Let's Hear It for Rock Bottom

"In my perfect isolation I can stay here for a while. Antidotes and revelations just extend my own exile."

When I started blogging it was to help myself grieve after my divorce, heal and learn to enjoy my own company. On this journey I chose to share my challenges, roadblocks and mental break through moments.

There are a few times where I expressed my inability to blog. Most of the time the reason I gave was that things were 'good'. I wondered if I was only able to blog when I faced challenges or roadblocks. Then I started writing for work - so I knew that this was not the case. I have not posted any blogs in a year. I have been writing them, I just never posted them for various reasons. 

Reflecting on the "Why" I believe that I never posted these blogs because they were not a part of my divorce/grieving/dating. They were about my journey into leading a team in the workplace. My revelations and learning of moving from a 'control freak of a manager' to a leader. I struggled with how these new blogs would tie into the old ones. How the posts would flow. In my mind they wouldn't.

Several months ago, someone dear to my heart told me something that hurt me to my very soul. They said that I needed to close the book and write a new one. In my usual stubbornness I dug in my heels and tried to stay with the same story. Guess what, I was wrong. This gave me an idea when it comes to my blogging. Perhaps it's time to move on here as well. Maybe not a new book, but a new chapter. Since my blogging has been about my life's journey, why not start writing the next chapter in the book?

The theme is the same - self-love, self-awareness, learning, growing, etc. but the topic around my challenges are a bit different and will change. Having found several blogs I have written during my managerial struggles I know I need to write to remove my roadblocks and find clarity. I find myself with yet another upset in my life, which in a lot of ways is very much like another divorce, so this is the end of this chapter. I hope you will enjoy the random thoughts and rambling of my next chapter - The Cozy Mystery Series.

Peace

"Wasting away the world's right in front of me. Funny you should say that it's all in my head. Wasting away we're hitting rock bottom. And going down in flames, well it's not that bad." ~ The Offspring

Sharp Edges

"Sharp edges have consequences. I guess that I had to find out for myself. Sharp edges have consequences. Now every scar is a story I can tell."

So the moral of my story is a simple one. In this grand thing we call life we are constantly faced with challenges and change. We chose to confront and surpass or deny and resist. In the end it is all up to each one of us. It is our life, our choices and path. Others can influence your decision, right or wrong, should you chose to listen to them the outcome lies on your own shoulders. 

While my last few posts and this one may seem dark, deep and depressing they are to me the exact opposite. They are empowering. I am looking into my darkest depths and I am rising like a phoenix from the ashes. In Linkin Park terms I have gone from Paper Cut to Sharp Edges. 

"But all the things I couldn’t understand, never could’ve planned. They made me who I am."

I have moved from the angst, fear, confusion and frustration to the acceptance that this is all natural and a journey that makes me, me. I never lost my "me-ness", I just never realized that the panicked, resistant, trapped person was still me. This is me when I am overwhelmed and unsure of my true resilience. I am always stronger than I think. 

Every time I fall down I learn more about me. I pick myself up and dust myself off and I am better for the stumble. Life is a journey that I am not ready to stop. I will never be anything more than me. Having said that I intend to be the best me I can be. If I fail, I will forgive myself and learn from my mistakes.

Once again it is the voice of Chester Bennington and the music of Linkin Park that has brought about this revelation. One man saved millions, but millions could not save one man. There is something so heartbreaking about this that wants me to always appreciate all I have in life.

Peace

"We all fall down. We live somehow. We learn what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger." ~ Linkin Park

Restless Heart Syndrome

It's funny how in a few short weeks I have had more thoughts in my head than I have in a really long time. One thing that I quickly forgot is that there are only 2 good uses for my thoughts - to find a solution to a problem and to find the root cause of my emotions.

Forgetting this rule caused me to become overwhelmed with all the chattering in my brain. I felt trapped with no way to get out. I was fortunate enough to have someone who could see my panicked state behind my happy face and painted several big exit signs for me. This gave me the time to calm myself down and realize what was really happening in my head.

Now that I am aware of all that is going on with me emotionally and mentally I am able to look at the root cause and find solutions. With the concerned words of a good friend I had sudden clarity. It all goes back to my I'm Coming Undone post and my core personality trait of caring. Not only do I care, I am empathetic with those that I care about.

