Given Up

Well it would seem that the one thing I have tried so hard not to become has happened. I have given up. I am closing the doors to my heart. I am now cynical, I trust no one and have lost all faith. I am banged up, bruised and damaged beyond repair. I am taking my ball and going home!

I don't want to play games any more. I don't want to hear empty promises. I don't want to try to fulfil people's crazy expectations. I am me! Nothing more than me. I cannot bear to hear one more person tell me that ME is not good enough! Oddly enough out of all the men I have met this year the only one who did not give me "false hope" or "empty promises" was the vampire; however, I have since realized that Vampire Boy was making me feel lonelier than I already was. I have learned that being alone does not make you lonely - being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest place in the world - so I have returned to the land of the "living".

Although I have learned so much I find myself back at square one. I feel exactly as I did the day my ex-husband left - only this time I am not grieving the loss of one person, but rather grieving the hurt and pain of many. Not only have I felt pain but I have caused my share of hurt and pain to others - and this too wears on my soul.

I have been trying really hard not to care. I have been trying to not take things personally. I have been trying to enjoy meeting multiple people all at once. The thing is - none of this is me and I can no longer do what is 'expected' of me.

So what have I learned from all of this? I tried something different and I didn't like it. So now it's time for me to go back to doing what I want! Doing what makes me happy. Doing things that I enjoy. Before I begin this next phase of my journey I must again start over - grieving, healing and forgiving. This time however I will be focusing on my behaviours. I will learn from my mistakes and I will rely on my friends to guide me when I fear I will repeat my bad behaviours.

Everything happens for a reason and I believe that right now the message the universe is sending me is to stop helping others and to start helping myself.

Peace

Killing Loneliness

"With the venomous kiss you gave me I'm killing loneliness" ~ H.I.M.

Armed with my garlic (structure) and cross (logical thinking) I have been playing 'nice' with the vampire, knowing full well I may get bitten. Very few people around me understand why I would 'waste' my time with such a creature. There are many reasons but the primary ones for me are simple - I have a lot to learn about relationships and I am lonely.

I know my friends are only concerned for me but I have already learned too many things about myself to not continue to explore my behaviours. I am far too committed - as with most things in my life I have 2 speeds - stop and fast forward. I used to believe I was just passionate but now I am able to see how my behaviours can be taken as needy or desperate.

I need structure and I can see how this can come across as cold and frigid. As such I am learning that I need to learn to let go a little. Yes, it's nice to be able to plan things but some spontaneity is nice as well. Similar to my anxiety issues I need to learn to "just be" without "knowing" everything. This is perhaps one of my greatest challenges - but I am working diligently to find a comfort zone.

I have had many friends ask me "if you don't see yourself with him the rest of your life why would you waste your time?" My answer to this is simple - why must there be such high expectations? Why can't I just take things one day at a time? Why can't I have someone in my life for 'right now'? As adults why can't we just mutually agree to keep each other company?

The thing is I thought my marriage was "forever" and look how that ended. Getting to know someone is just that - getting to know someone. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes communication. It's something I need to learn to try.

I know my friends "believe" I am settling - but I have not closed any doors. I have not made any commitments to anyone. I have not given my soul to the "dark side". I am going through life one day at a time and I am learning to accept what each day brings. No expectations. No promises. No hopes.

I know the difference between love and loneliness and I also know when I am being used. My friends will just have to trust that I am doing what I need to do for ME right now. 

"Until you get comfortable with being alone you'll never know if you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness" ~ Mandy Hale

Peace

Kill the DJ

DISCLAIMER: I am certain that karma is going to bite me in the butt for the title of this post, but I could NOT RESIST using this Green Day song!

Everything happens for a reason. I don't repeat these words to "try" to believe them. I repeat these words because I believe them. Let me tell you a random story...the other day I felt "compelled" to make a road trip to Chapters. I didn't need anything I just wanted to go there. As I wandered the store Child #2 browsed the young adult books.

While I was patiently waiting, I had no interest in browsing, I pondered what I thought was living in the moment. Recently I had been spending time with someone and was having a lot of fun breaking the "rules", enjoying life, but I had quickly become tired with the "lack of structure" and "no time line" philosophy. I was starting to think that perhaps the whole "living in the now" concept was not for me.

