Say It

Lately I have happened across several articles about adding 'texting words' to the dictionary. This in and of itself does not bother me; I understand the logic behind texting words - lol, brb, lmao. TBH I don't mind texting words, they are fast, efficient and serve a purpose when used for texting.

This rant is more about some current sayings as opposed to words themselves. There are some sayings out there that set my teeth on edge even more than poor grammar. A few years ago 'it is what it is' was introduced to society. I do not know the "origination" of the phrase; however I did read an article about how it was meant to help people accept and embrace changes in their organizations. Somewhere along the way it took a wrong turn. Now the saying comes off as 'tough titties, suck it up buttercup, quit your whining, there is nothing you can do, this is a dictatorship'. Not a positive message at all.

Another phrase, which is also a texting word, YOLO, has veered down that negative path as well. You only live once was meant as a positive statement to 'stop and smell the roses', or to get your nose out of your 'smart phone' and open your eyes! Unfortunately the vast majority of people use it as an excuse to spend beyond their means, participate in reckless activities, justify their self-centred behaviours and forget about simple common place everyday manners.

We already live in an "I want it NOW" society and YOLO has become just another phrase to justify that mentality. I understand, similar to grammar, I can't make anyone use phrases properly. Sometimes you just need to grin and bear it (or is it grin and bare it LOL). Let's face it the English language is confusing enough without adding 'trendy' expressions and anagrams. I mean why is it called 'gas mileage' when it is calculated in litres per kilometre?

The saying that bothers me the most is 'no problem'. What has happened to the words 'you are welcome'? Did they get removed from the dictionary to make room for YOLO? Were too many people confused with your and you're? I don't know about you but when you ask me to do something that goes above and beyond it IS a problem and I most certainly want to you know that I ONLY did it because I quazi-liked you, or it was part of my job, in which case you are still welcome!

Peace

You Can't Handle the Truth

Around this time last year I wrote about giving up something that was very important to me - my martial arts. A year has passed, I miss it more than anything, and I am still ashamed to admit 'why' I had to give it up.

I am hoping that writing this will help me figure it out why I feel so ashamed by not being able to afford something. When I am unable to do something due to financial reasons, a flood of shame and despair wash over me. I get a knot in my stomach; my blood drains from my face and arms and sometimes tears well up in my eyes.

I know it sounds ridiculous but this is how I feel. Logically I understand that I cannot afford everything. It is not the 'everything' that makes me upset - if my kids asked for a boat I would feel no shame in saying 'we can't afford it'. No, I am referring to the little things in life - dinner out, movies and some weeks, groceries.

The breakdown of my marriage left me with a lot of debt. In the early days I did what I needed to get by which did not help reduce my debt; however, I was always careful to ensure that purchases I made in those early days were necessary. 

Last year we sat down as a family and built a budget. One year later I see the benefits - not going into debt for car repairs, clothes, and vacation - yet I still feel my heart break when I hear my kids say 'we're poor'. Even though I have shared the finances with them on several occasions to show that we are not poor I can appreciate how they feel. 

I don't want this to come off as a 'gripe' about not having enough money and the cost of living. I know I have a great job that pays well and I am choosing to do my best to eliminate my debt. My goal is to try to understand why I feel like a failure when I cannot afford things. Why can't I just say 'no thanks' or in my mind know that it's not in my budget and be fine with that? 

What bothers me the most is when there are other people involved. "Let's go for lunch" or "let's do this or that". When someone says 'you want something from Tim's?' and you know you only have 2 dimes and a nickel in your wallet it's embarrassing. I wish I could not be embarrassed by not having money. 

I find that now I am intentionally avoiding events, things with friends and life in general because I simply cannot afford to show up. I lie to everyone - myself included. I tell myself 'you didn't want to do that anyway'. I have no answers here. I don't know how to not be ashamed. Logically I know I shouldn't be ashamed since I am not careless with my money but for some reason I still do.

