The Happiness Project

I joined a group call The Happiness Project. The goal of this group is to implement small changes in our lives to make each of us happier. The concept, I later discovered, is based on a book of the same name by Gretchen Rubin.

So, you know me, my next step was to reserve the book from the library. Being 43rd on the waiting list, I figured our first group meeting would happen before I got the book, but I was wrong.

As soon as I picked up the book I started reading it skeptically. As you know, I don't always fair well with self help/inspirational books. I was surprised to learn that I had already implemented many of the concepts from the book in my daily life. Interesting!

In addition to the book I have participated in a couple of workshops this past week. Once again I was surprised to learn that I was happier than I thought I was! I also learned that many of my "coping skills" are actually true techniques to building self-esteem and a line of happiness.

Although I learned many things I did not know, it was really nice to see that I have traveled so much further than I believed I had. I am much stronger than I imagined I could ever be. And I am happier with my entire life than I would have guessed I was.

Do I still have work to do? Absolutely! Will it be easy? Of course not! I need to start setting goals in my life and start working to achieve these goals.

I'm going to keep my goals simple and continue to CHANGE my behaviour to reach my goals. This time I won't be afraid to be successful. Once I achieve my first goal, I will continue to the next one and each time I will reach a little further!

Peace

...Failure is All You've Known

My fear of success is an ongoing project for me. This is not something that I can change overnight. Somewhere along the line, maybe since I was a child, I developed this fear. Just because I have now become aware of my fear does not mean that it will just disappear.

Having said this - knowing you have problem is really half the battle. The first step is to identify the issue. Once it has been identified you now have a choice - to accept it or to analyze and work on it. If you chose to accept it, you must be prepared to deal with the risk associated with it. I believe the risk is too high and I am choosing to work on it.

Anxiety is the fear of the unknown. A common practice for those who suffer from anxiety is to make the unknown known. This can be done in many ways but I choose research. If you are nervous about going somewhere you have never been, most of us will Google our route, removing the 'unknown' element from the equation.

So I ponder "what" I can do to decrease my anxiety regarding success. I now see I have a problem. I have many personal projects that have never been completed. Simple things like hanging pictures to more complicated things. I get within a few inches of the finish line but for some reason I can never cross it.

Once again I go back to my resolution to "try". I try a lot of different things, but I never complete them. So perhaps my resolution needs to be to "complete" -  without sabotage.

In order to prevent self defeat, I am setting small attainable goals. When I achieve these goals I am going to allow myself to be proud of myself for meeting these goals rather than to 'brush it off'. Will I still be able to sabotage my efforts? Absolutely! But I resolve to "TRY" and aim for success.

Once I start to feel comfortable with my small successes - perhaps I will start a list - I will start working on 'larger' projects. I have no idea if this will help me on my way, but if I don't try I will never know. Besides, what's the worse that could happen? I could succeed!

Peace

You Build Up Hope But...

Fear of failure. This is something that many people dread. Many are immobilized and never 'try' for fear of failure. Not me. Failure is my friend, my companion and an expected outcome.

Me, I fear success. I have a hard time excepting the fact that I did something successfully. I am uncomfortable with receiving praise or even recognition for a job well done. Which I find perplexing because I am a perfectionist. Maybe that's why I am a perfectionist - because nothing will ever be perfect, ergo I will never be successful.

I now ponder my predicament. If I am afraid of being successful, am I also afraid of being happy? The two are often 'tied' together. While I understand that society has preconceived notions of what 'success' means, generally when one is happy they are also successful in their endeavors.

When I wrote about resolutions I am sure most people assumed that my resolve "to try" would be regardless of the outcome - good, bad or ugly - but I wasn't afraid of the bad and the ugly. Often the reason I don't try is because "what if it works out"? I seldom worry about the rejection.

So why do I fear success? I am not a therapist, but I believe that it has to do with self esteem, or my lack thereof. For whatever reason - to be determined - I feel that I don't deserve to be successful and/ or happy.

But this statement is also not true, as I do know deep down inside that I DO DESERVE to be successful and happy. I am a good person and work hard for everything I have achieved.

Perhaps my issue is that I don't know 'how' to be successful and happy. Perhaps I need to LEARN how to be comfortable with being successful. Maybe I need to accept the fact that being proud is not the same as bragging. I think I need to stop focusing so much on pleasing others and just "try". What is the worst thing that could happen? I could succeed...

Peace

The Long Way Home

Does taking the 'high road' always make you a better person? Or does it just make you a chump?

When I started my journey I was wandering aimlessly through a dark forest. Afraid of monsters behind every rock and tree. I felt nothing but pain, loss and fear.

Eventually I found myself in a mire. Everything was foggy. There was no pain or any emotion for that matter. I spent a long time in the mire, shut down, closed off from everything and everyone.

Then one day I found a path. The path lead out of the fog and into the sunlight. The path emerged at the base of a mountain. I started to climb the mountain without any climbing gear. Along the way I have fallen a few times, but I have always maintained a sense of direction.

