Torch Song

Have you ever enjoyed a song so much that you were inclined to listen to it non-stop without getting sick of hearing it? Music is so subjective and can evoke emotional responses in people. This is one of the many reasons I like music so much. There are so many pieces of a song to enjoy. The lyrics, chorus, melody, and so on.

At times you can get so wrapped up in the song that you forget everything. Life stops and you are just suspended in time, hearing the music, listening to the words. A far less enjoyable experience can happen when you get stuck on an issue.

So much time can be spent hanging in limbo. Not moving forwards or backwards. Stuck. The nagging issue plays over and over in your head. Unlike a song, there is no enjoyable melody or meaningful lyrics. Just the constant beat of frustration. You know the answer is there somewhere. You just can't hear it for all the noise. You are so caught up in the issue it is hard to see anything else.

Often the best solution is to stop. Stop analyzing. Stop worrying. Stop fearing. Stop listening to that same song. It's one of the hardest things to do. To stop everything and TRUST that things will work out alright. Oddly enough as soon as you do stop and trust in yourself the answer appears.

Sometimes the answer is that you can never overcome the issue. All you can do is live the best life you can live without it and try your best to not let the issue rule your life. Remembering that life is not about the destination, it's about the journey.

I do know that how we deal with these challenges is what defines us. I am not perfect. I sometimes run and hide from the challenges that life brings my way. I tend to get lost and lose my way. I also know that I am getting better at finding my way when I get lost. I am learning to take corrective action when things 'feel' wrong for me, even if I don't know what this issue is. I am starting to trust myself and not put as much stock in what others tell me.

"Leave me, leave me to grieve."~AFI

Peace

This Time Imperfect

"I'd show a smile but I'm too weak. I'd share with you could I only speak. Just how much this hurts me."

Emotions. Can't live with them, can't get rid of them! Right about now I wish I could rip my emotions right out of my body somehow. After only 2 weeks of putting my needs first I am seeing positive changes, which pleases me immensely.

The yang to that yin is the resistance from others in my life. This has placed me on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am full of self-esteem, the next I am ashamed. Then I am proud, until my thought process kicks in and then I feel guilty. Not to mention the elation, followed by sadness. Oh, and then there is anger all by itself yelling at me for letting all these emotions mess with my head.

I have started to describe this phase as the 'detoxing' phase. As with any type of detox program one goes through the entire gambit of emotions - with anger and frustration at the forefront. Perhaps the most unsettling episodes for me are when I am all smiles and giggles and then in a puddle of tears seconds later. It's a challenge for me to not be transparent to those around me.

Change is never easy and I certainly have high expectations for myself. I am far less patient and forgiving of my own behaviours than I would be of others. At a weak moment, I mentioned these thoughts aloud and was surprised to hear that what I saw as weakness in myself was seen as strength by others. Hearing that the things I believe to be my greatest flaws were admired by others certainly caused me to look at my situation in a different light.

While I understand that the first step of any detox program is to let the emotions happen, this is the my least favourite part. The fluctuations of emotions is exhausting. Here's to hoping this is a short phase in my transformation.

Peace

"I cannot stay here. I cannot leave. Just like all I loved, I make believe. Imagine heart, I disappear, seems no one will appear here and make me real" ~ AFI

Jesus of Suburbia

Okay, so I have found the issue. I have an objective, a goal if you will. Still missing, a plan of action. Well, that is no entirely true. I have returned to doing things that made me happy in the past - blogging, walking, listening to music.

The other day I took a walk through my old survey. Walking through the neighbourhood I found it hard to believe that I once had a life there. Everything was so 'not me'. The large houses, big trucks in the driveways, wives walking around the property drinking their coffee most likely looking at the upcoming landscaping needs. As I took in all the sights there was an overwhelming feeling of 'not belonging' in this world.

I have a simpler life now where I don't feel the need to 'keep up with the Jones', which makes me happy. While I was thinking on my walk the expression "fake it 'til you make it" popped into my head. In all honestly I think that this is what has made me miserable. Being positive when I am feeling negative. Being strong when I am feeling weak. Telling family and friends that life is wonderful when I feel that it is all falling down around me.

Wow! That was melodramatic :-) (ahhhhh an emoji) Lesson for me - I don't like being fake. It doesn't work for me. It's kind of like bottling up my emotions. Having said this, I also know that I can't spew my toxicity on anyone and everyone who will listen. Which is why I believe I need the other outlets - blogging, walking, listening to music, photography...and so on.