Peace

You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover

A book. All of this because of a book. I haven't even started reading the book and it brings tears to my eyes. I don't remember the last time I cried but this book...

I'm not a fan girl, although I love to read and "get into" the characters of a good book. I don't get angry if someone dies, lose sleep over plot twists or spam the author for the next book. If the book is well written I do tend to get wrapped up in the story and I enjoy the break from reality.

So why is a 172 page book I haven't even 'cracked open' making me cry? You know the saying "It's the thought that counts"? Well, it really is the thought that counts! I can't even begin to articulate what this book means to me. It's not the book, the content or even the fact that it was a gift. It's something so much more.

How did this all come about? I was having a casual conversation with the "right person" and suddenly I was holding a book. On the first page was written "The sky is the limit", something so simple. To anyone it seems like no big deal. The thing is no one, not even the person who gave me the book, understands how meaningful this is to me.

This book symbolizes acceptance. Plain and simple - I am good enough. All my life I have heard various versions of 'that's a great idea but...', 'You can't because...', 'You are talented; however,...;', 'You just don't fit into our...' I never seem to meet the cookie cutter stereotypes and in the end I am just not suitable for [fill in the blank].

For the first time ever not only am I appreciated, listened to and acknowledged but I have been accepted for who I am. I am not being told that I could be great if I change - I am being told that I am great the way I am! I finally have someone who believes in me. Someone who sees my potential and does not want to use me rather wants to mentor me and show me how to showcase my abilities.

Years of being put down, brushed off, and not taken seriously have played on my already low self-esteem causing me to keep my thoughts to myself, pull away from others and all of this has resulted in a general lack of trust. Lately there have been many people posting "gratitude" statuses on Facebook. We as a society should be grateful more often. It should not be a "challenge", rather a daily activity. 

This is my "grateful" post. I will always be grateful for that person who took the time to truly hear what I was saying and instead of dismissing my dreams, telling me why my dreams were nonsense or giving me an excuse said "let me help you get there", handed me a book and inscribed the book for me. 

Peace

Land Ho!

A couple of years ago I went on a date with a man who gave me a very strange reason for not wanting to see me again. He said that I was not truly over all the "changes" from my divorce. He went on to explain that I would not be completely "over it" until I returned to my "old" behaviours. What I took from this was people never change.

I listened to what he said but deep down inside I did not really believe him. Some 2+ years later and I now understand what he meant; although I still do not really believe his view point in regards to people not being able to change.

Over the last year I have slowly but surely returned to my "OLD" self. The one who puts EVERYONE ELSE's needs first. The me who says "don't worry about it", when her needs are ignored. The one who "stops talking" when interrupted or cut off in conversation. The one who "hides along the side of the room" instead of mingling in the centre. The one who "takes the path of least resistance". All of these behaviours have resulted in a person who buries her anger and frustrations - all because she is busy trying to please everyone but herself.

Everyone reacts to change differently. Some hide behind bad behaviours and others hide behind good behaviours. Yes, I believe that everyone "hides" during any type of change (good or bad). No one likes change, even the

people who see the "good" in the change have to adapt to the change if only for a few seconds. I know I adapted positive behaviours during my change and now I want them back!

It was so much easier to adapt the positive behaviours during my change because I welcomed the distraction. Changing my behaviours gave me "Focus" and "Direction", a purpose. Now that my change is complete I find it more difficult to maintain those positive behaviours. It's EASIER to be the "OLD" me - after all I have been doing it for 41 years! I have only been the "New" me for 4 years and let's be honest - they were not the greatest 4 years of my life.

As I write this I notice one thing about me has been constant over the last 5 years - this is my HOPE. Regardless of whether I am the "old me" or the "new me" I am optimistic that people (myself included) have the ability to change their behaviours if they CHOOSE to do so.

This leads me to believe that optimism is one of my core traits. I may not see the positive in every situation, every day, all the time; but I do believe that people as a whole are generally good, try to do good and try to be good.

