The Lowest of the Low

I believe that there are 3 sides to every story - my side, your side and the truth. Because we are human our side of the story is always influenced by emotions. Sometimes the most altruistic actions can be interpreted as mean spirited or being honest can be downright hurtful or nasty.

I have hit rock bottom. Strangely enough I am glad! I was fighting my descent into the pits of despair for so long. I was taking a daily dose of pain instead of dealing with it all at once. Now that I am at the bottom, I have clarity.

It is really not so bad down here. I have been here before, which gives me an advantage - I know how to get out when I am ready. Not only do I know 'how' to get out - but I think that it is important for me to stay a while and just hurt. This is a necessary resting spot in my journey. I need to take some time to hurt, heal and forgive.

As I sit here trying to write as my cat eats my pencil I have a strange revelation. This time NONE of my pain, loss and guilt has a single thing to do with my ex and the breakdown of my marriage. I am now dealing with my OWN issues - this means I have no one to blame/ forgive but myself.

Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. We all have our flaws. Perhaps due to my incessant need to think and analyse I cause myself more than my fair share of grief but I need to cut myself some slack. 

How can anyone be expected to do something different when they have no idea what they are doing wrong. How can you know what you don't know? Wow - I am not even sure my sentences are making sense any more.

I don't have a crystal ball. I can't be expected to "go fish" for every answer or solution. Some days I even wonder if I want to know the answers. I just want to BE!

I am not longer wallowing in self pity. I don't feel all alone - the fact is I may be single but I am NOT alone. I am more than coping with my issues and fears and I have travelled a great distance in just 3 years. I am proud of all I have accomplished and I REFUSE to beat myself up any more about how "adjusted" I "should" be at this stage of the game.

I have met more than enough people at different stages of their journeys to know that I am FINE and will ALWAYS be fine regardless of where my life take me.

Peace

Hair of the Dog

In the past I have written 2 angry posts - and I published neither of them. Well things are about to change! I am angry and I don't care who knows! You know what - I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should behave, how I should feel and what I am afraid of!

News flash! I AM NOT AFRAID OF BEING ALONE!!!! I have been alone for 3 years now, thank you very much. If I were REALLY so AFRAID of being alone don't you think I would have 'latched on' to any 'Tom, Dick or Harry' who had crossed my path by now? Seriously! If I was so afraid of being alone would I not have 'jumped' right into a relationship long before I was divorced? There has been no shortage of men I could have 'settled' for if I was SO AFRAID of being alone.

I am angry, frustrated and sick and tired of everyone telling me what I should and should not do! The thing is I am the one who has to live my life. I am the one who has to live with the consequences of the decisions made, so shouldn't I get to make the decisions? I am tired of everyone knowing what is "best" for me!

I am the one who has to go out and do things. Shouldn't I get to decide what I want to do? Shouldn't I get to decide if I want to go? I am the one who has to be in different relationships day in and day out. Shouldn't I get to choose if I feel comfortable in the relationship? If I don't feel comfortable shouldn't I get to choose if I wish to leave?

Why the fuck am I letting doctors, psychiatrist and therapists tell me what I should and should not be doing to make my life better? In all honesty I think I have handled everything that has happened to me EXCEPTIONALLY WELL! I did NOT take up drinking, smoking, drugs or gambling. I did NOT jump immediately into another relationship, have sex with random strangers or go on major shopping sprees. I did NOT lock myself in my room for months at a time, over eat or curl up into a ball and die!

What I did do was I started living a healthier lifestyle. I started getting active. I took up some personal interests. I went back to school. I started martial arts. I started volunteering in the community. I started going out and meeting total strangers. I started dating. Basically I started living a single life!

You know what - for someone who supposedly has a social anxiety disorder I most certainly do one hell of a lot of social things! I would even go as far to say that I probably do FAR MORE social activities than people I know who don't have social anxiety!

Ultimately I am the ONLY person who knows what is BEST for me! I need to TRUST my instincts and believe that I am competent enough to distinguish between situations that are "wrong" for me vs. "anxiety". I may be alone, but being alone is far better than being lonely in a relationship. I am HAPPY and NO ONE can tell me otherwise!

Peace

Big In Japan

As I sit here listening to what I have been told is "the worst album ever" I can't even bring myself to crack a smile. I am wallowing in self pity. I have once again pushed away everyone in my life. Now I sit here facing my worst fears - ALONE!

I clearly see my behaviour patterns but I am at a loss at how to stop them. As soon as I get close to someone I begin to "think" and the process to protect myself starts. It is always the same story - if I let people see the "real me" it's only a matter of time before they are honest with me and tell me that I am unworthy of their companionship. Eventually the "real me" will disappoint them and my incompetence will show. Or worst of all I will make a mistake and do the wrong thing and then they will validate that I am unlovable.

When I started my workshop I was so hopeful and excited to finally learn skills to cope with my anxiety. Now I HATE it! I was told by the MANY doctors involved in the process that it would be a lot of hard work. "No problem" I thought. I was BEYOND wrong! The PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING! The realizations are debilitating! The physical reactions are frightening! Right now the worst of all of this is my own inner conflict!