It's now time to put myself first. Do things for me. This is the hardest thing for me. How do I stop doing for others? 

Peace

"Land of make believe. And it don't believe in me. Land of make believe and it don't believe. And I don't care!" ~ Green Day

Figure.09

If happiness is a choice, does that mean that sadness is a choice as well?

I believe that sadness is an important emotion that needs to be given attention when it appears, just like anger and fear, there is usually a reason for it.

I have not chosen to be miserable, yet I am. It has taken the better part of 6 months to figure out why I am miserable. Knowing the reason does not make getting yourself out of the darkness any easier, in fact it presents a whole new set of challenges.

The ego is a funny thing. One can learn to not take things personally, or so I am told; however, for me, when you are constantly hearing every day the things you do are wrong, well, for me it spells train wreck.

I find it interesting that I KNOW I am negative, toxic and miserable yet others around me perceive me as helpful, positive and happy. Perhaps they see the Facebook version of me...who knows.

What I do know is that I find it difficult to find anything positive in my life at the moment. I know, I am alive, I have friends and family who love me, blah, blah. That's not what I mean. Not so long ago I was happy. Truly happy. And now that happiness is gone. I get it, this is 'fixable'. The issue is, I don't know how to fix it. The worst part of losing my happiness is that I also lost my self-confidence. Or perhaps it was my loss of self-confidence that lead to my loss of happiness.

A quote from Kung Fu Panda comes to mind, "I probably sucked more today than anybody in the history of kung fu. In the history of China. In the history of sucking!" ~Po. This sums up every day for me. Right now everything I do is "wrong", "stupid" or "useless" both at work and at home. I have nowhere to hide or escape from the negativity. And to make matters worse, the negativity has entered my head, and it now keeps playing in an endless loop over and over again.

Perhaps the best way to manage this is to just push through it. I have been through worse and survived. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself. Everyone is entitled to their 'dark' moments. Why is this bothering me so much? Because I don't feel right inside. I no longer see the opportunities and challenges, I see only frustration and locked doors. I miss rising every morning being excited for the day's adventures. Now I wake late, show up to work later and dread all that may happen throughout the day. 

"Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them. Sometimes I wonder why this is happening. It's like nothing I can do would distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again" ~ Linkin Park

Peace

Long Way Home

~"I'm leaving all this crap behind. The past is gone, the future's blind. Don't care how long it takes this time. On and on I'll take the long way home."

Wow, all I can say is that looking at the first blank page of a 500 page journal book can be very overwhelming. I just keep telling myself it's like riding a bike. To which my first response is 'I can't ride a bike!'...then all of a sudden that saying makes sense to me for the first time in my life. Once you make the first few difficult peddle motions, the rest becomes natural and fluid as you work to keep peddling to not only move the bike forward but keep it upright. And here we go...

I stopped writing some time ago for a few reasons. I felt that I had nothing to 'work out' anymore. My life was moving in the right direction. I had a job I loved, a boss I loved more, fantastic new friends, I was heavily involved with volunteering in the community, and I was happy. Life was great!

I stopped analyzing everything that crossed my path. I stopped reading between the lines. I stopped hearing hidden messages in things that were said to me. I was living, as they say, 'in the now'.

So what happened? Change! I took a new job. I left the job I loved and the boss I loved more for a job where I believed I could bring huge benefits to the company. I believed with my heart and soul that I could make great changes and move the company into the future in my new role. All I could see was potential everywhere I looked.

Unfortunately as I transitioned through this change I forgot all my newly found coping techniques. I fell into my old behaviours. As a result I now feel like I am back at square one - starting all over again.

So why write? Writing helps me work things out. Once I put it down on paper its out of my brain and doesn't continue to whirl around in there for days and nights on end. 

Why blog? Simple. I KNOW I am not the only person in this vast world of 7.4 billion who has ever experienced this kind of thing. If one single person out there can relate to anything I say and feel a little less alone in this world then why wouldn't I blog?

Why start writing again now? I've been trying to write since September; however, I kept seeing my blogging again as a sign of failure. A sign that I was not able to handle change. Proof that I was not strong enough to survive life. I was not good enough. Then there were the whispers of the hidden messages, you know self-doubt. Was I ever really happy? Am I looking for pity? Am I looking for attention? Being miserable, am I looking for company?

