I Should Have Taken a Left Turn at Albuquerque

Originally posted July 13, 2011 on Facebook.

I have to say that I was extremely disappointed when I woke up this morning still in the pits of despair. I was hoping that a good night sleep was all I needed to rectify my sorrows. I was wrong.

Perhaps it was because I didn’t really have a restful sleep. Perhaps it was because too many things happened yesterday that were out of control. Perhaps it was due to unresolved issues in my personal life. Or most likely it was FEAR OF CHANGE!

Nevertheless I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and into the shower – telling myself what I often preach to the kids ‘Suck it up Buttercup’. While I was showering I started to contemplate “why” I was so down.

The truth is I still love my ex-husband. Now don’t go freaking out! It doesn’t mean that I want him back. It doesn’t mean that I am not moving forward with my life. It means simply what it means – I still love him. Just because you are angry with someone doesn’t mean that you stop loving them. Then I started to understand – he stopped loving me a long time ago. He has moved on, and I will move on as well, I am just not in the same place that he is in. We were on different paths in the woods – he has come out on the other side and I am still on my journey.

How does someone just ‘turn off’ their feelings for someone after spending more than ½ your life with them? Then throw 2 kids in the mix – I realized you can’t just shut everything off! Then I started to FORGIVE myself for still loving him. I then reminded myself that my journey was about HEALING, GRIEVING and FORGIVENESS and right now I needed some time to do all 3!

I forced myself to start crying. I started sobbing and do you know what happened next? Instead of sobbing uncontrollably for hours and moping around for days I suddenly felt better. My tears flowed for about 2 minutes and then I felt better. My heart no longer hurt, I found my smile (it was hiding behind a tree), and the tears in my eyes look like diamonds.

Best of all...I never had to stop and ask for directions! I found my way on my own.

Peace