The thing is I KNOW I am loveable! I KNOW I am worthy! I KNOW I am competent! So why do I do things to make people think I am unlovable, unworthy and incompetent when I KNOW DAMN WELL that I am probably one of the more sane, emotionally evolved and capable people around? Fear - it's easier to handle being hurt by myself over being hurt by someone else.

Okay so now I understand it - but how do I STOP it? I have tried pulling away from people - that just make me miserable. I have tried being honest with people - that just got me labelled "psychotic". I tried keeping it all to myself - that NEVER ends well for me.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. The thing is the habit I need to break involves other people. It is difficult to find people who are willing to support me no matter what. So here I sit, crying, my worst fears realized - I am all alone! I only have me right now. Unfortunately ME is very broken right now.

So, I will do what I do best, dry my eyes, pick up self up, do some research and LEARN how to rebuild myself. Ultimately I can only ever count on myself. I know that I would be there for ANYONE in my life at any time if they needed me - so I CHOOSE to do the same for myself.

In keeping with my love of music I draw solace in the lyrics from my favourite band ~ "I will never know myself until I do this on my own. And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed. I will never be anything till I break away from me. I will break away I'll find myself today".

Peace

Humpty Dumpty

In keeping with my true nature I have whole heartedly thrown all my energy and effort into dealing head on with my deepest darkest fears. The end result was inevitable. I now find myself knee deep in many different emotions and all of them painful beyond belief. I am broken! A complete write-off - it's no wonder my ex decided to get a new model - but I digress, this is about me.

As I approach the end of my VERY AGGRESSIVE anxiety workshops I have drilled even further into my fear of rejection. Well past my fear of relationships and people in general and I have finally reached my core fears. Having had low self esteem my entire life I was not really surprised to learn my core fears are that I am unlovable, I am unworthy, and I am incompetent. 

What did surprise me is how these fears trigger intense physical reactions in me when others do something to reinforce my fears. I have been calling these reactions "intuition" or "red flags". Seems on some level I already had a clue - but knowing DOES NOT make this any easier to deal with.

Sadly I am realizing that my entire adult life I have been surrounded by people at home and work who reinforced my deepest fears either with their words or their behaviours. Lack of affection confirmed I was unlovable. Lack of communication and openness confirmed I was unworthy to be trusted. Derogatory comments and references to being unstable confirmed I was incompetent to handle emotions.

I realize I can't change the past. All I can do is learn from it. I have worked very hard at building my self esteem over the last few years and now I understand "why" I have such anxiety in social situations. My anxiety is far bigger than not being good enough - I am afraid that all my core fears will be confirmed by the people in my life.

The more uncertain a situation is for me the more I begin to "believe" my core fears are true. I realize I have said many times that I don't deal well with ambiguity - now I understand why! Now this is where my thinking comes into play. Rather than "feel" unloved, unworthy and incompetent I use my thoughts as a means of protection. I think about all the possible outcomes of a situation - good or bad - this way I will be prepared for whatever happens and perhaps it won't HURT as much. 

I now see that this behaviour only allows the fears to become more real - to become larger than life. This is why I NEED to keep moving forward and face my fears. I have to HURT, I have to FEEL the emotions and I have to LEARN that they are NOT TRUE! I have to learn not to take things personally - I am loveable, I am worthy and I am competent.

I KNOW I will get through this no matter how broken I may feel right now! I am tenacious and I will put myself back together again - piece by piece if I have to! 

Peace

Opportunities

Okay, 3 mediocre dates, about 25 email rejections (I lost count after 20), and 1 dude forgot he had a date with me (WTF!) and I am beyond ready to throw in the towel! I am NOT cut out for this! It has been only 2 weeks and I am tired of it all!

For the first time ever I have made a decision to put my needs before those of others. Putting my needs first meant walking away from a situation that made me very happy and in turn disappointed someone who means a lot to me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am miserable and crying all the time. So seeking solace in my usual comforts I bought myself a book ~It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.

I like the book for many reasons. It makes me laugh, all the stories are true, and I can relate to many of the feelings which makes me realize I am not alone. Most of the stories are absolutely insane - which makes me feel proud of how well I am handling things. Although I must admit I have thought about doing some of the things in the book! Best of all the approaches in the book mirror my anxiety treatment.

In the book Greg Behrendt mentions that the best way to deal with a break up is to confront the pain. I know I am not dealing with break ups per say, but I can apply the concept to my feelings of rejection and hurt. Anyway, I digress, the book refers to pain like winning the lottery. When you win the lottery you have 2 options on how you want your payment - you can take a daily prize for the rest of your life or you can take it all in one lump sum and invest it how you see fit.

I am choosing to take the pain in one lump sum! This means that I need to remove myself from situations that allow me to continue destructive behaviours. Now that I have removed myself from the situation I can deal with the heart crushing pain.