This means that I go into their deep dark hole with them and I share their emotions with them as if they are my own. I relive my own emotions to relate to their emotions. Talk about a light bulb moment. I have often referred to myself as an emotional sponge, soaking up all the emotions around me. What I never realized was how this was happening. It has always just been so natural to me, like breathing.

Even though I show empathy naturally I have always been aware of the dangers. I often feel drained and vulnerable. Sometimes I need to 'hibernate' for long periods of time - which I just attributed to being an introvert. I am starting to think that there may be more to my behaviours. Perhaps this has been the way my brain protects itself and helps keep me stable. 

My fear now is that I one of these days I will go into the deep dark hole with someone I care about and I will not have anyone on the other side to help pull me out. Should this occur, will I be strong enough to pull myself out? I don't know, nor to I want to find out. So I continue to find those that I can trust to have my back and pull me out when I ask for help. Even better are those select few who notice when I am too far gone to ask for help and reach out with a helping hand.

Peace

"I'm a victim of my symptom. I am my own worst enemy. You're a victim of your symptom. You are your own worst enemy. Know your enemy." ~ Green Day

Crazy Train

Okay - I am starting to think that I am now loosing my mind. Out of the blue, BAM, I have become extremely jealous and defensive. What in the world is going on? Why am I having such erratic and strange behaviours? This is so unlike me. I oscillate between feeling like I am being undermined to extreme flashes of jealousy. 

I have been finding solace in rereading some of my old posts. I'm both surprised and disappointed to see that my current need to please and self-doubt are recurring themes. As is sit here laughing at myself I wonder why it is so difficult for us to see our own road blocks. Had I not written about my struggles this would be all new to me. It feels all new to me. Like something I have never experienced before...apparently I am very good at fooling myself.

Perhaps this is the way that the mind protects us. I doubt that I am the only one who repeats their behaviours like this and doesn't see them for what they are. Perhaps this is why behavioural changes are the hardest thing to accomplish. Changes in behaviour are great until there is stress - then most often the old behaviours return.

I wonder if it is possible to remove all of the old behaviours forever, or if they are part of our genetic makeup. The whole nature vs. nurture scenario. Were we born this way or did our environments make us this way? Or is it a combination of both? 

Why do I always doubt myself when I go through major change? I can hear a familiar voice in my head 'You do this every time. You can do this. You have done this. Why are you fighting it?'. Why am I fighting it? Why do I question myself? Why can't I just be me? Why am I afraid to succeed? Why do I have such a hard time believing I know what I am doing?

As strange as it sounds I am glad to have these posts to reference. They allow me to see my repetitive behaviour easily. On the flip side, while the pattern is easy to see, the reason behind it is not as easy to understand. This will be my focus for a while...Why do I continue to have these core behaviours? Why are they manifesting in such extreme ways this time? What can I do to expedite the process? 


Peace

"Mental wounds not healing. Life's a bitter shame. I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train." ~ Ozzy Osbourne

Turning Into You

"I've been drowning in the sea. I've tried to please you. It's all I'll ever be. It's all I ever knew. I try to be me, but I'm turning into you."

So, I took the leap of faith, confided my fears, shared my darkest secret and although I didn't self-destruct, there has been no improvement in my mood. In fact it is the opposite - I feel I have made a grave mistake and that I have failed in a universal way. My self-esteem is at an all time low.

I do recognize that this is not a 'pity party'. I am not seeking some form of universal 'atta girl' message. This is deeper. It is like everything I have know to be true is gone - changed - moved on - is missing. None of my coping techniques, support systems or reference points on change are working for me. 

I have been told that other people care about me. I find that extremely hard to process. I am the one who cares about other people. Rarely do they care about me. Or is it because I rarely give them a reason to worry about me? This all goes back to the 'who do I trust' statement. 

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Honestly it all hurts my head. I would really like to stop all my analyzing. Trouble is, as soon as I stop thinking I start feeling and then the pain in my heart starts. Once the feelings begin they are overwhelming. So I feel safer thinking right now than feeling. 

In my You Can't Judge a Book By It's Cover post I was so excited to finally have someone who believed in me and accepted me. Now I have gone to an extreme where I am so afraid of failing that I am immobilized. Fear is a horrible thing.

