The Future Is Now!

A very good friend of mine told me something the other day...okay, just kidding. A very good friend of mine ASKED me the other day "how I was doing". This question always makes me stop and think. Is this my 'permission' to release the hounds? Or is this person just being polite.

In keeping with my promise to live in the now, I started to type my email response only to pause yet again. Problem number two - I am doing GREAT! I have been so happy with myself and my life since June and although I could complain I don't want to. So what exactly is the issue that that? Well my fear is that once I put these words in writing - or say them aloud some sort of "COSMIC" being will go "Oh, she's far too happy, gotta squash that now" and SPLAT!

HA! When I read this - it sounds silly, but fears are not always rational. Anyway, even though I have been very happy since the beginning of the summer, my summer was not without its issues. The BIG issue being that my ex and I shared a great deal of one-on-one time over the summer. My inherent nature to treat everyone, including my ex, with respect lead to us spending lengthy hours conversing at baseball games and various other activities that involved the kids.

At first this was EXTREMELY difficult for me as all I wanted to do was [punch him in the face] (I will keep this G rated). After a while I found myself enjoying our conversations - which to be honest was confusing for me. And then one day - lo and behold I had a TRUE "light bulb" moment! I realized I was talking TO HIM. We were not having conversations; we were not connecting; we were not sharing; it was a ONE-WAY street. My 'light bulb' moment - I FINALLY understood why we were no longer married. I am a 2-way street kinda gal - I WANT my relationship to go both ways!

I believe that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. When you reach the point where you just don't care about the other person any more it is over. According to my ex it was over before we got married. For me it just happened this summer.

"When" it happens doesn't really matter. For me it was a very long process that most likely started years before the breakdown of my marriage and was only 'sped up' by recent events. Why was it a long process? For me I believe that it was because of my personality. I tend to see the POSITIVE in everyone! I have HOPE that people can and WILL live up to their potential. I don't like to give up! I LOVE to solve the UNSOLVABLE problem and HELP people see all that they can be.

And that my friends is exactly what my marriage was - an unsolvable problem. Through my travels I have learned that not everything requires an answer and sometimes you just need to let go - and once I did - I was able to love again! I don't regret anything. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned - but most of all I am thankful that we BOTH have chosen to be respectful to each other. I am fully aware that 'his being nice to me' made me confused at times and complicated my process of 'letting go' - but the future is now and now I’m disappearing.

Peace

The Inevitability of Death

Music! It drives a lot of my writing. It drives my moods. The avid music lover is well aware that many of my blog titles are the names of songs or lyrics from songs. I have to say that it is ALWAYS a welcome pleasure to meet someone who appreciates music more than I do!

For me my music choices are always changing. Sometimes I enjoy a song because of the lyrics, sometimes it is the rhythm, and other times it is simply the sound of the singer's voice or just one chord in the entire song.

I often associate music with events. Hearing a certain song can instantaneously return me to a specific moment in time. This can and has caused some grief for me. While in university I was a HUGE fan of Canada's own Tragically Hip. Over time I "sold" my ex-husband on the musical talent of the band. The Hip quickly became one of his favourite bands and their songs played a big part in OUR history together. When my ex-husband left the ONLY thing he took with him were all the Tragically Hip CDs.

Over the last few years I have intentionally avoided listening to any Hip. Any time a song played on the radio I would immediately change the channel. I was afraid of the wave of memories that would come back to me should I listen to the song. I had more than enough hurt and pain without 'choosing' to create more.

I was recently invited to a local Tragically Hip concert. I was excited to go as this was something that I had not done since my university days - but I had my reservations. In the end I did agree to go to the concert but was extremely worried. Would I burst into tears? Would I open up old wounds I thought had healed? I didn't know, but I had made the decision to face my fears and chose to stop running.

As I stood listening to Gord sing I was reminded of how much I truly enjoy the Hip! Hundreds of memories came flooding back and amazingly NONE of them hurt at all. My memories were of me and my ex in happier times and you know what - they made me smile! Perhaps now that I am in the forgiving phase of my journey the death of my heartache was inevitable.

Peace

Roads Untraveled

When I began my journey of grieving, healing and forgiveness I likened my travels to climbing a mountain. My destination was the top of the mountain. Several months ago I reached the top of my mountain - goal achieved!

As great as it has been to reach my goal I have come to realize that the top of the mountain is only a temporary rest stop for me throughout my travels. Being at the top of the mountain allowed me to see everything clearly, but one thing I did not expect to happen was my need to see the "other side" of the mountain.

