "New" me for 4 years and let's be honest - they were not the greatest 4 years of my life.

As I write this I notice one thing about me has been constant over the last 5 years - this is my HOPE. Regardless of whether I am the "old me" or the "new me" I am optimistic that people (myself included) have the ability to change their behaviours if they CHOOSE to do so.

This leads me to believe that optimism is one of my core traits. I may not see the positive in every situation, every day, all the time; but I do believe that people as a whole are generally good, try to do good and try to be good.

As for me? I have a difficult journey ahead. To change course and to steer towards a land where I put ME first. A land where I take care of ME before everyone else. A land where MY happiness comes before others. A land where I can be that confident, assertive, strong person I know I am deep down inside. Just like a friend reminded me years ago - when the plane is going down you have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can assist anyone else.

If I don't take care of myself first I will be useless to anyone else.

Peace 

B.Y.O.B.

Expectations, we all have them. Some are reasonable and some are not. Problems tend to happen when 'pre-determined' expectations are not met. If you order food at a restaurant and it's not hot, it is returned - the expectation is that the food will be served hot - to most, this is a reasonable expectation. Expectations regarding human behaviour fall into a gray area.

Recently I have been questioning how reasonable my expectations are when it comes to everything in my life. For example when dating someone who says they are dating other woman is it reasonable to have an expectation that the 'other women' does not include dating your friends at the same time? Or is that an unreasonable expectation as they are women and as such fall into the 'fair game' category.

Another example, when going out for dinner at a bar there is a general expectation that if they serve food they serve coffee - apparently not - but I digress. Is it an unreasonable expectation to consider a "great place" to be one where it's patrons (in their 50's to 60's) aren't stumbling around drunk, puking on tables, starting fights and smoking pot out back? Or are my expectations of a "great place" just too high for today's society?

I sit here wondering if I have unreasonable expectations. Am I too judgemental? Am I a snob? Or am I just involved in the 'wrong' activities with the 'wrong' people in the wrong 'locations' for me? Am I becoming less tolerant? Or has something changed?

Why should I even care? Because I am no longer enjoying my group activities. Is it because of the change of venue? The change of activity? Or is it my "high" expectations? Regardless of the reason I find myself becoming more despondent with every passing week.

I strongly believe that I should enjoy what I am doing in my free time and if I am not enjoying these activities I should just not do them. I also get that everyone is entitled to their opinions, myself included, as well as their own 'expectations'. I guess what is bothering me is for some reason I have been made to feel as if my expectations are too high when I really believe that I am not be unreasonable at all.

So is my current frustration caused by my lack of ability to 'compromise' my expectations? And if so does that not inherently make my expectations too high? Am I really so 'out of touch' with reality that I am blind to the true nature of people? Do I expect too much?

I don't really have an answer. I guess right now all I can do is stop trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Perhaps I need to lay low for a while.

Peace

Wastelands

An interesting thing happened to me the other day when I was purchasing an album on iTunes, no that's not the interesting part. The interesting part was that before iTunes would allow me to purchase the album I had to read and acknowledge that I read a warning message. The warning message was that this album was 'different' than the last few albums the band had released. I should hope this album is different - why would I buy a rehash of the last few albums?

Really? Does society as a whole complain so much that now artists no longer have creative licence? First you "warn me" that my coffee is hot. Then you "notify me" that Barbie does not actually talk. Now you "alert me" that my favourite band's new album is not like their last ones. Are people that stupid? Is it greed? Or is it just everyone is trying to meet unrealistic expectations?

Perhaps it's my age. I remember when if you liked a band you bought their album. There was no way to 'pre-screen' their songs unless they were played on the radio. If you liked a song but weren't too sure about spending money on the entire album you couldn't download just one song. No, you had to sit by the radio with your tape recorder and 'hope to hell' that the DJ did not talk at the beginning or the end of the song. If you had great finger reflexes and you were very lucky you would get your favourite song recorded without any talking or other songs.

Although I accepted the iTunes message and bought the album anyway - which turned out to be a pre-order - I still could not help wonder what had prompted the message. Had there been an 'influx' of people trying to return iTunes album purchases? How exactly does one return an iTunes album? Are all sales final? Do people really dislike change so much that they want a band to sound the SAME all the time? I actually prefer bands who change their music - I don't consider it to be a "Sell Out" I consider it to be "good business".

What ever the reason iTunes posted this message the fact still remains - as long as I like a band I will continue to buy their albums to support them - regardless of the fact that the music business is being controlled by the Illuminati - but that my friends is another story...

"In the wastelands of today, when there's nothing left to lose and there's nothing more to take but you force yourself to choose" ~ Linkin Park

TURN DOWN THAT INFERNAL RACKET! Kids and that damn rock and roll music!

Somebody That I Used to Know

Wow! It's been 3 months since I have written anything. Today I had an overwhelming urge to get something down on paper. My "trigger" - nostalgia.

My kids found my grade 9 year book. With the high school "closing" there has been many "remember when" events going on around town and I guess curiosity got the better of them. Leafing through the pages the kids recognized many of the parents of their friend - people I never knew in high school. This activity started my reminiscing.

You see, today would have been my 18 year wedding anniversary. Oddly enough just 2 days ago some co-workers were reminding me how much fun my wedding had been and how their husbands had to 'drag' them home that night. The conversation was full of laughter; however, it ended rather abruptly when one person said "what a mistake that was eh?" and another quickly defended me and said "well we all make mistakes".