My bigger question is why am I like this all of a sudden. I am used to failure. In fact I often set myself up to fail. Is it because I have finally found a path that I want to be successful on? Is it because I feel I have expectations to live up to? Is it because I feel that I talked the talk and now I need to walk it? 

Perhaps it is because now I am in the spotlight. I have never liked being in the spotlight. I have always preferred to be in the background just doing my thing. A friend mentioned that I just need to keep being me. Simple words which put so many things in perspective - I have lost sight of 'me'. I have forgotten who I am, what I stand for, and how to be me. Everything is new for me right now and I struggle to apply my 'me-ness'.

How does one reconnect with who they are?

Peace

"I'm not how I used to be, I'm changing cause of you. I'm screaming just to breathe. It's all that I can do. I try to be me, but I'm turning into you." ~ The Offspring

Trust In You

"I am the one, your help I’ve refused. Your offering hand just set off the fuse. Too proud to beg, too stubborn to try."

Trust. It is the one thing that I have not been able to get back. After all these years I still don't fully trust. I have let my wall down slightly for certain people, only to build it right back up again. This year has been particularly rough for me. I feel as if I have no one in my life to share my deepest darkest fears. 

I know that this might sound a bit strange. Once upon a time I used to have someone in my life to share my fears, losses, and excitement. I now realize that the receiver of this information didn't always get it, at the time it didn't really matter to me, I believed whether they got it or not they always had my back. I was wrong.

These days I struggle to find someone who will always 'have my back'. Or are there people in my life who will always 'have my back' and I just don't trust that they will be there for me? I have constantly heard that people will always put their needs/wants first. I have also been told that I am cynical. Perhaps I am cynical because the people that I chose to listen to fed me incorrect information. Which has brought me full circle - who do I trust? 

Parts of my support system are no longer available to me because I don't trust any more. I need a new support system. How does one get a support system when one does not trust?

So, I start with myself - what is holding me back from letting down my wall? Fear! Fear that I will be seen as weak, incompetent, insane (although there may be some truth to this), unfit, and so on. Ultimately, it all boils down to making myself vulnerable and the fear that the receiver will reject me.

While I understand my emotional challenges are only a small part of me, it is not easy for me to reveal my fears to others. Our culture sees fear as weakness. I personally believe that my ability to recognize my fear makes me stronger than those who 'bury' their fear. 

My path is now clear, to do what I always do, analyze my fears and determine the best way to face them. 

Peace

"I want to move on. I want to have hope. So I’m willing to change. I’m going to try to show I am strong enough to trust in you. Pull me up, cause I am ready." ~ The Offspring

I'm Coming Undone

"Keep holding on when my brain's tickin' like a bomb. Guess the black thoughts have come again to get me." 

Two months after my last post, expressing my concerns with complaining and negativity, I am still in a holding pattern. Every day I feel that I am suffocating. I constantly feel that nothing I do is right - nothing is good enough - overall I am not enough.

I have been told to 'grow a thicker skin' to 'suck it up' and 'be a man'. These comments remind me of a line from How to Train Your Dragon where Hiccup is discussing with an elder how much of a disappointment he feels he is to his father:

Gobber: Now, you're thinkin' about this all wrong. It's not so much what you look like, it's what's inside that he can't stand.

Hiccup: [sarcastic] Thank you for summing that up.

I don't know how to not care. I don't know how to not 'feel' things. I don't know how to shut off the emotions. This is who I am. Am I overwhelmed? Yes. Am I emotionally raw? Yes. Am I emotionally unstable? Yes.

So this begs the question - why? What happened? Why did my apple cart tip? How did things get to this state so quickly? It's that pesky word again...CHANGE. 

Over the last 4 months I have been experiencing many different emotions - all of which are normal with change. The one that I am struggling the most with is the loss. Some of the more important things I have lost are my support system, how to measure my success, and my purpose. The biggest piece is the support system. I can learn to track my successes differently and my purpose will then become clear. Without a support system it is really hard for me to see clearly. As a result I have fallen into an endless loop, a downward spiral.
 
This explains the complaining (disappointment), the anger (fear), and the self-doubt. I am grieving. Now that I recognize my emotional state I can move forward. Doesn't mean I will stop grieving, it just means I now understand my underlying issues better. 

