Just Call Me Alice

It was inevitable. I have fallen down the rabbit hole. Unlike the popular movie it is a dark and scary place. There are no signs of hope or happiness. Just like Alice I am never quite "right" - I am either too big, too small, or just a 'silly little girl'.

Self esteem is kind of like the Loch Ness monster for me. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of it, for a fleeting second I feel great, and then it is gone. Others seem to come by it naturally. Is it a gene that one is born with? Is it something you are taught as a child? Is it possible for me to build it now this late in my life?

I read something that said "others will treat us the way that we treat ourselves". Logically I understand the statement, spiritually I agree with the statement, but practically I don't know "how" to put the statement into effect. How does one 'learn' to value oneself?

I know myself very well. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know that I am a good, intelligent, kind and loving person. But this is not what I am talking about. Why do I always neglect myself for others? I don't hesitate to spend $28 on a journal for one of my kids, but I struggle with spending $4.26 on a notepad for myself. I will work on my vacation and countless weekends and evenings, but I will let guilt eat away at my insides over going back to school to further my education.

Why do I have such a hard time putting myself first? There are several friends who have recently entered my life and they astonish me with their self esteem. Their self worth shows through in subtle ways in everything they do - like never paying full price for anything or walking away from a negative environment. When they stand up for themselves it is not done in an angry or belligerent way - it is simply second nature for them - subliminally they say "I know what I want and if you can't give it to me I will find someone else who will". For someone like me - who won't even speak up when given the wrong meal at a restaurant - I find this amazing.

I wish I could take a course on how to build my self esteem - you know Build Your Self Worth in 7 Simple Steps - but knowing me I probably would not sign up because I could not justify spending that much money on myself. I wonder if being around people with strong self esteem 'rubs off' on you like being around negative people? Perhaps I should find out.

Peace