I now find myself at a cross road - uncertain of the correct path to follow. It is in my nature to see the best in people and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now I find myself questioning this behaviour - especially since it is impacting me directly.

How many chances do you give someone? My friends and family all told me that this day would eventually come, but I told them that it wouldn't because I "believed" people could change. I "hoped" that others would see the "errors" of their way and appreciate things they had in their lives. So now I am here saying it out loud - I WAS WRONG. 

I now find that I need to stop "believing" that others will behave honourably. I need to start accepting that some people just don't care about anyone or anything but themselves. I need to understand that not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Having said this aloud I feel absolutely heartbroken. Another piece of my soul has been turned to lead. Have I become bitter or just a realist? Where is the line between asking to be treated respectfully and being a bitch? Am I so afraid of being seen as a bitch that I won't demand respect?

I have decided to heed the advice of friends and put my needs first. I know what is best for myself and my children. If I don't stand up for us who will?

Peace

The New Year Resolution

Once again I find myself physically and emotionally exhausted. Many people have asked me about my New Year's Resolutions. I don't like to break my promises, which is why I don't make New Year's Resolutions.

For fun I started to wonder what my New Year Resolution would be if I were to make one. So I started with looking up the definition of resolution. Resolution: firm determination; firmness of purpose; a course of action; a fixed purpose.

After reading the definition I realized that I have been resolute in grieving and forgiving over the last 2 years. I am not sure that I am capable of picking another 'fixed purpose' to work with on a daily basis over the next year given that my current focus, my journey to wellness and self awareness is so emotionally and physically exhaustive.

But if pushed I think I would like to resolve to 'try' in 2012. Fear still seems to be the biggest roadblock on my journey. I realize that "trying" is not a small feat, but I do think it will help me in more ways than one.

To quote Buddha ~ "There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth - not going all the way and not starting". So I resolve to start by "trying" and in turn will see things through all the way, good, bad or ugly.

Wishing everyone a safe and healthy 2012.

Peace

Pleasant Valley Sunday

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Charcoal burning everywhere

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Here in status symbol land 

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I have to say that I agree with this statement - the grass can be greener on the other side of the fence but the reason it is greener is because hard work and effort were put into it.


The lawn my ex-husband and I had was poorly cared for. There were burnt patches, weeds, grubs and even a few sink holes. It was often in need of mowing, weeding, fertilizer and general tender loving care.


I had learned to live with a poorly maintained lawn. I have never known how to take care of a garden - I tend to kill all living plant life. Now that I am on my own I am seeing the importance of tending to the lawn. If not regularly maintained the weeds grow quickly. Adding chemicals often results in burnt spots and in the end the lawn can look even worse. Sometimes even the best gardening efforts result in grubs and skunks if both parties are not prepared to share in the gardening.

Although my knowledge of gardening is minimal I have realized that my lawn is not going to take care of itself. I need to invest some time and energy into its maintenance if I want it to remain lush and green.


My ex-husband got tired of looking at the same old weathered and worn lawn. Rather than invest any time or energy into fixing it up he chose to move to greener pastures. Perhaps his new lawn will always remain green and weed free.


I am of the belief that nothing in life comes without some sort of emotional investment. So where does that leave me? With the realization that things are not just going to get better all by themselves. I have to invest some time and energy into making things better.

"We may have been thrown away but 

that does not mean we are garbage." ~ Toy Story

Peace

Baby You're A Firework!

I need to celebrate my accomplishments. I have been crying and down ever since I started climbing this f*@king cliff! I have a fear of heights - but I think it's time to stop and look down to see how far I have truly climbed.

Over the last year I have purchased my own home. Supported my children - both financially and emotionally through a family crisis. I got divorced. I went back to school and received my Associate Certificate in Business Analysis. I lost 60lbs - well that was over 2 years but I am damn proud of it!

I am learning to put me first. I am getting better at asking for help. I am learning to say 'no' - which I am sure is pissing some people off, but I am doing what is 'right' for me. I don't tolerate disrespect. I am learning what I need as opposed to what I want.

I am trying new things, meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends. I am visiting places I have always wanted to go. I am starting to live life rather than sitting on the sidelines watching it pass me by.

These things may seem trivial to anyone reading this, but to me these are major milestones. I have spent 24 years of my life 'de-selfing'. I changed/lost/refocused all of my own interested into those of my ex-husband's.

I have spent the last year learning who I am. Learning what I like, what I want, what I can do and most importantly to love me for who I am. Sometimes I have fallen off the path and gone back to the 'old ways' because they are are familiar, safe and comfortable, but every time I slip I learn what caused me to falter.

I think perhaps the thing that I am most proud of accomplishing is my own self awareness. I know when I have been pushed too far - either by myself or others. I also know when I am on the verge of falling down the rabbit hole - and I reach out for help.

I may not be able to control the stress in my life, but I can control how I cope with it. And even though I am still learning everyday how to better handle my stress, this is the one thing I am most proud of!

Peace