My next step will be to get a new support system in place so I am better equipped to cope with my emotional roller coaster. Ultimately I want to get to enjoying the EXCITEMENT I feel when I see all the new challenges I am facing!

Peace

"I'm trying to hold it together. Head is lighter than a feather looks like I'm not getting better. Wait. I'm coming undone. Irate. I'm coming undone. Too late. I'm coming undone. What looks so strong, so delicate."~ Korn

Ænema

A bad habit of mine has returned - complaining. I have recently become aware of how much I am complaining. This came to light during a conversation with a friend about energy vampires - negative people. During the discussion I had an epiphany, I had become an energy vampire through my constant complaining.

I'm not even sure when this change in behaviour started. As with many bad habits it went unnoticed or was rationalized until it reached a point where it became an issue for me and most likely to all those around me. Now that I am aware of my constant complaining it is a problem that needs to be fixed. In order to successfully change my behaviour I need to understand the root cause.

If my self-growth has taught me anything it is that when I have a "feeling" something is "off", even if I don't have "proof" I need to heed my instinctual warnings. Part of my complaining is that I "doubted" my intuition and listened to others, leaving me feeling powerless. When I feel powerless, or as I call it "trapped", I start complaining. Now that I have the "why" I need to understand the "what". WHAT has made me feel so powerless? And WHAT can I do to get my power back?

I logically know that I am focusing on the problems rather than focusing on finding a solution. Perhaps that is also part of my frustration. I have offered several solutions yet they are never good enough. I have spent so much time and energy trying to fix the problems and my hard work is never enough. Perhaps the solutions are out of my control, perhaps the problems are something that I cannot fix. Perhaps feeling powerless comes from being held accountable for things you don't have the ability to fix. Perhaps it comes from not being heard when solutions are offered. Perhaps it comes from feeling alone.

Shortly after I wrote this a kindred soul "complained" to me. The sharing of the complaint made me realize that I need to let go of what I cannot change; regardless of how much of a challenge this is for me. That I need to focus on what I CAN change - first off, minimizing my complaining - then working on the problems that I can solve. I need to focus on doing what I do best, doing it to the best of my ability and put the things that I cannot change aside for the time being. 

I am hopeful that now that I have direction and a plan that I will stop feeling so powerless. In the 2 weeks that it has taken me to write this out I have reached a place of calmness and acceptance of what will be. To quote a friend "There is power in the serenity of waiting in peace".

Peace

"Some say the end is near. Some say we'll see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus sideshow of freaks" ~ Tool

Waiting for the End

"Waiting for the end to come wishing I had strength to stand. This is not what I had planned. It's out of my control."

Death. I find it surprising that I can feel so much sadness and emptiness for the loss of someone that I have never met in my life. The recent suicide of Chester Bennington has impacted me in ways I was not expecting. The range of emotions I have felt since hearing of his death on July 20th has fascinated me, so much so that I felt the need to dust off my journal and start writing again.

Linkin Park is one of my favourite bands. Their lyrics, combined with Chester's angst ridden screams, has always struck a chord with me. Many people have told me that they felt that Linkin Park's music was too angry, too Emo, or just too depressing to enjoy. For me their music was exactly the opposite. The lyrics spoke to me. Chester's (and Mike's) voice told me I was not alone in how I was feeling. That there are others in this world who feel all the same things that I do, and as deeply as I do. 

The 'angry' songs articulated my feelings of frustration in ways I was unable to articulate. Some days I just wanted to say to people 'listen to this....this is what I think'. The 'Emo' songs conveyed my heartbreak and disappointment to depths that I was not willing to travel alone. These songs helped me understand that I was the one with the power and that I could either be a victim or heal myself and be a victor. The 'depressing' songs reminded me that even though things may seem dark at this time there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. The 'depressing' songs were perhaps the most influential songs to me. They made me realize how many people struggle with inner demons and how it's not just a battle, that it is a way of life.