Throughout my journey I believe that I have always done the right thing by taking the high road but whenever I did these things they were usually for someone else. Now that I am doing the 'right thing' for myself I question my decision. I feel guilty for letting down a good friend and not being good enough or strong enough for them.

Now is the time I need to remind myself that I realized I was in too deep and I recognized it was not healthy for me and I took the opportunity to get some perspective and reassess the situation. I am proud of how intuitive I have become and I am realizing that regardless of how painful and difficult this decision was for me to make it was the best decision for me at this time.

Peace

Mission Impossible

Attending a weekly anxiety workshop has been great for me. Not only do I get to learn but I get to experiment and confront my fears. My latest assignment was to write about my worst fear. "No problem" I thought I have already done that - I was wrong.

After I read my 'meeting the ex and the new Mrs' worst fear scenario to the group their task was to find the root cause of my fear. As the group discussed my scenario I started to become uncomfortable. It was determined that my fear had nothing to do with my ex but rather I was afraid of being rejected - not being good enough, not being loveable, not being desired.

So naturally my first response to this was DENIAL! "But I have already been rejected by my ex so what am I afraid of now?! Huh? Huh?!" Unfortunately the group had far more insight than I myself possess and all too quickly answered "Being rejected again". What can I say - the truth hurts - and sometimes it hurts bad!

I have learned many ways to 'protect' myself from being rejected in relationships. I "push" people away in many ways - the most common one by acting insane. I don't "share" much of myself - just the facts jack. I adopt an "icy" demeanour. I keep everything direct, impersonal and businesslike all in an attempt to distance myself. Probably worst of all I tell myself that I don't care about what others think when nothing could be further from the truth. Ultimately I am finding the more I try to protect myself the more I seem to get hurt.

The rest of my assignment - should I choose to accept it - is to confront my fear. So how does one go about confronting this fear - the plan is to be rejected. Not just rejected but rejected by 100 men by the end of the month! The original plan was for me to go to a mall or the airport and start asking men to have coffee with me. Now that was WAY TOO FAR out of my comfort zone!

So we agreed that I will go online and contact men who are "way out of my league" and ask them to meet for coffee. Not an ideal solution but a bit better and less aggressive. There are rules - I am not allowed to delete my rejection emails - those have to come back to class. Once I no longer have emotional reactions to rejection emails I have to 'up the stakes' to face to face rejections. Oh and no answers do not count as a rejection.

I am not so sure how this will play out. I have already sent out 10 emails resulting in 1 rejection, 2 replies and 7 no answers. In reading this you may think that I am making light of my experiment but rest assured I am most anxious but if I know anything about myself it's that I am stubborn beyond belief and I will not let my anxiety get the better of me.

Peace

Ground Hog Day

Bullshit! I have had this word said to me so many times this month. Oddly enough it has been from people who don't even know me. These people, after meeting me, have felt the need to express their disbelief that I am shy, introverted, and suffer from anxiety.

Does this mean that I have been misdiagnosed? No. Perhaps a better question would be 'why am I sharing my anxiety disorder with strangers?' Well, as you know I have become tired of letting my anxiety run my life and I have started a confrontational approach to dealing with it. For me this means that I try to confront one of my fears each day.

For a few months now I have been going out and meeting new people - facing one of my fears. Because I have been doing this for a while now - meeting new people has become much easier for me and is gradually creating less anxiety for me.

In addition to tackling my disorder head on I have joined an anxiety workshop. Many people in this group have a hard time believing that I suffer from anxiety at all. What these people don't know is all the hard work I have done over the last couple of years in an attempt to cope with my anxiety.

I would like to overcome my anxiety; however, the first thing I learned in my workshop is that there is no cure for anxiety. Like diabetes, anxiety can only be treated. It would appear that I am genetically hard wired to think and worry - which in turn causes anxiety. Which means, like it or not, I need to learn to cope.

Now I have no intention of letting my genetic make-up get the better of me. I am fully aware that I think too much, which in turn causes me to worry. So I am going to use my 'thinking' and love of learning to my advantage! I intend to learn how to cope and minimize my thinking and in turn reduce my anxiety.

Everyone has anxiety. My issue is my anxiety is either disproportionate to the situation or irrational - and sometimes both. Some time ago I pondered "why" I have such a difficult time dealing with the breakdown of my marriage over the weekends. My thinking back then was that I was upset because weekends were always "family" time.

I am beginning to understand that I am not "pining" for my old family life on my weekends. Rather the contrary is happening - on the weekends my brain is unoccupied - which allows me to think - which in turn allows me to worry - and the end result is anxiety. During the week I have work, martial arts and the kid's activities to occupy my time and my mind. On the weekends my brain is free to wander - a very dangerous activity for me! 

Instead of becoming busy beyond belief I now understand that I need to learn to CONTROL my thinking - which is the purpose of my workshop. I am SO EXCITED for this opportunity and I eagerly await my next workshop.

Peace