As I mentioned I have no idea how I got here - and I am not so sure it really matters. What I need to do is get out of here - fast! I can't change the past, I can only change the present. I can't change others, I can only change myself. These are mantras I keep telling myself on a regular basis.
What happens when you are so tired of reminding yourself of these things? What happens when all hope is gone? I deserve better. I am a wonderful person. I have family and friends who love me. If I am/have all these things why am I sitting here crying? Why have I been immobilized for the last 2 days? Why do I feel alone in a room full of people? Why can't I make the pain go away? Why can't I stop analyzing things? Why can't I just be happy with all the love I have?
Like it or not my ex-husband was my best friend for 24 years. He was always there for me when I needed him, and he is still there for me today, but I try really hard not to need him. He has asked me several times if we could remain friends. I have always said "no"". I am very black & white regarding this. It's all or nothing for me, I don't deal well with ambiguity. Perhaps at some point when I have healed it could be an option, but not now, because I am the one who will end up being hurt. I have to protect me.
Friends have told me on several occasions that it is not "him" that I miss it is something he represents. They are probably right. I miss having someone in my life 24/7. I miss having a person that I can talk to about anything at anytime. I miss knowing that no matter what happens someone is there for me. I miss having someone to give me a hug when I have a bad day. I miss having a partner to share my life with.
I now understand why people stay in unhappy relationships. They may not know 'why' they stay, but I suspect this may be one of the underlying reasons. Is there anything I can do? Absolutely not. Like it or not I am divorced. I have to learn to accept that there is a good probability that I will spend the rest of my life single. Perhaps it is this realization and attempt at acceptance that has derailed my train.
I am certain this is all a part of my journey, but since I cannot see my destination right now I may need to pull off the road for a bit. I am too tired to continue travelling.
Peace
It sounds to me like you are very depressed over this. I've been there and recognize the feelings. Although blogging is therapeutic for you, saying it all face-to-face with a trained counselor might be helpful. So sorry that you are having this tough time.
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