As for me? I have a difficult journey ahead. To change course and to steer towards a land where I put ME first. A land where I take care of ME before everyone else. A land where MY happiness comes before others. A land where I can be that confident, assertive, strong person I know I am deep down inside. Just like a friend reminded me years ago - when the plane is going down you have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can assist anyone else.

If I don't take care of myself first I will be useless to anyone else.

Peace 

B.Y.O.B.

Expectations, we all have them. Some are reasonable and some are not. Problems tend to happen when 'pre-determined' expectations are not met. If you order food at a restaurant and it's not hot, it is returned - the expectation is that the food will be served hot - to most, this is a reasonable expectation. Expectations regarding human behaviour fall into a gray area.

Recently I have been questioning how reasonable my expectations are when it comes to everything in my life. For example when dating someone who says they are dating other woman is it reasonable to have an expectation that the 'other women' does not include dating your friends at the same time? Or is that an unreasonable expectation as they are women and as such fall into the 'fair game' category.

Another example, when going out for dinner at a bar there is a general expectation that if they serve food they serve coffee - apparently not - but I digress. Is it an unreasonable expectation to consider a "great place" to be one where it's patrons (in their 50's to 60's) aren't stumbling around drunk, puking on tables, starting fights and smoking pot out back? Or are my expectations of a "great place" just too high for today's society?

I sit here wondering if I have unreasonable expectations. Am I too judgemental? Am I a snob? Or am I just involved in the 'wrong' activities with the 'wrong' people in the wrong 'locations' for me? Am I becoming less tolerant? Or has something changed?

Why should I even care? Because I am no longer enjoying my group activities. Is it because of the change of venue? The change of activity? Or is it my "high" expectations? Regardless of the reason I find myself becoming more despondent with every passing week.

I strongly believe that I should enjoy what I am doing in my free time and if I am not enjoying these activities I should just not do them. I also get that everyone is entitled to their opinions, myself included, as well as their own 'expectations'. I guess what is bothering me is for some reason I have been made to feel as if my expectations are too high when I really believe that I am not be unreasonable at all.

So is my current frustration caused by my lack of ability to 'compromise' my expectations? And if so does that not inherently make my expectations too high? Am I really so 'out of touch' with reality that I am blind to the true nature of people? Do I expect too much?

I don't really have an answer. I guess right now all I can do is stop trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Perhaps I need to lay low for a while.

Peace

Wastelands

An interesting thing happened to me the other day when I was purchasing an album on iTunes, no that's not the interesting part. The interesting part was that before iTunes would allow me to purchase the album I had to read and acknowledge that I read a warning message. The warning message was that this album was 'different' than the last few albums the band had released. I should hope this album is different - why would I buy a rehash of the last few albums?

Really? Does society as a whole complain so much that now artists no longer have creative licence? First you "warn me" that my coffee is hot. Then you "notify me" that Barbie does not actually talk. Now you "alert me" that my favourite band's new album is not like their last ones. Are people that stupid? Is it greed? Or is it just everyone is trying to meet unrealistic expectations?

Perhaps it's my age. I remember when if you liked a band you bought their album. There was no way to 'pre-screen' their songs unless they were played on the radio. If you liked a song but weren't too sure about spending money on the entire album you couldn't download just one song. No, you had to sit by the radio with your tape recorder and 'hope to hell' that the DJ did not talk at the beginning or the end of the song. If you had great finger reflexes and you were very lucky you would get your favourite song recorded without any talking or other songs.

Although I accepted the iTunes message and bought the album anyway - which turned out to be a pre-order - I still could not help wonder what had prompted the message. Had there been an 'influx' of people trying to return iTunes album purchases? How exactly does one return an iTunes album? Are all sales final? Do people really dislike change so much that they want a band to sound the SAME all the time? I actually prefer bands who change their music - I don't consider it to be a "Sell Out" I consider it to be "good business".