In an attempt to stop thinking - something I have been consciously doing - I wandered over to the Sci-Fi books to look for something Doctor Who. On the shelf, right beside a new Doctor Who book, was a book called Emotional Vampire by Albert J. Berstein PH.D. This book was clearly a self-help book and not a Sci-Fi book. As my brain processed the title, which was intriguing, my hands quickly grabbed the book off the shelf.

The book fell open on a page titled the Antisocial Emotional Vampire Check List. I quickly scanned the check list and was startled to discover that this described the "new" person in my life that has been causing me so much drama and emotional grief! Devouring the book in a matter of days I learnt that emotional vampires are exactly like the mythical kind only they drain the life from you by taking your emotions instead of your blood.

I have obviously lead a very sheltered life as I have never come across an emotional vampire until now - or so I thought. After researching this phenomenon many things started making sense to me. No wonder my gut didn't tell me to run - I was hypnotised - vampires prey on the weak instinctively. In order to protect oneself from an emotional vampire you need to THINK not FEEL - and thinking was something I had CHOSEN to stop doing!

Once I started thinking again I was able to see clearly! The Antisocial Emotional Vampire is always seeking a good time, immediate gratification, they love being around people and have a desire to be the centre of attention. They have a hard time making any sort of commitment, frequently change jobs and are easily bored. WOW! Not only was I associating with an antisocial vampire but had been introduced to an entire nest of them! A quick inventory of my 'past history' with men revealed I had come across some other types of vampires as well during my travels!

Fortunately this book told me how to drive a stake through the vampire's heart...but I have chosen to learn from this vampire first. I believe that this encounter is FOR ME, not about helping anyone. I believe there are many lessons here for me to learn. I just need to protect myself...time to get some garlic and crosses.

Peace 

Kiss Him Goodbye

Time. The greatest compliment I can give someone is my time. My time is the most valuable thing that I possess and when I CHOOSE to give someone my time it is priceless. No I am not on some great ego trip - I am simply stating how I feel.

I work hard every day. I am raising two kids on my own. I have their activities and my own activities throughout the week and on weekends. There is only so much time in any given day. Lately I have been neglecting my own personal interests - not for anyone - but because I can only do so much and I am burnt out physically and emotionally.

I know it is important to pursue my own interests - if I'm not happy - no one around me is happy. But that is a different story. My reason for writing today is to sort out my thoughts and feelings around what others have told me are 'neediness' and 'desperation'.

I have realized that I can't keep a relationship for more than 3 weeks because I am "too committed" and that terrifies men. So I have tried the "I'll see where I can pencil you in" approach and that was disastrous as well. This time around I have been open and honest simply stating "I don't like not knowing when or if I will see you again".

The fact that I have to make this statement leaves me wondering if I am just meeting the "wrong" people or is there something "wrong" with me? When I like someone I want to spend time with them, but I have learned to not give up all the activities in my life - that is unrealistic. Now I wonder what is the right amount of time to spend with someone? Twice a week? Once a week? Every other week? Once a month? 

I know that each person is different and there needs to be a 'middle ground'. I also know that when the frequency decreases the end is eminent. What I sit here pondering is when no arrangements are made to meet because that represents too much commitment - what exactly does that mean?

So call me desperate, call me needy, call me too much of a commitment - I don't care. My time is my time and if you don't want to spend time with me I'm sure there is someone out there who will appreciate my time.

Peace

Lies, Greed and Misery

I have never been one who enjoyed soap operas, Dance Moms, or a reality tv - I don't enjoy the drama. All the lies, greed and deception leave me feeling empty and cold. I will never understand the need to deceive.

We all lie - most times it's to protect someone's feelings - but this is not what I am referring to. I am talking about omitting important pieces of information, 'flowering' things up, or just making things up to 'sway' my opinion or to 'win' me over. The satisfaction in 'pulling the wool' over someone's eyes alludes me - I just don't get it. For me honesty is the best I can hope for.

The truth hurts. I liken it to a paper cut. A paper cut can make even the toughest man scream in pain and agony. But like the truth, all paper cuts are small, hurt like hell and then are quickly forgotten. The good thing about a paper cut is you can learn from it. Should you choose, you can change your behaviour to prevent paper cuts in the future. Deception (lying, avoidance, etc.) on the other hand is like having an ulcer. You can't see anything from the outside, but you just don't feel right inside. Eventually your insides start to erode and you suffer from constant pain and if not dealt with can eventually die from internal bleeding.