In many of my posts I have referenced that I am 'lost' or am 'tired'. For some reason I have seen 'coping' as loosing the fight, as a weakness. I am now seeing that COPING is WINNING. Coping is the best that anyone with any mental illness can do, similar to an alcoholic, drug addict, etc. Mental illness, regardless of the type, is a real struggle many face. Perhaps understanding the darkness is not the way to help those who are struggling with mental illness, perhaps it is simply accepting the darkness exists for them and being there by their side when they are struggling is the best we can do. Chester was always by my side - just there when ever I needed him - perhaps this is why his death has had such a profound effect on me.

Hoping you have now found the inner peace you deserve Chester.

"Flying at the speed of light, thoughts were spinning in my head. So many things were left unsaid. It's hard to let you go." ~ Linkin Park

Peace

Still The One

We've all heard the phrases - "the ying to my yang", "my better half", "I couldn't survive without him" and the saccharine "we complete each other". Yes, I'm talking about relationships. Being in love is a wonderful feeling. When we are in love we can't imagine a world without the other person in it...or so I am told. When I was a teen, love was like that, as a adult 'love' does not affect me in the same way...or perhaps I have never been in love as an adult.

Now that all my friends are coupled the phrases I tend to hear are - 'the right one is out there, just keep looking', 'do what interests you and you will attract the right one', or the best one of all 'it will happen when you aren't looking' (we won't discuss this one).

My question is why is everything about "the one"? I find it hard to imagine one single person who can bring more to my life than I already bring to it each day loving myself, having fun, being silly and just enjoying life. I believe that I am the one who makes myself better...not "the one". And if I expand my thoughts on this and say that "the one" compliments me, then why is there only "one"? The reason I have so many people in my life, both female and male, is that each and every person contributes something positive to my personal growth and well being.  

Don't get me wrong, this is not an 'anti' relationship rant. Its more about how society as a whole places so much emphasis on being 'coupled'. It's as if we are not born complete and we need to find our halves. But what if I was born whole...then what? Where do I fit in? Or perhaps I wasn't born whole, but my life's struggles allowed me to grow and learn how to be whole...now what? Do I no longer have a place in our society because I don't need another being to make me a whole person?

My ultimate objective is to find someone who helps me grow and/or reminds me to always be my best. Truth is, everyone has his or her own best interests at heart. No matter how genuine, kindhearted or caring a person is, they are going to be more aware of their needs than mine. All I am saying is that others don't realize what I need unless I tell them. That's how it works. Which means I need to know me and not rely on someone else to complete me. So having said that logically am I not "the one"?

Peace

Hasn't Hit Me Yet

They say that it is easy to keep a secret from yourself. Similarly I believe that the easiest person to lie to is yourself. Sometimes the only way we can realize the truth we hide from ourselves is by hearing others say it. For me it's to put it down on paper...so here goes.

This is something that I have tried to write for a few months now. The words never seem to come out right. The thoughts and the issues are intertwined and confusing. I do know that the underlying issue is not new, it has been with me for years and bubbles to the surface every once in a while. Lately I have been more aware of it's presence, like a scratching at the back of my mind. Something buried deep down inside me, I know is there but have long since forgotten about.

This is about my inability to open myself up and to allow others in - basically to love and be loved. My past choices in love are clear indicators that I place my emotions with men I have no business trusting with my emotions; there is absolutely no possibility of emotional reciprocation. In other words - I noticed years ago I have a tendency to set myself up for failure - which is one of the reasons I stopped dating. Better to be alone than lonely.

Over the past few years I have started to observe traits that I am attracted to. For me the paramount organ of passion is the mind. Without intellect there can be no emotional connection, no love. It is this realization that paralyzes me with fear. The only way to find this trait is to get to know someone. In order to get to know someone, one must bring down the walls and reveal themselves. Something that terrifies me.

For me, the potential for being rejected for who I am outweighs the benefit of any relationship. I am just now starting to realize that I can't abandon love just because its scary and just because you get hurt. My memories hurt like hell, but pain isn't anything special or new to me. I continue to inflict pain on myself by getting involved with the 'wrong' men, and I live through it - so I can do it again.

The thing is, I am not sure I am ready to do it again. Perhaps the first step is recognizing and identifying my behaviours. The harder part, changing my behaviours, will come in time.

"Hey, hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet. I fell through this crack and I kind of lost my head" ~ Blue Rodeo

Peace

Death of Seasons

Right or wrong people are far more interested in sadness than happiness. When asked about your weekend the "Fantastic!" answer ends the conversation. The "Horrible!" answer leads to "Why? What happened? Oh no!".