What ever the reason iTunes posted this message the fact still remains - as long as I like a band I will continue to buy their albums to support them - regardless of the fact that the music business is being controlled by the Illuminati - but that my friends is another story...

"In the wastelands of today, when there's nothing left to lose and there's nothing more to take but you force yourself to choose" ~ Linkin Park

TURN DOWN THAT INFERNAL RACKET! Kids and that damn rock and roll music!

Somebody That I Used to Know

Wow! It's been 3 months since I have written anything. Today I had an overwhelming urge to get something down on paper. My "trigger" - nostalgia.

My kids found my grade 9 year book. With the high school "closing" there has been many "remember when" events going on around town and I guess curiosity got the better of them. Leafing through the pages the kids recognized many of the parents of their friend - people I never knew in high school. This activity started my reminiscing.

You see, today would have been my 18 year wedding anniversary. Oddly enough just 2 days ago some co-workers were reminding me how much fun my wedding had been and how their husbands had to 'drag' them home that night. The conversation was full of laughter; however, it ended rather abruptly when one person said "what a mistake that was eh?" and another quickly defended me and said "well we all make mistakes".

I think it was these comments that floated around in my head, mixed with the flash backs to 1984, that spurred my urge to write. Thing is, I don't see my marriage as a mistake. I do not regret anything. I have been fortunate enough to have had love in my life - yes I still believe that there was a time when we both really did love each other. I have more good memories than bad memories and 2 wonderful (most of the time) children. Also, had I never gotten married I would not be the person I am today. Sure I would still be great, but I would not be FANTASTIC!

All kidding aside, I have to say that I am glad that my ex-husband is not just 'somebody that I used to know'. I am thankful that he is still a part of my life, albeit a smaller part, but a part nonetheless. I know that I will always love him on some level, regardless of whether he feels the same, and this thought brings me peace and happiness.

My marriage was not a mistake, it was a choice. My choice lead me down a path. That path had joy and sadness, excitement and heartbreak, sunshine and rain but most of the time I walked around in a fog. If it were not for my marriage and my ex-husband I am not sure that I ever would have realized that I was missing so much in my life - living in a fog. The end of my marriage forced me to put myself first - something I had never done before. It caused me to stand up for myself and stop living my life for "others". It allowed me to open my eyes and take a good hard look at who I was and who I wanted to be - my marriage allowed me to grow and become who I am now.

In my books, being an independent, strong, healthy person is not a mistake, it is a happy ending.

Peace

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

"The world is a vampire, send to drain"

Recently Child #2 had to perform a video rant for school. My first reaction was dread. Is there not enough negativity in the world? Do we really need to teach our children how to 'rant' about things in life they are not happy about? I don't know about you but as far as I am concerned I already have more than enough drama in my life - why introduce more? After watching the Child's rant video, which was about our very long cold snowy winter, I thought a rant might be just what I need. 

As you know I started to look at my own behaviours around 'dating' to ensure that I was not totally 'out to lunch' and looking for a 'unicorn'. As you are all aware I seem to find men who are so afraid of commitment that they often can't even schedule a time and place to see me in person! Having returned to the world of electronic communications I seem to 'attract' only people who wish to text or sext. When I clearly state that I want to get to know them - they say 'I thought that's what we were doing'. So I started saying that I want to get to know them in person - which they take as an invitation for casual sex.

Was I not speaking English? How could my straightforward words be so misunderstood? So, you all know I started researching. While researching I found several newspaper and magazine articles regarding the problems with dating in the new millennium. One book kept 'popping up' in several articles - Guyland by Michael Kimmel Phd - which states that rule #1 to dating today is 'you can express no fears, no doubts, no vulnerabilities'. These dating rules have created what is being call the Whoever cares less WINS dynamic.

Women are being 'taught' to remain emotionally removed from the men that they are dating (sounds like the information I too have received). This has created a environment of men and women who are on the fence about meeting and dating. Add the pitfalls of texting to the mix and you have, well my disastrous dating life. In a world of emojicons it is easier to xo without opening your arms, to :* without touching lips and to <3 without getting your heart broken.

