There are people that investigate accidents and their job is to reconstruct how the accident happened. For the life of me I can't figure out where I went off the tracks. Now as I sit here in the smoldering wreck I come to the conclusion that I am sick of feeling. I just want to not feel anything any more. In addition I want to stop thinking. My brain is far more dangerous than any nuclear weapon. I AM my own worst enemy.
As I mentioned I have no idea how I got here - and I am not so sure it really matters. What I need to do is get out of here - fast! I can't change the past, I can only change the present. I can't change others, I can only change myself. These are mantras I keep telling myself on a regular basis.
What happens when you are so tired of reminding yourself of these things? What happens when all hope is gone? I deserve better. I am a wonderful person. I have family and friends who love me. If I am/have all these things why am I sitting here crying? Why have I been immobilized for the last 2 days? Why do I feel alone in a room full of people? Why can't I make the pain go away? Why can't I stop analyzing things? Why can't I just be happy with all the love I have?
Like it or not my ex-husband was my best friend for 24 years. He was always there for me when I needed him, and he is still there for me today, but I try really hard not to need him. He has asked me several times if we could remain friends. I have always said "no"". I am very black & white regarding this. It's all or nothing for me, I don't deal well with ambiguity. Perhaps at some point when I have healed it could be an option, but not now, because I am the one who will end up being hurt. I have to protect me.
Friends have told me on several occasions that it is not "him" that I miss it is something he represents. They are probably right. I miss having someone in my life 24/7. I miss having a person that I can talk to about anything at anytime. I miss knowing that no matter what happens someone is there for me. I miss having someone to give me a hug when I have a bad day. I miss having a partner to share my life with.
I now understand why people stay in unhappy relationships. They may not know 'why' they stay, but I suspect this may be one of the underlying reasons. Is there anything I can do? Absolutely not. Like it or not I am divorced. I have to learn to accept that there is a good probability that I will spend the rest of my life single. Perhaps it is this realization and attempt at acceptance that has derailed my train.
I am certain this is all a part of my journey, but since I cannot see my destination right now I may need to pull off the road for a bit. I am too tired to continue travelling.
Peace
Do you have multiple personalities? I don't mean a disorder - I mean do you have different versions of "you" depending on where you are or who you are with? I'm not referring to the subtle 'best behaviour' changes, I mean a completely different person.
Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a princess named Fiona. Yes - like Shrek - I was 2 different people. There was my 'at work' self and my 'at home' self. My 'at work' self was not an ogre - although my co-workers may disagree - but my 'at work' self was and still is very close to the 'real' me. My 'at home' self is someone I would like to forget.
At home I 'learned' to like things, I 'learned' to not talk about things and I 'learned' to not even suggest things. Have you ever recommended something to someone only to have them dismiss your suggestion. Then about a month later they tell you all about this great new thing they heard about from a friend. Mean while its the same thing you mentioned a month ago? Welcome to my home life.
It would appear that I still have not resolved my issues addressed in yesterday's post. Why was I so willing to give up my friends, my likes and myself for my marriage? Perhaps the more important question is why do I feel that the 'real' me is not good enough? Why do I feel the need to change myself? Is it to please others? Is it to get others to like me? Is it to avoid conflict and confrontation? I am sure that it is some combination of all of these.
What I do know is that the reason 'why' is not as important as 'recognizing' that I am doing this. If I am aware of the behaviour and I see it happening I have the ability to change it. It won't be easy, but is anything?
There came a time in my life where I could not continue being 2 different people. My 2 worlds collided. My 'work self' came home and my 'home self' went to work. It caused issues at work and home. It was also a precurser in the breakdown of my marriage...thankfully my job faired better.
At the end of the day it was something that had to happen. It made no sense to me at the time, but now looking in my rearview mirror it is crystal clear. Do you know what is worse than being alone? Being lonely in a relationship.