Now I have a desire to travel down the other side of the mountain. Could I stay at the top? Perhaps, but where would the fun in that be? I want new challenges, I want new adventures, I want new scenery! Am I scared? Absolutely terrified! I am now travelling not only without a map in uncharted territory but I am also travelling WITHOUT a destination.

Does this mean that I am wandering around aimlessly? No. I may not have any idea where I am headed or how I am going to get there, but I do have BELIEF and HOPE. My belief is in me and my ability to navigate the safest path. My hope is that I will continue to learn, enjoy and be happy regardless of the path that I choose. You NEVER know what is waiting around the corner for you!

I know that there will be wrong turns, road blocks and various other pitfalls during my travels down the mountain. I know I will stumble on more than one occasion. I also know that I will pick myself up, dust myself off and move on. And if for some reason I can't get back up after I have fallen, I know I have a great support system in place to help pick me back up.

I could choose to stay safe and protected on the top of my mountain. Up there I can see it all and no one can touch me without me seeing the attack. Instead I am CHOOSING to jump in - no matter how scary it is or how hurt I might get - and LIVE LIFE! My journey will continue and I won't let my fears stop me now!

Peace

Let Yourself Go!

Letting go is not as easy as it sounds. It is extremely difficult to remove someone from your heart. It is a painful and lengthy process. Back when I was actively dating I was always very careful not to talk about any men around my children. I justified it in many ways - I deserve a personal life; they don't understand 2 coffees do not constitute a boyfriend; but the real reason was I was afraid that they would 'blurt' out the man's name in front of their father.

Oddly enough any time I was regularly meeting a gentleman my ex-husband would mysteriously start texting me more often; be nicer to me; or drop by to see the kids sporadically  On more than one occasion I had to 'remind' him that he made a choice to leave me and he needed to let me go and live my life.

The funny thing was it was not HIM who had to let me go - it was ME who had not let him go. When I was not involved with someone I was always "worried" about my ex. Not outright worried, but in the background still doing things for him - taking care of him without directly taking care of him.

For example - when the children would ask to take up an activity that I could afford - I would say "I don't think your father can afford it". I was still submitting insurance claims for the children for him because I knew he wouldn't. I would even make arrangements for the kids on weekends that he had them if they had special events like birthday parties.

The man was living his own life - doing whatever he wanted - without having any responsibilities - all because of me! Now how does this all tie into dating? Glad you asked. When I was dating I was always so careful to avoid my ex that I stopped taking care of him all together.

Earlier this year a very good friend of mine helped me to over come my NEED to care for my ex-husband. She supported me and gave me contacts when my ex and I hit a rough patch. Because of this support I am getting much stronger and have on more than one occasion refused to help him out with things.

This has been a huge challenge for me because I love to help people; however, my efforts have not gone unrewarded. By removing myself from my ex-husband's life and allowing him to make his own mistakes I have created a better relationship for my children. In the beginning these changes caused several problems for the kids and their father, but refusing to 'step in' and help him has forced him to 'step up' to the plate and parent his children. The end result is that he is now building a stronger relationship with his kids. For which I am grateful.

Removing the children from the equation, I was surprised to see how much time and energy I was focusing on my ex-husband - which is time and energy I can now focus on myself and my children. Sometimes you just need to let it all go!

Peace

He Who Must Not Be Named

With Halloween fast approaching I felt it would be appropriate to discuss fears. We all have them. Fear of spiders, heights, clowns, speaking in public. Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

I have a secret fear that not many people are aware of...it is called social anxiety disorder. This is the fear of what others will think of you - in my case - 'letting' others down or not living up to their expectations. In short - I am not good enough.

For the most part I go through my days with little to no impact regarding my disorder. I KNOW my job inside and out and I am confident in my abilities. At home I KNOW myself inside and out and am confident in my abilities. So, when do I have issues? When I participate in group activities - even if it is with people I know.

I know this sounds odd - and it is very strange for me because this is a new issue for me. I have never suffered from this issue prior to the breakdown of my marriage. Or perhaps I always suffered from it but because I was not self-aware I just avoided all social contact?? Either way, I have decided to write about my anxiety because like Lord Voldemort - the fear is perpetuated when you don't talk about it. When the fear is out in the open it loses its power. 

My anxiety has prevented me from doing many things. In the past these things were 'written off' as "not really important" or "I will catch the next one". In the end I got TIRED of always not doing things and sought help. One of the things I learned is that to break free from anxiety you must do the thing that makes you fearful. Right now, for me, that thing is my martial arts.