Sure caring less brings a sense of security. By never making yourself vulnerable you never get hurt. I know I am EXHAUSTED from playing the "whoever cares less wins' game! The whole 'casual dating' thing is far more draining on my emotional faculties and my time than being in a relationship. I am not embarrassed to want to be in a relationship!

As I have said many times - it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to NOT get emotionally involved. It would appear that my 'dating' issues are that I am ahead of my time or too old fashioned. Either way, I shall continue to be true to myself. I am done playing the 'whoever cares less' game and if you want a 'date-ish' with me you can take your >:) <3 :* xo emojicons and shove them up your a$$!

"Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage" ~ The Smashing Pumpkins

Peace

Butcher's Hook

I am conflicted. I am not even sure where to begin. I know I am not perfect, ideal or the greatest thing since sliced bread. I know I am not a romantic but I am a dreamer. I consider myself to be a realist and practical - although I am also aware that I can at times be naive or have my head in the clouds.

I received a great deal of feedback from one of my recent posts stating that it is me who has an issue, not the men I meet. Perhaps this is true; however specific to my post, these were some funny situations that happened to me. Most likely these men were not "into me" and rather than saying so said/ did some ridiculous things to ensure that I did not 'return' for more. I too am guilty of doing some 'dumb ass' things on dates when I was panicked by certain situations. I am not proud of my behaviours and I have learned from them.

My conflict does not come from the feedback from my post. It comes from what "I am seeking" v.s. what I am being told/ seeing is reality. I want a relationship! I want to spend time with a man, getting to know him and he me. I want this to be 'exclusive' once things become physical. I have no desire to spend all my time with this person. I have no desire to move in or marry this person in a matter of months. I just want to have fun getting to know someone. This is what is bothering me - EVERYONE, including the men I meet, is telling me that I am being UNREALISTIC. Really? I really don't think that I am asking for too much.

I understand that this statement represents too big of a commitment for most. This is why men 'run' in the other direction. It is assumed that I am lonely, that I will suck the life out of them and leave them with no freedom, not variety, no multiple partners - DEATH! Which is why I don't go around 'advertising' this is what I am seeking; however recently I have come to the realization that I need to be true to myself - and stop wasting my time with men who simply want to 'hook up' or 'play the field' while having a 'relationship' with me.

In the past I have met a few men who were far more into commitment than I was - so I know they exist - thing is, these men scared me and I RAN away. Several times I have 'frozen' in my tracks because I was not certain of my feelings for men and I did not want to 'mislead' or 'hurt' anyone by not being able to 'deliver'. Sometimes when I examine my behaviours I wonder if it is me who is afraid of commitment.

Perhaps it is not so much that I am afraid of commitment as it is I am afraid of committing to the wrong person. 

Peace

"Go ahead and disagree. I'm giving up again." ~ Slipknot

Never Say Never

I can't believe that I am actually writing a blog about writing a blog! I never would have thought that doing what I love doing would cause me so much anxiety.

A while ago I wrote about being approached to blog on specific topics. While the concept was intriguing, I felt that I would not be able to convey my creativity when specific 'topics' were the focus of my writing.

You would think that I would know better by now. Not only am I blogging about specific topics but I am blogging for work! In a million years I would never have guessed that I would be applying my creative talents towards work tasks.

Talk about anxiety!!!! You try putting a personal "spin" on work related facts and submitting your own personal style of writing to be approved by VPs. Then if approved - to share with EVERYONE you work with...trust me, it's pretty nerve wrecking. My anxiety doesn't stem from the content - it is far more personal - it is your basic 'what if no one likes it' fear.

The fear of not being good enough or accepted in this avenue is huge. When I write my own blogs, they are my own - it is 100% my own opinion. It doesn't matter to me what other people think - as long as I like it. When it is work stuff, well that's quite a different matter.

