Don’t Cry Over Spilt Milk

Now that I have my Blog up and running I have started receiving emails from several concerned friends. The basic theme of the emails is that ‘they did not realize that I was having such a difficult time with this transition in my life’. As I read the comments of growing concern I chuckle to myself. How could I NOT be having a difficult time of this? When you have spent 24 years of your life (more than ½ of it) with 1 person and suddenly that person is gone from your life there is a HUGE sense of loss. I am by no means claiming to be an innocent victim in all of this I take ½ of the responsibility of the breakdown of my marriage (ok more like 35%), but I did the best that I could with the knowledge I had at the time. My ex-husband also did the best he could with what he knew at the time. Rather than mope, whine and complain (ok I do that sometimes) I am LEARNING from my mistakes and I am CHANGING so they will never happen again.

A few months ago I had a health scare. It put a lot of things in perspective for me. I thought I had moved on, but my ex-husband was the FIRST person to visit me in the hospital and to be honest that threw me for a loop. I realized that I had many unresolved issues and that I would NEVER be able to completely and honestly move on until I FORGAVE him. Now by forgiveness I don’t mean condoning what he did to me by any means. By forgiveness I mean “moving past the issue” simply, letting it go.

So I started working on “WHY” I was having such a hard time letting go. I realized that part of my issue is that I was keeping everything inside. Telling my friends and family that I was doing GREAT! That I was out and about doing things and having the time of my life. Not only was I lying to them, but I was lying to myself. Yes, I was getting out and doing things, but I was just going through the motions and not ‘truly’ enjoying myself. My life had become a facade.

One day when the kids were at their father’s I was flipping through the channels and saw a show that piqued my interest. It was the Shania Twain show on the Oprah network. I started watching. It was so nice to see that someone so beautiful, so famous and so ‘together’ was just as messed up as me! The thing that really made an impression on me was that even though Shania had a new man in her life and things were ‘excellent’ for her she was still having difficulty singing. She knew that until she resolved all her past issues she could not move forward.

So, like Shania I started thinking about ‘WHAT’ I could do to start resolving some of my issues. I started with photography. I will continue to do this, but I needed something more. And then that was how the Notes/Blog idea came about. So I guess what I am trying to say is that although many of you are extremely concerned about my well being at this point – I want you to have faith that by the time you have read my post I have resolved the issue. I am finding this venue to be far more therapeutic than anything I have done to date – and it works wonders on my self esteem!

Please don’t stop emailing me or commenting on my posts – I do love to hear from everyone – I do get lonely. But please remember that I am fine. And most days I am better than fine, I am good. And some days I am GREAT! The plus is that the GREAT days are now starting to happen a lot more frequently. One thing I have learned – and hopefully this will put your minds at ease – is to ask for directions when you are lost. So if you receive a phone call from me out of the blue – I am most likely lost and need a guiding light.

Peace