Being a 'helper' this is a behaviour I have observed in myself. Now that I am aware of this behaviour I am trying my best to change it. This is difficult because I really do what to 'help' a friend who had a horrible weekend. As we know life is not always fairy dust and glitter.

I am now also very aware of the opposite scenario. I don't want to "burden" others with my "horrible" weekends. Life is far too short to dwell on the sadness and bad times.

Ultimately its about finding a balance. I know, I know...not easy for an extreme personality like mine. This is my daily battle - which of late I am winning! Things are going well and I am still writing. There have been several bad things happen in my life and I am still positive and optimistic. 

I am doing my best to deal with my personal struggles without sitting and waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'. In fact I am looking forward to the next challenge. I am confident I will rise to the occasion and move through the next bout of struggles with grace and dignity.

"I watch the stars as they fall from the sky. I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying." ~ AFI

Peace

The Conductor

"Break them down, shake their beliefs. I'll show them, show them a believer." ~ AFI"

As I sit here listening to the cardinals sing to each other while the sun is setting I wonder why I have such an instinctual desire to help others. I am curious to know how many animals are altruistic in nature.

There are times when I wish I didn't care. I know that caring is a good thing, yet for some reason lately it feels to me like a weakness.

As I ponder my "happy" times I notices that I am happiest when I am helping others. Improving, changing, inspiring, and showing the 'day to day' from a new perspective. The more of these types of things happening in my daily activities, the more excited I seem to be about life.

This really stinks because most people, myself included, don't like change. Knowing this I have focused my attention on changing and growing myself - something I have been writing about extensively over the last 5 years.

Thing is, I like to share. In my excitement I tend to forget that others are not as eager to improve themselves as I am. Some, as I have written previously, don't see why anyone would changed themselves unless they had confidence issues. I see it as quite the opposite; I am confident and comfortable in my current place and like to 'push' myself outside of that comfort zone.

Sure I sometimes push myself a little too hard. Nonetheless I always find my way back. I also know that I will never stop trying to help others. Perhaps I will learn to be a bit more "selective" on where I focus my energies...awwww who am I kidding, we all know that statement is highly unlikely!

Peace

"And if they didn't drain your life I'll become your conductor. Don't cut the connection." 

Castle of Glass

"Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass. Hardly anything there for you to see." ~ Linkin Park

It is said that it is the simple things in life that bring happiness. One of the simplest things that brings happiness to my life is being outside. I love nature, even if it is only in my own backyard.

Listening to the life around me - birds, bees, squirrels. Feeling the weather - sun, rain, wind, snow. Silently appreciating the miracle of it all makes me feel peaceful and happy. I don't need to be doing anything to enjoy. It can be as simple as sitting or walking. In fact I find if I am 'doing' I am often too occupied with the task at hand to enjoy the nature around me.

Having a love of the out doors, gardening has often been suggested to me as a past time. I have tried gardening on many occasions and failed miserably every time. When I purchased my home it had a small garden with hostas and rose bushes.

Not being a gardener I was concerned for the life expectancy of the rose bushes. My father assured me that roses could not be killed. I saw this as a challenge...Over the next 2 years I did everything I could to kill those roses, aside from digging them up. Every spring they grew back and late summer the red buds all opened.

Realizing these bushes were far hardier than I had suspected I decided to test the hardiness of the plant itself. I decided to plant more rose bushes - little tea roses from the grocery store. These too grew like weeds; however, they did not grow any buds and have not flowered.

Two years later, my grocery store tea roses have buds! Add to this there are 2 brand new bushes growing over in the rock garden - somewhere they have never been planted.

Perhaps this is why I love nature so much. It is a visual reminder that despite negativity, toxic environments and obstacles one can still find success or happiness. Sometimes you need to a change in order to find that happiness. The way I see it sometimes all it takes is a small change - behavioural, mannerisms, expectations, tone of voice - to make the world of difference. This is a small price to pay for peace and happiness.

Peace

Always Something There to Remind Me

"I was born to love and I will never be free you'll always be a part of me." ~ Naked Eyes

They say you can't change the past. It seems to me that it is also difficult to forget it. How do you get someone out of your head? Sure, it's easy to forget about someone you never have any contact with. How do you manage this with someone you see on a regular basis?