Not only are there 'factual' issues, 'sensitivity' issues, 'political' issues, and 'misinterpretation' issues to consider but there is also the whole aspect of 'everyone' putting in their 2 cents. I can deal with all of the above what I am afraid of is criticism regarding my writing style. I cannot change "how" I write.

As usual, I am so much calmer now that I have penned my concerns. Only time will tell the outcome of my work blogs. Stay tuned...

Peace 

Right Now

Just in case you haven't quite figured it out yet, my "hidden" meaning of my post 2 weeks ago was my 'pity/sorrow' post. Last week was the 'anger' post. So, logically this one is the 'moving on' post.

Have you ever heard of the Darwin Awards? These are awards that are given to people who do incredibly stupid things. Most of the time the stupid "act" results in that individual's death; hence the survival of the fittest name for the reward.

As I move out of my anger stage I need some humour - although I am still a bit cranky as I write this - so I thought a la Darwin Awards I would post my First Date WTF Awards!

Before I begin, I need to add my disclaimer, I know karma and she is a bitch.

1.  I am sure that I am on a least one person's top 5 worst dates list.

2.  95% - 97% of the men I have met were very nice (I did not do the math this time).

3.  Believe me every word is true - this all really happened - this is the life I lead.

Here we go - the contestants for the WTF Awards, in no particular order:

Bachelor #1 - "Wow! you are fatter than you looked in your picture."

Bachelor #2 - This distinguished gentleman proceeded to flirt with and exchange phone numbers with the waitress even before we ordered our drinks - which by the way never were ordered - I left.

Bachelor #3 - After bitching about his spoiled brat 20 something daughters continued his rant about how he is always have to do their laundry and then went off on a tangent as he described how much he liked wearing their thongs.

Bachelor #4 - Did not like what I was wearing so he offered to take me clothes shopping - right there and then. When I said no he asked if we could do that on our second date and if he could try on the same clothes with me.

Bachelor #5 - After discussing tv shows we enjoy watching this sugar daddy proceeded to explain that he no longer had cable as he had not paid his cable bill. He then went on to explain that he was being evicted and asked if he could sleep on my couch.

There you have it folks - which first date should win the WTF Award? And you all wonder why I want to throw in the towel and give up. Remembering these disastrous dates makes me realize these were not even close to my WORST dates. My worst dates are the ones where we get along great, have a fabulous time, schedule a date and time to see each other again and then I never hear from him again.

"Right now, can't find a way to get across the hate when I see you." ~ Korn

Peace 

The Song Remains the Same

Have you ever read the instructions on a bottle of shampoo? Here's what mine says "You know the drill: Lather up for moisture you can feel. Repeat if you've got time for another round". I have now been checking out the instructions on shampoo bottles and it would appear that "repeating" is optional on all of them! Hmmm...the things you learn. I was ALWAYS under the impression that it was "Lather, rinse, repeat".

This is how I am feeling these days. First date, grieve, repeat. I would like to skip the grieve and repeat parts, or even the grieve, and just have first date after first date - since I can't seem to keep a guy, but the reality is that's not for me. I have learned that it is very important for me to "grieve" each and every time so I can successfully move on to the next one.

This "grieving" stage for me can run anywhere from a couple of hours to

months depending on how emotionally involved I was. The process for me generally consists of 3 steps - pity/sorrow, anger, acceptance. My pity/ sorry phase consists of 'hibernating'. My anger phase consists of blogging or bitching. My acceptance stage consists of well, NEXT!

Many well meaning people have advised me to stay emotionally unattached - been there, tried that, failed miserably. This is not an option for me. I'm not going to change to appease anyone - male or female. I will only change if my instincts tell me that I need to change. Right now I don't feel the need to be anything other than who I am. I have made all the changes I wish to make at this time.

So I tried to change my behaviours. I stopped online dating. After a few months of not dating at all, men I was meeting in person, started asking me out. I started saying yes. The outcome of these types of dates were far more difficult for me to deal with emotionally because these men were not random strangers, they were men I had been acquainted with for several months.