I believe that everyone I meet has a reason or a purpose in my life. Some people simply confirm my ability to trust my instincts. Others teach me that I am capable of things I didn't know were possible any more. Some guide me through the dark points of my journey. This time I am at a loss. I have met someone who is my polar opposite - someone who represents everything I abhor - but my instincts didn't tell me to run. Now I struggle with the drama this person has introduced to my life.

I know I can walk away at any time - that is my choice; however I know how difficult it is to change. I know how frustrating it can be when those around you 'can't see' or 'don't believe' that you have changed. I get so upset and disheartened when I am "pigeon holed" based on my 'old' behaviours. Am I being naive? Am I being deceived? Or is my 'gut' on the right track?

I realize that being in a toxic situation does not make you a stronger person but perhaps this time it's not about me being a positive influence in someone's life. Perhaps the lesson is for me. Do I have trust issues? Are my expectations too high? Am I too demanding? Perhaps I have been given this opportunity to really explore who I am and what I can and cannot accept.

Peace

Faint

"If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice." ~ Geddy Lee

The power of decision is the power of making the choice for yourself instead of allowing the choice to happen to you. I find that I am often afraid to make a decision because I fear that I will make the WRONG decision. I am learning that it is not always about making the RIGHT decision, it is about making the decision RIGHT, especially when people are involved.

I have found something that I deal with far worse than ambiguity - it is avoidance - the act of keeping away from or preventing from happening. Am I guilty of this? Yes. I have avoided people/ situations in hopes that they "go away" and then I don't need to be the 'bad guy', but I have learned the error of my ways. It's not easy to make a difficult decision. What happens if I make a mistake? What happens if I chose to do the wrong thing? What happens if I chose to do the right thing? What happens if I regret my decision?

I am learning to look at my core values when making a difficult decision. Which choice is the best for me? Sometimes this decision is not easy but I usually know the answer deep down inside. When I am in doubt I 'call a friend' - well usually send an email - to get their thoughts on the subject. And then depending on the decision that needs to be made I will give myself a timeline - with people, the sooner the better.

I know that I won't always make the right choices - but at least I will have had the power and the opportunity to CHOOSE what I believed was right for me at that time. And when I make the wrong choices I have a great support system to help me out!

Now I just need to figure out what to do when I am the object of avoidance. This type of behaviour has quickly become number 1 on my disrespect scale! I can tolerate a lot of things (although that list is quickly shrinking) but this is not one of them. So perhaps my choice is simple - walk away. 

"I can't feel the way I did before. Don't turn your back on me - I won't be ignored." ~ Linkin Park

Peace

From the Inside

There are many things in life that I don't understand, nor do I care to understand. One thing that I do know is that I write a lot more when I am down or upset. As it turns out I did not have enough tickets for any rides at the amusement park and as result I have left the park.

It's okay. I am beginning to think that I don't belong at the park - or anywhere else for that matter. At least that is how I feel at the moment. You see the thing is I don't know what I don't know. I am not sure how I can be expected to 'know' how to act/behave/do things that I have never done as an adult. 

For the first time ever I didn't listen to anyone. I didn't think too much. I didn't ponder "what does this mean". Nor did I question anything. I just acted on my feelings and how I felt at the time - what a change for me! But the reality was - being me was still not good enough and ultimately I ended up getting hurt again.

I know, I have been told by many people, many times, that 'it is their loss'; 'they were just not the right one'; 'you have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince'. The thing is I am not looking for a prince and I LOVE frogs, but aside from all of that I do hear what you are all telling me. I am not "whining" because I did not get what I wanted, I am "griping" because it is so hard and emotionally draining to stay positive, trusting and hopeful. I don't know who to trust - even my gut has let me down. It is days like this that I understand why so many people choose to stay single.

I never thought of myself as someone who would choose to be single but I have to say that this is something I am certainly considering. What people don't know is that every man I meet takes away a small piece of me - part of my energy - and I honestly don't know if I can handle losing any more of my energy. I may sound callus and heartless in my posts - but I really am not. I remember EVERY man's name who I have met for coffee. I remember what he did for a living, how many children he had and his story. Why? Because I care, sometimes I care too much.

I have been trying not to care, but it's something that I can't change about myself. At first I allowed my 'caring' side to show and I was quickly taken advantage of or told I was 'too emotionally needy'. So I tried a different approach. I tried to continue about my business and not to 'care too much' and I now hear I am 'too busy', cold and distant. It would appear that I can't win for losing and the whole thing just takes so much out of me. 

Peace