So My Doctor Sez to Me...

As I have mentioned several times in my posts by the time you read my thoughts I have made some progress at working through my issue. I have usually identified the emotion, done a root cause analysis and am working on a post mortem - which is what you are usually reading.

The last 2 weeks have been different. I have been broken. I don't know how else to put it. Until today I have not even known where to begin writing because I was unable to identify the emotion, the root cause and never mind the issue. I was tired (and I still am but its getting better). Emotionally exhausted. Just plain tired of thinking, tired of analyzing, tired of coping, tired of hurting, tired of monitoring, just TIRED!

I started to think that I fell down the rabbit hole without noticing - so I went to the doctor expecting to leave with medication for a bout of depression. After an hour of asking me many questions his conclusion was that I am not suffering from depression. There are 2 avenues that he wants to explore, but he was confident that it is the first one. One - sleep depravation. Two - general anxiety disorder. The second one is to be determined by a 'specialist' later this week.

The doctor went on to explain to me that there is a reason sleep depravation is uses as a means of torture. Lack of sleep messes with the chemical balance of the brain making you irate, irrational and depressed. For the sleep depravation I was prescribed a small supply of sleeping pills. Although I try to stay away from any and all medication I was at the point where I was willing to try anything.

I wasn't expecting miracles but I have to say I did notice a big difference the next morning. Not in my emotional state, but in regards to my motivational state. I was up early and on a cleaning kick. Everyday this week I have been cleaning - not the vaccuuming/dusting type of cleaning - the rearrange and purge cleaning.

After 5 days of a 'good night sleep' and some major purging it dawned on me. My cleaning spree is a result of my wanting to move out of the past. When I moved to my new house it was too painful at the time to weed through all the memorabilia and decide what should stay and what should go, so it all came with me. I now see that there is something to be said for having a clean slate.

When we separated I took most of the household items because my ex-husband wanted nothing. At the time I figured it would save me a lot of money. Now I have reached the point where I want a clean slate. I want to get rid of all the things we owned as a married couple. I want to move out of the PAST and into the NOW. Realistically I can't afford a "clean slate", but I can make minor changes - like new sheets, giving things to charity and perhaps in the near future a much needed sofa set (even if it is used). 

So, like my emotional well being, my physical existence will have to move forward gradually in baby steps - one household item at a time. As the summer draws to a close I am excited to start some interior work on my house - like painting!

Peace