Now that I have read the instructions on the shampoo bottle it is clear to me - I don't have the time nor the patience for another round, so I DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT! "Won't give you my heart. No one lives there any more." ~ Platinum Blonde

Peace

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

You would think that by now I would be used to rejection. Out of every man I have met, only 5% of the time I ended our dating. Yes, you know darn well I have done the math. The thing is - I'm still not used to it. I am so tired of being told that rejection only makes me stronger. I think I am already strong enough. If I was not upset in some way that I was rejected I would be very concerned that I was starting to lack empathy.

I know I am not perfect. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. One of my weaknesses is being able to show affection to what I consider to be complete strangers. Yes the men I meet are complete strangers and remain as such until I have spent enough time with them. How much time differs but I don't start to feel even the slightest bit of affection for anyone right away.

Logically I know that the men who do not have the patience to wait for me are not worth my efforts, nonetheless the rejection (or lack of patience) still wears on me. I thought coming off of online dating sites would make things easier, where in fact they have made things more difficult.

One of my best friends told me the other day that they could not believe that they had know me for 15 years already. What they found interesting was that they were JUST starting to get to know me - after 15 years! So if someone I have felt very close to for the last 15 years is just feeling affection from me I COMPLETELY understand why men don't know how to "read me". Here is the catch 22 - I am not easy to get to know - and I don't know how to be anyone but me.

Perhaps I have too simple a view of things? Everyone says dating is complicated. To me its simple - you want to get to know me or you don't - black or white - simple. I understand that getting to know someone presents a fair amount of risk - so you are either prepared to take the risk or you are not. For the most part, regardless of my inner fears, I have been prepared to take the risk with most men I meet and find it frustrating that I can't find anyone else prepared to take the same risk on me.

I know one day I will find a man who will be willing to take the risk and get to know me. Until that day comes I will just have to continue to have hope. "Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. Til then, I walk alone" ~ Green Day

Peace

Rock Me Amadeus

Well, what can I say? It's been one hell of a year! I have been pushing myself so much, learning so much, adjusting to so many changes and all while coping with everything. So I have spent the last few months simply basking in the glow of my hard work.

Knowing myself as well as I do, this time will come to an end, so for now I will enjoy my peacefulness. Funny thing is when I am happy I have a very hard time writing. I feel as if every idea I put on paper is silly or boastful. I start writing and never finish because there is no apparent "moral" to the story, no lesson to learn, just the ramblings of a crazy cat lady.

The other day I was listening to an '80's weekend on the radio. The DJ was talking about all the "hidden" meanings in the songs of the '80's. Most of the lyrical references I had already heard at some point in time. One thing the DJ mentioned however surprised me - that the word "rock" was often used in songs in place of the banned word "fuck". Well, after hearing that I can't help but giggle when I listen to certain songs.

Just like the "hidden" meaning in these songs, the things I write are seldom what they seem. When I write I feel vulnerable and raw - like everyone who reads my posts knows 'who' I am talking about, 'what' transpired, and 'how' I behaved in each and every situation. When in reality the majority of the time people make a 'best guess' about what I write based on what they know about me, recent stories I may have told, or they base my writing on their own experiences.

What I am learning is the "moral" or "lesson" of the story does not really matter because each person who reads my posts draws their own conclusion. Each person interprets what I write in their own personal way. I think this is fabulous!

My new challenge is to write without having any issues. To write about the happy, boring, ho-hum, everyday peaceful things in my life that make me smile.

"One day soon I'll make him mine. Then I'll have candy all the time." ~ Bow Wow Wow

Peace

Solitary Man

For months I have had nothing to say, nothing to write and no stories to tell. It's the first day of a new year and my brain is so overwhelmed with 'chatter' that I don't even know where to start. 