It sounds funny to say it aloud, but I am often terrified to go to my martial arts classes. On the days of my classes I start to get a stomach ache in the afternoon and by the time I get home from work I am sometimes actually sick to my stomach. But I know this is all irrational fear and I crank the tunes as I drive myself to class. Each class is different - sometimes as soon as I walk in the building I am fine and other times it takes about 15 minutes - but in the end I am ALWAYS fine!

So, why do I get so worked up? For me personally - I am afraid that I am not good enough and one day someone will say "how the heck did you even get your [whatever colour] belt - you don't belong in a black belt school!" I am afraid that I cannot meet the expectation to do 100 sit-ups or 100 push ups or 100 whatever. Is any of this rational? No! This is why it is a disorder.

For me the best medicine is to face my fears - to push myself to go and learn that even if I can't do what I believe is expected of me it doesn't mean that I am no good! As long as I have done the best that I can do I need to be happy with that. Each and every class I attend is a testament to my strength and determination to overcome this disorder and proof that I CAN do anything I set my mind to!

Peace

Chess Anyone?

Not everyone is lucky enough to do something day in and day out that they are passionate about. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule, we call these people "the lucky ones".

That is the great thing about personal interests. If you find something that you are passionate about and have the ability/ finances/ time to pursue it - life is grand! Something I have recently become passionate about and have written about in the past is martial arts.

Some may question my passion, but I can tell you for certain that I NEVER get up at 7:00 on a Saturday for ANYTHING EXCEPT karate - not even a photo shoot will get my butt out of bed that early. Sure I look like something the cat dragged in when I show up to class, but I go and I always enjoy it.

Last month - to compliment my karate - I took up Brazilian jiu-jitsu. My sensei encouraged me, but also cautioned me that jiu-jitsu does not progress as steadily as karate. This was not an issue for me - as I am not concerned with the 'goal' in karate - but rather enjoying the journey.

After a couple of classes I quickly understood why I liked jiu-jistu so much. It is a never ending game of human chess. Each move is extremely technical, precise, and accurate. It's like solving a BIG UNSOLVABLE puzzle! Perfect for my personality type - lots of learning and the learning NEVER ends! But my enthusiasm causes me to digress.

For me jiu-jitsu is much like life. A never ending struggle to survive. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but really, if you stop trying, you lose! In jiu-jitsu it has nothing to do with your size or strength - it all has to do with your ability to continue to move, or out maneuver the other person.

On my travels I have met many people, read many books and done much introspection. The end result has been many coping skills. These skills have helped me maneuver around many obstacles in my life. Is everyone born with these skills? No, but like jiu-jitsu everyone can learn them if they take the time.

Peace

Go Left Right?

After a brief hiatus I am back in full swing! A photo crawl yesterday brought back my passion for photography and my enjoyment of my creative/ artistic side. I know, I know this all sounds very corny, but it is true.

When you stop doing something you love other things in your life start to wither and die. You can still enjoy life and be happy, but being able to do something that is a true passion to you is like a free drug. There is nothing more exhilarating than partaking in that passion.

Throughout my journey I have rediscovered old passions - like photography - and discovered new passions - like writing and martial arts. As I sit here with pencil to paper I contemplate how my 'true' passions are all connected.

Prior to yesterday the last time I went on a photo shoot was in February! Now I have taken many pictures in between, but being out with others who enjoy the art is a different experience. Over the months that passed my camera lay on the shelf collecting dust. As my camera collected dust I found my passion for writing starting to 'wither' as well.

Now I have never been a writer. As you all know this is new to me and came about as an attempt to push myself out of my comfort zone. But as I write this post I am filled with such joy and familiarity! It is like finding a long lost friend on Facebook.

And how is all this connected you might wonder....well perhaps you wouldn't wonder, but I certainly wondered. I don't really know other than going out on my photo crawl resurrected my creative juices and next thing you know I am back!

To be honest I have been thinking about taking up writing again for some time, but yesterday was the little push that I needed. I have been walking along a fence for several months now. I have been balancing my sense of self with my children's grief. I have been balancing my needs with the needs of others...it was only a matter of time before I toppled over the edge.

Actually I never really toppled, I sort of JUMPED! For what ever reason I chose the "left" side of the fence rather than the "right" side. I don't believe that either side was any better, just different, but I know that the side I jumped to was the RIGHT side...

Because the side I chose was ME!

Peace