It's All About Me

Do you have multiple personalities? I don't mean a disorder - I mean do you have different versions of "you" depending on where you are or who you are with? I'm not referring to the subtle 'best behaviour' changes, I mean a completely different person.

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a princess named Fiona. Yes - like Shrek - I was 2 different people. There was my 'at work' self and my 'at home' self. My 'at work' self was not an ogre - although my co-workers may disagree - but my 'at work' self was and still is very close to the 'real' me. My 'at home' self is someone I would like to forget.

At home I 'learned' to like things, I 'learned' to not talk about things and I 'learned' to not even suggest things. Have you ever recommended something to someone only to have them dismiss your suggestion. Then about a month later they tell you all about this great new thing they heard about from a friend. Mean while its the same thing you mentioned a month ago? Welcome to my home life.

It would appear that I still have not resolved my issues addressed in yesterday's post. Why was I so willing to give up my friends, my likes and myself for my marriage? Perhaps the more important question is why do I feel that the 'real' me is not good enough? Why do I feel the need to change myself? Is it to please others? Is it to get others to like me? Is it to avoid conflict and confrontation? I am sure that it is some combination of all of these.

What I do know is that the reason 'why' is not as important as 'recognizing' that I am doing this. If I am aware of the behaviour and I see it happening I have the ability to change it. It won't be easy, but is anything?

There came a time in my life where I could not continue being 2 different people. My 2 worlds collided. My 'work self' came home and my 'home self' went to work. It caused issues at work and home. It was also a precurser in the breakdown of my marriage...thankfully my job faired better.

At the end of the day it was something that had to happen. It made no sense to me at the time, but now looking in my rearview mirror it is crystal clear. Do you know what is worse than being alone? Being lonely in a relationship.

Peace