A brand new year was not the trigger for these thoughts, it was an evening spent with old friends. My friends are GREAT and I LOVE them all dearly but for some reason this year's festivities felt different to me. It's hard to describe because I really had a lot of fun laughing, listening to everyone's stories and just spending time with my friends, but I left feeling empty and hollow inside. Like the entire evening was superficial like Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Special.

So my reason for writing this is not to get my friends upset, rather share my feelings of not belonging. I have come to understand that my blogging is a form of self-care, a way of unloading some of the pain that I am carrying - which is important when I am hurting - it is my way of reaching out. See, I have learned a lot and I have also learned to not feel guilty about sharing my feelings.

I have tried making friends with single people but I am often too 'vanilla' for these people. Oh the stories I could tell you about the places I have been...it would make for some competition for 50 Shades, let me tell you. While these adventures make for some great story telling, they are NOT for me. I admit it. I WANT vanilla! I like vanilla and I don't see any problem with wanting to be or being vanilla.

The world however has this perception that vanilla is boring. With all the 1000s of other flavours out there why would anyone pick boring vanilla? You see I like vanilla because it goes with anything. Not only that you can have it plain or you can put TONS of toppings on it - there is SO MUCH POTENTIAL with vanilla - whereas the other flavours, well they are specific flavours.

I guess what this all boils down to is that it has been 4 years now and I am still single. Not only am I still single but odds are now that I will remain single - which absolutely breaks my heart because I KNOW that I was not designed to be alone forever. So what does this have to do with my New Year's Eve? I think I am so upset because I feel like a failure, a disappointment, a loser - all because I am single.

Yes you read that right. Me; the intelligent, attractive, strong person you know me to be just said that. You see, I cannot compete in a society where everyone is so easily disposable and replaceable with the click of a button. With all the many flavours of ice cream to try - vanilla will ALWAYS be the LAST choice - and I am no one's LAST choice! But I am what I am, which is why I stopped dating months ago.

Logically I know that being single does not make one a failure, a disappointment or a loser. It is difficult to never have a negative thought enter your mind - especially when you meet with your married friends year after year and each time you are still single...on the plus side; this has gotten me writing again.

Peace

"Don't know that I will but until I can find me the girl man who'll stay and won't play games behind me. I'll be what I am. A solitary [wo]man, solitary [wo]man." ~ Neil Diamond

Another One Bites the Dust

Yet another year has come and gone. Time to take stock of our accomplishments and failures. Did you know that New Year's Resolutions are not a part of a belief system?

My kids asked me what my New Year's Resolution was, and I said 'I don't believe in making resolutions'. I then got a lecture on how resolutions are not like Santa - you don't believe in them or not. What I probably should have said was 'I don't believe that resolutions should only be made on New Year's Day'.

I believe that self improvement is an ongoing process that should not be defined by the first day of a new year only to be forgotten by the 14th day. The beautiful thing about life is that we are given EVERY day as a 'do over'. That gives each person the opportunity to resolve to do something different each and every day that they wake up breathing.

My kids understood what I was saying, adults, not so much. They have a hard time understanding why I constantly 'believe' that I have to change who I am. They want to know 'why' I can't be happy with who I am the way I am. Interesting question. Difficult to answer because I am happy with who I am.

Here's the thing though, a really BIG part of me is an internal drive to continuously learn. I can be learning anything, facts, figures, science, or math; to me it makes no difference as long as I find it interesting. Right now I am very interested in learning about me. I want to learn more coping skills - yoga, meditation. I want to learn why I do what I do - personality types. I want to learn how to face my fears - cognitive behaviour therapy.

Why do people play team sports? Fish? Knit? Partake in any hobby? Is it because they don't like who they are? I enjoy my hobbies because they are fun, occupy my time and allow me to get out of the 'day to day' rut we call life - if it wasn't all these things it would be a chore and not a hobby. As strange as it sounds - personal growth is my newest hobby. I shall enjoy my new hobby until another one draws my focus and attention.

Peace

Wishing everyone a healthy and prosperous 2014!