Peace
The other day a 'friend' approached me and asked me if I was enjoying all the 'male bashing' I was doing on my blogs. Before I could even formulate a response this person was gone and I have not had any contact with them since this episode.
More puzzling than the comment was my reaction to the comment. My first response was guilt. I immediately felt guilty about everything I had posted. Was I 'male bashing'? Was I too negative? Was I offending people? Should I stop writing?
My second response was confusion. As I reviewed my posts I did not see any obvious 'male bashing'. I did not see tons of negativity and I definitely did not see any direct or indirect finger pointing at 'specific' people with the exception of my immediate family.
Then came the anger. Surprisingly the anger was not at my 'friend' but it was at myself. WHY did I even consider stopping something that I enjoy so much just because 1 person said something negative? WHY did I question something I know I am good at and take pride in doing? WHY was I blaming myself for something someone else was feeling? Boy this whole thing is starting to sound all too familiar to me!
For whatever reason this 'friend' took offense to something I posted. Perhaps something I said hit too close to home for this person or perhaps they are afraid to deal with their own emotions - who knows - and it is really none of my concern. In my recent training my instructor used a quote to explain how slowly corporations adapt to change ~ "You can't teach a pig to sing. It only frustrates you and it pisses off the pig".
I interpret this to mean - you can't change others, you can only change yourself. So I continue to do what I enjoy and am good at - writing these blogs. This 'friend' may continue to be angry with me for my posts but they may also learn to accept me for who I am.
As I continue to change I believe that those around me will begin to notice a change in me and my happiness. Some may even ask "how" I have become so happy. It is at this time that I will be more than willing to share - and perhaps, just maybe - I will be able to teach a pig how to sing.
Peace
Managing expectations. It's never an easy thing to do, but it's even harder when it's your own expectations that you need to manage. It's like the child that asks for a pony from Santa for Christmas. We all know that Santa is not bringing a pony and we try to explain this to the child so they won't be disappointed Christmas morning. Apart from the impossible requests we all know too well that if a child asks Santa for only one gift - if they do not receive that gift even if they get 100 gifts - the response will most likely be 'is that all there is?'
How does one go about managing one's own expectations? A few days ago I logged into my online dating account and updated my profile. I set up my profile almost a year ago when I had no business dating. As I reviewed my profile some things started to make sense. For example I was always shocked that my 'matches' were mirror images of my ex-husband. As I read my profile a light bulb went off. I was attracting men like my ex because I was looking for values he possessed, not values I wanted in a partner.
So long story longer, I updated my profile to reflect what I like, what I want, and what I value. Low and behold yesterday someone sent me a communication. I was so excited - wow! A real man had sent me a message...but then the doubt started to creep in. Was he really interested in chatting with me or was he just 'fishing'?
'Fishing', I learned very quickly, is what a lot of men and some women do for fun. They send out "messages" to the masses and then they look at all the replies that they get and "pick" the ones that look like the "most" fun. It's a mean and heartless 'mind game' that is very destructive and hurtful but nevertheless it is a real fact of online dating.
So here I sit wondering if I should take the risk of replying to this man. I ponder the word 'should'. It is such a harsh word, so I rephrase the sentance. I could take the risk or I could do nothing. If I don't take the risk will I be living my future or remaining in the past? So I chose to welcome love into my heart and into my life - I replied "I would love to chat with you".
Peace
Last night I read in my Entertainment Weekly magazine that Jesse James and Kat Von D had split. This gave me a good chuckle. When the whole Sandra Bullock/Jesse James story broke I really felt bad for Sandra - her ex was continuously hurting and disrespecting her long after their split by "flaunting" his newly found love and happiness in her face. Sandra always took the high road and remained silent - and now who has the last laugh?
Why is it that society as a whole is always looking for instant gratification? It seems that no one wants to work on things/wait for things any more. The end result? I think it's that no one values things anymore. I know, we are all guilty of it on some level, but so many people are ONLY attracted to the thrill of the ride. Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with riding the roller coaster - but sometimes you need to get off the ride and see all the other things going on at the amusement park.