One of the down sides to having an optimistic outlook is that you almost always see the good in people. Seeing or "remembering" the good is not a good thing when you would rather have no emotional attachment to someone.

For me, one of the hardest things to do is to suppress 'emotional attachment' to people. I have a tendency to care far more than I should, in other words I readily attach to people. For the most part, this is acceptable because there is no risk to me of being hurt emotionally. Once in a while I become emotionally attached to those who will only bring me harm - from an emotional perspective.

Generally, I sense when there is potential for a bad emotional attachment - you know the deal - after interaction you feel exhausted and emotionally drained. When I encounter people that have this effect on me I try to avoid contact all together, or at least limit my contact. Unfortunately, in life there are times when you cannot complete remove the person that is causing the emotional grief.

This is the situation I am currently facing. I once had a positive emotional attachment to this person, which over time became negative. For me this is a very dangerous situation because I only see the 'positive' and forget the 'negative'. Knowing all of this information does not make it any easier for me to stop attaching emotionally.

Sometimes I just want to go with it, enjoy the positive interactions for what they are - moments in time. Other times I just throw up the walls of defense and distance myself by having minimal interaction. I am not sure which path is the correct one. Either choice leaves me emotionally drained which indicates to me that the entire interaction needs to stop...which at this time is not an option. So, I struggle to find the best way to cope.

Peace

All In The Mind

I've started to figure out why I have such a hard time writing when everything is going well for me. It's because I am living in the moment. The now. I am present.

There are no thoughts swimming through my head. I am just existing. Sure there are still emotions - happiness, sadness, anger, annoyance - all of these are fleeting, like butterflies on a windy day.

Everything is symbiotic. It doesn't mean that everything is wonderful, just peaceful, and my brain is quiet. Deep inside me I know that everything will be fine. Some call it optimistic, I believe that if it is meant to be, it will be. If it's not meant to be things will change.

When things are going well I have no internal issues to resolve. They just seem to resolve themselves with little to no effort. Decisions are simple - yes or no. Focus comes readily for me. So, when you think about it, what is there to write about? How cool it is that I don't need to analyze my issues? How awesome it is to look in from the outside?

The challenge for me is about noticing and appreciating the positive feelings while they are happening, not remembering them in the past. I am great at noticing the negative/ unwanted feelings, not so great at savoring the positive/ wanted feelings. So, this is my first attempt at drawing attention to my "good" moods and appreciating the times when things are going well.

Peace

Too Shy to Scream

One of the best things about being on an emotional roller coaster is that whatever mood you are experiencing will not last long. The ups are extreme and the lows are short lived.

Along with the hills and valleys of emotions comes 'hypersensitivity'. Things that normally don't even cross my mind - like other people's perceptions - haunt me day and night. I find I am constantly thinking about how my actions and words will be perceived by those around me.

This behaviour is something completely new to me. On a whole, I rarely give a rat's ass what people think of me. And for those who know me, I tend to say what I feel without a concern of other's perceptions. So now I question the change in my behaviour.

Why all of a sudden am I so hypersensitive? Why does sarcasm bother me so much? Why is it I cannot tolerate any constant negativity? Why am I disgusted with childish behaviours? And why am I stuck in this "irritated" cycle?

Generally all of these types of behaviours cross my path on a daily basis. I acknowledge the behaviour for what it is and then I move on. For some reason I am stuck. The behaviour agitates me and I dwell on it. Now I am left to try to understand why these behaviours make me so upset.

I am certain this is just a side effect of my emotional roller coaster. It is not something I want to keep in my life. Perhaps the fact that I recognize that I am hypersensitive is an indicator that I am already moving back to a middle ground.

Peace

Torch Song

Have you ever enjoyed a song so much that you were inclined to listen to it non-stop without getting sick of hearing it? Music is so subjective and can evoke emotional responses in people. This is one of the many reasons I like music so much. There are so many pieces of a song to enjoy. The lyrics, chorus, melody, and so on.

At times you can get so wrapped up in the song that you forget everything. Life stops and you are just suspended in time, hearing the music, listening to the words. A far less enjoyable experience can happen when you get stuck on an issue.