Having recently hit rock bottom I've realized that I have to make a conscious decision to make my life better. I am choosing to do what is BEST for me. Right now writing is one of those choices. It allows me to focus. It forces me to move forward. It challenges me to forgive and forget. It permits me to be creative. So I will continue to write until it is no longer the best thing for me.

Cheers,
Peace

"If it's for me it's on the way home. I will go alone. I will go and find it on my own" ~ Offspring

Say It

Lately I have happened across several articles about adding 'texting words' to the dictionary. This in and of itself does not bother me; I understand the logic behind texting words - lol, brb, lmao. TBH I don't mind texting words, they are fast, efficient and serve a purpose when used for texting.

This rant is more about some current sayings as opposed to words themselves. There are some sayings out there that set my teeth on edge even more than poor grammar. A few years ago 'it is what it is' was introduced to society. I do not know the "origination" of the phrase; however I did read an article about how it was meant to help people accept and embrace changes in their organizations. Somewhere along the way it took a wrong turn. Now the saying comes off as 'tough titties, suck it up buttercup, quit your whining, there is nothing you can do, this is a dictatorship'. Not a positive message at all.

Another phrase, which is also a texting word, YOLO, has veered down that negative path as well. You only live once was meant as a positive statement to 'stop and smell the roses', or to get your nose out of your 'smart phone' and open your eyes! Unfortunately the vast majority of people use it as an excuse to spend beyond their means, participate in reckless activities, justify their self-centred behaviours and forget about simple common place everyday manners.

We already live in an "I want it NOW" society and YOLO has become just another phrase to justify that mentality. I understand, similar to grammar, I can't make anyone use phrases properly. Sometimes you just need to grin and bear it (or is it grin and bare it LOL). Let's face it the English language is confusing enough without adding 'trendy' expressions and anagrams. I mean why is it called 'gas mileage' when it is calculated in litres per kilometre?

The saying that bothers me the most is 'no problem'. What has happened to the words 'you are welcome'? Did they get removed from the dictionary to make room for YOLO? Were too many people confused with your and you're? I don't know about you but when you ask me to do something that goes above and beyond it IS a problem and I most certainly want to you know that I ONLY did it because I quazi-liked you, or it was part of my job, in which case you are still welcome!

Peace

You Can't Handle the Truth

Around this time last year I wrote about giving up something that was very important to me - my martial arts. A year has passed, I miss it more than anything, and I am still ashamed to admit 'why' I had to give it up.

I am hoping that writing this will help me figure it out why I feel so ashamed by not being able to afford something. When I am unable to do something due to financial reasons, a flood of shame and despair wash over me. I get a knot in my stomach; my blood drains from my face and arms and sometimes tears well up in my eyes.

I know it sounds ridiculous but this is how I feel. Logically I understand that I cannot afford everything. It is not the 'everything' that makes me upset - if my kids asked for a boat I would feel no shame in saying 'we can't afford it'. No, I am referring to the little things in life - dinner out, movies and some weeks, groceries.

The breakdown of my marriage left me with a lot of debt. In the early days I did what I needed to get by which did not help reduce my debt; however, I was always careful to ensure that purchases I made in those early days were necessary. 

Last year we sat down as a family and built a budget. One year later I see the benefits - not going into debt for car repairs, clothes, and vacation - yet I still feel my heart break when I hear my kids say 'we're poor'. Even though I have shared the finances with them on several occasions to show that we are not poor I can appreciate how they feel. 

I don't want this to come off as a 'gripe' about not having enough money and the cost of living. I know I have a great job that pays well and I am choosing to do my best to eliminate my debt. My goal is to try to understand why I feel like a failure when I cannot afford things. Why can't I just say 'no thanks' or in my mind know that it's not in my budget and be fine with that? 

What bothers me the most is when there are other people involved. "Let's go for lunch" or "let's do this or that". When someone says 'you want something from Tim's?' and you know you only have 2 dimes and a nickel in your wallet it's embarrassing. I wish I could not be embarrassed by not having money. 

I find that now I am intentionally avoiding events, things with friends and life in general because I simply cannot afford to show up. I lie to everyone - myself included. I tell myself 'you didn't want to do that anyway'. I have no answers here. I don't know how to not be ashamed. Logically I know I shouldn't be ashamed since I am not careless with my money but for some reason I still do.

Peace