I think it was these comments that floated around in my head, mixed with the flash backs to 1984, that spurred my urge to write. Thing is, I don't see my marriage as a mistake. I do not regret anything. I have been fortunate enough to have had love in my life - yes I still believe that there was a time when we both really did love each other. I have more good memories than bad memories and 2 wonderful (most of the time) children. Also, had I never gotten married I would not be the person I am today. Sure I would still be great, but I would not be FANTASTIC!

All kidding aside, I have to say that I am glad that my ex-husband is not just 'somebody that I used to know'. I am thankful that he is still a part of my life, albeit a smaller part, but a part nonetheless. I know that I will always love him on some level, regardless of whether he feels the same, and this thought brings me peace and happiness.

My marriage was not a mistake, it was a choice. My choice lead me down a path. That path had joy and sadness, excitement and heartbreak, sunshine and rain but most of the time I walked around in a fog. If it were not for my marriage and my ex-husband I am not sure that I ever would have realized that I was missing so much in my life - living in a fog. The end of my marriage forced me to put myself first - something I had never done before. It caused me to stand up for myself and stop living my life for "others". It allowed me to open my eyes and take a good hard look at who I was and who I wanted to be - my marriage allowed me to grow and become who I am now.

In my books, being an independent, strong, healthy person is not a mistake, it is a happy ending.

Peace

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

"The world is a vampire, send to drain"

Recently Child #2 had to perform a video rant for school. My first reaction was dread. Is there not enough negativity in the world? Do we really need to teach our children how to 'rant' about things in life they are not happy about? I don't know about you but as far as I am concerned I already have more than enough drama in my life - why introduce more? After watching the Child's rant video, which was about our very long cold snowy winter, I thought a rant might be just what I need. 

As you know I started to look at my own behaviours around 'dating' to ensure that I was not totally 'out to lunch' and looking for a 'unicorn'. As you are all aware I seem to find men who are so afraid of commitment that they often can't even schedule a time and place to see me in person! Having returned to the world of electronic communications I seem to 'attract' only people who wish to text or sext. When I clearly state that I want to get to know them - they say 'I thought that's what we were doing'. So I started saying that I want to get to know them in person - which they take as an invitation for casual sex.

Was I not speaking English? How could my straightforward words be so misunderstood? So, you all know I started researching. While researching I found several newspaper and magazine articles regarding the problems with dating in the new millennium. One book kept 'popping up' in several articles - Guyland by Michael Kimmel Phd - which states that rule #1 to dating today is 'you can express no fears, no doubts, no vulnerabilities'. These dating rules have created what is being call the Whoever cares less WINS dynamic.

Women are being 'taught' to remain emotionally removed from the men that they are dating (sounds like the information I too have received). This has created a environment of men and women who are on the fence about meeting and dating. Add the pitfalls of texting to the mix and you have, well my disastrous dating life. In a world of emojicons it is easier to xo without opening your arms, to :* without touching lips and to <3 without getting your heart broken.

Sure caring less brings a sense of security. By never making yourself vulnerable you never get hurt. I know I am EXHAUSTED from playing the "whoever cares less wins' game! The whole 'casual dating' thing is far more draining on my emotional faculties and my time than being in a relationship. I am not embarrassed to want to be in a relationship!

As I have said many times - it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to NOT get emotionally involved. It would appear that my 'dating' issues are that I am ahead of my time or too old fashioned. Either way, I shall continue to be true to myself. I am done playing the 'whoever cares less' game and if you want a 'date-ish' with me you can take your >:) <3 :* xo emojicons and shove them up your a$$!

"Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage" ~ The Smashing Pumpkins

Peace

Butcher's Hook

I am conflicted. I am not even sure where to begin. I know I am not perfect, ideal or the greatest thing since sliced bread. I know I am not a romantic but I am a dreamer. I consider myself to be a realist and practical - although I am also aware that I can at times be naive or have my head in the clouds.

I received a great deal of feedback from one of my recent posts stating that it is me who has an issue, not the men I meet. Perhaps this is true; however specific to my post, these were some funny situations that happened to me. Most likely these men were not "into me" and rather than saying so said/ did some ridiculous things to ensure that I did not 'return' for more. I too am guilty of doing some 'dumb ass' things on dates when I was panicked by certain situations. I am not proud of my behaviours and I have learned from them.

My conflict does not come from the feedback from my post. It comes from what "I am seeking" v.s. what I am being told/ seeing is reality. I want a relationship! I want to spend time with a man, getting to know him and he me. I want this to be 'exclusive' once things become physical. I have no desire to spend all my time with this person. I have no desire to move in or marry this person in a matter of months. I just want to have fun getting to know someone. This is what is bothering me - EVERYONE, including the men I meet, is telling me that I am being UNREALISTIC. Really? I really don't think that I am asking for too much.

I understand that this statement represents too big of a commitment for most. This is why men 'run' in the other direction. It is assumed that I am lonely, that I will suck the life out of them and leave them with no freedom, not variety, no multiple partners - DEATH! Which is why I don't go around 'advertising' this is what I am seeking; however recently I have come to the realization that I need to be true to myself - and stop wasting my time with men who simply want to 'hook up' or 'play the field' while having a 'relationship' with me.

In the past I have met a few men who were far more into commitment than I was - so I know they exist - thing is, these men scared me and I RAN away. Several times I have 'frozen' in my tracks because I was not certain of my feelings for men and I did not want to 'mislead' or 'hurt' anyone by not being able to 'deliver'. Sometimes when I examine my behaviours I wonder if it is me who is afraid of commitment.

Perhaps it is not so much that I am afraid of commitment as it is I am afraid of committing to the wrong person. 

Peace

"Go ahead and disagree. I'm giving up again." ~ Slipknot