So much time can be spent hanging in limbo. Not moving forwards or backwards. Stuck. The nagging issue plays over and over in your head. Unlike a song, there is no enjoyable melody or meaningful lyrics. Just the constant beat of frustration. You know the answer is there somewhere. You just can't hear it for all the noise. You are so caught up in the issue it is hard to see anything else.

Often the best solution is to stop. Stop analyzing. Stop worrying. Stop fearing. Stop listening to that same song. It's one of the hardest things to do. To stop everything and TRUST that things will work out alright. Oddly enough as soon as you do stop and trust in yourself the answer appears.

Sometimes the answer is that you can never overcome the issue. All you can do is live the best life you can live without it and try your best to not let the issue rule your life. Remembering that life is not about the destination, it's about the journey.

I do know that how we deal with these challenges is what defines us. I am not perfect. I sometimes run and hide from the challenges that life brings my way. I tend to get lost and lose my way. I also know that I am getting better at finding my way when I get lost. I am learning to take corrective action when things 'feel' wrong for me, even if I don't know what this issue is. I am starting to trust myself and not put as much stock in what others tell me.

"Leave me, leave me to grieve."~AFI

Peace

This Time Imperfect

"I'd show a smile but I'm too weak. I'd share with you could I only speak. Just how much this hurts me."

Emotions. Can't live with them, can't get rid of them! Right about now I wish I could rip my emotions right out of my body somehow. After only 2 weeks of putting my needs first I am seeing positive changes, which pleases me immensely.

The yang to that yin is the resistance from others in my life. This has placed me on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am full of self-esteem, the next I am ashamed. Then I am proud, until my thought process kicks in and then I feel guilty. Not to mention the elation, followed by sadness. Oh, and then there is anger all by itself yelling at me for letting all these emotions mess with my head.

I have started to describe this phase as the 'detoxing' phase. As with any type of detox program one goes through the entire gambit of emotions - with anger and frustration at the forefront. Perhaps the most unsettling episodes for me are when I am all smiles and giggles and then in a puddle of tears seconds later. It's a challenge for me to not be transparent to those around me.

Change is never easy and I certainly have high expectations for myself. I am far less patient and forgiving of my own behaviours than I would be of others. At a weak moment, I mentioned these thoughts aloud and was surprised to hear that what I saw as weakness in myself was seen as strength by others. Hearing that the things I believe to be my greatest flaws were admired by others certainly caused me to look at my situation in a different light.

While I understand that the first step of any detox program is to let the emotions happen, this is the my least favourite part. The fluctuations of emotions is exhausting. Here's to hoping this is a short phase in my transformation.

Peace

"I cannot stay here. I cannot leave. Just like all I loved, I make believe. Imagine heart, I disappear, seems no one will appear here and make me real" ~ AFI

Jesus of Suburbia

Okay, so I have found the issue. I have an objective, a goal if you will. Still missing, a plan of action. Well, that is no entirely true. I have returned to doing things that made me happy in the past - blogging, walking, listening to music.

The other day I took a walk through my old survey. Walking through the neighbourhood I found it hard to believe that I once had a life there. Everything was so 'not me'. The large houses, big trucks in the driveways, wives walking around the property drinking their coffee most likely looking at the upcoming landscaping needs. As I took in all the sights there was an overwhelming feeling of 'not belonging' in this world.

I have a simpler life now where I don't feel the need to 'keep up with the Jones', which makes me happy. While I was thinking on my walk the expression "fake it 'til you make it" popped into my head. In all honestly I think that this is what has made me miserable. Being positive when I am feeling negative. Being strong when I am feeling weak. Telling family and friends that life is wonderful when I feel that it is all falling down around me.

Wow! That was melodramatic :-) (ahhhhh an emoji) Lesson for me - I don't like being fake. It doesn't work for me. It's kind of like bottling up my emotions. Having said this, I also know that I can't spew my toxicity on anyone and everyone who will listen. Which is why I believe I need the other outlets - blogging, walking, listening to music, photography...and so on.

It's now time to put myself first. Do things for me. This is the hardest thing for me. How do I stop doing for others? 

Peace

"Land of make believe. And it don't believe in me. Land of make believe and it don't believe. And I don't care!" ~ Green Day