Are those people who are constantly looking for instant gratification the same people who are always looking for happiness? It makes me wonder. A quote comes to mind ~ "Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and set softly on your shoulder." ~Thoreau.
Now, for those of you who have been paying attention to my posts, I don't necessarily agree with all of the quote. I believe that many of us truly are happy but we just don't know it because we have never defined "what" happiness means to us at this point in our lives.
As we change and grow as individuals our ideals of happiness will change, so you may need to update or modify your happiness list over time, but you may be surprised. If you have listed your "core" values - as opposed to features - your list will seldom changes. I know that making a list is not an easy exercise - it takes some deep introspection to find the core values and it can be quite scary - but I think it is a worthwhile exercise that everyone should try at least once.
Peace
I think it's time for another 'thank you' message. I would like to thank all of my readers for their words of kindness, support and encouragement. The reason I started these posts was to grieve, heal and forgive. I believe that I have now reached the forgiving stage of my journey.
By forgiveness I don't mean that I accept my ex-husband's indiscretions - I simply mean I am moving on. I think my inability to write for the last 2 days is because I am in the beginning stages of leaving the past and moving forward into my future. I have had nothing to write about because I have moved past the hurt, anger and fear.
What does all of this mean? Well I will liken it to picking at a scab. I believe that sometimes in order to learn from your mistakes you must pick at a scab to create a scar. The scar will always remain a part of you and a reminder, but a scar only forms after the wound has healed.
My wound is starting to heal. I have already picked at it enough to leave a scar. I have reached the point where if I keep picking at it my wound will never heal. I want to heal - so I am choosing to stop picking and let things be.
I am not going to stop writing because I believe everything is cyclical. Although I am quiet excited to start this part of my journey I know my path will once again loop back into the woods, but I am confident that my regressions will become shorter as I continue to move forward into the sunlight.
I may not write about my personal journey but instead try writing about my daily observations on life - or I may only write when I feel the need - I don't want to plan too much, I just want to live!
I really enjoy writing and I am glad that I "stepped out of my comfort zone" and gave this a try. Once again, thank you for everything and stay tuned...
Peace
Wow, it's official. I have writer's block. I have started 2 different notes but neither has inspired me to continue writing more than a few sentences. This is the hardest time I have had writing one of these things.
Perhaps the pressure of having an audience is now getting to me. Before I never had anyway of knowing if anyone was reading my posts. Now I know how many viewers I have (by hour), the country the viewer is from and even the browser they are using. I am now feeling pressure to perform and fear of failure is sinking in.
Writing about one's inner most thoughts and feelings is not easy. Many people have a hard time even expressing this kind of stuff to themselves - never mind sharing it with others. When I first speak to someone I know has been reading my blogs there is always an awkward silence. Neither of us knows what to say. For the most part I just try to be myself and move on.
Today I crossed paths with a very interesting woman. I don't know all of her story but what came out of our conversation was that she had always wanted to open a store but was afraid because everyone told her that it wouldn't work. After all but forgetting her dream - a store unit came up for rent 2 blocks from her house. She took this to be a sign and in March of this year she opened her store in this unit. She squashed all her fears and now she is happier than she has ever been in her life and does not regret anything.
This made me think about my fears. When I returned home from her store I pulled out my 'fear' list. When my ex-husband left one of my exercises was to make a list of my fears. At the time I had 12 fears. As I look at these fears now I laugh. When I wrote the list each item shook every fibre of my being and now a year later I laugh at them.
It's not that I have no fears - because I do. It's just that my fears were unfounded. They were fear of the unknown or based on misinformation. One of my silly fears was that I would not be able to support my kids. At the time this was a real fear for me, but now that I own my own house and car I see how silly this fear was.
Oddly enough this whole topic comes back to change. Like it or not everything changes. My fears today will be "silly" in a year from now so why should I let them get in the way of living my life?
Peace
